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XH girlfriends coming before the kids

(32 Posts)
torontonian Tue 21-Mar-17 18:06:48

XH never came to DD baby checkups (he left 2 days before she was born) or engage with her at all. DS was 2.5 yeatd at the time and he was adamant to get 50/50 and overnights right away for DS but didn't really care much for DD.

18 months later, schedule is progressing and they go every second weekend, 2 weekdays/1 overnight.

XH broke with OW and has a new girlfriend. He has introduced her to the kids and left DS alone with her but had not found worth of mentioning to me she even exists. I would like to have a simple "hi"/10 minutes conversation with her if she is going to be around my DC but I don't know how to bring it up since he has not said a word about her.

The other issue I have that makes me really angry is that he puts the girlfriend before the kids. One day I was caught in the office/transit and I called to let him know I would be 30 minutes late. When I got home and called him, XH told me that the DC were at his friends house and I needed to go get them. I don't drive, XH's friend doesn't live in the subway line, it is a 45 minutes walk one way, winter time (below 0ºC) and 8:30pm. To be fair, his friend has 2 babies himself, and it was bedtime...Anyway, I was furious he drop the DC off at a friends house because "he was going out" and could not postpone for half an hour when I had called to let him know.

The second situation comes with Easter. He has been bothering me to get a holiday schedule for Easter for 2 weeks because he wsnts extra time with the kids on holidays. There are only 2 days when daycare is closed and one if this days the kids will be with me and the second day shared according to regular schedule so I proposed one day each. Now, he has planned a getaway with the girlfriend and he wantd me to take the kids both days and the overnight before plus the overnight after so he can have a week for himself. I am really pissed that he tries to be dad of the year and then he does this. Kids are 4 and 1.5. He really has ple ty of time for himself as I am the default parent. I do all daycare dropoffs (2 non accessible subway stations away), make the doctor appointments, have to take the fay off when they are sick, ... and then I need to hear that he deserves 50/50 when he alwayd puts himself first.

So I guess my questions are:
- How to manage been hurt and angry becaude of this behaviour?
- AIBU if I say that I don't want to switch days but will gladly take the kids for the full week? (he won't get days in exchange)
- How do I bring up meeting the girlfriend? Or should I even try? (she is staying overnight when the kids are there and DS has been left alone with her).

boolifooli Tue 21-Mar-17 18:13:18

Do you ask to meet all his friends?

torontonian Tue 21-Mar-17 18:13:59

Sorry, wrote very fast as I am at work but couldnt shake the anger off. To be clear, I am happy to have the kids more time, I love it! What I am angry about is that the father put a huge fight to get more and more time but then he just can't be bothered to be with them. It looks like he has them when he doesn't have anything better. He doesn't plan around the kids. I feel he is really selfish and dhakes the kids off when he finds them unconvenient, i.e. he has a date, he wants a holiday withouth them, he has a party, ...

torontonian Tue 21-Mar-17 18:14:41

Only the ones that sleep in his bed when my kids are there boolifooli

torontonian Tue 21-Mar-17 18:15:36

Introducing significant others is actually in our separation agreement.

TheOnlyColditz Tue 21-Mar-17 18:18:03

You don't need to meet her, and focussing on her is detrimental. Your issue is that he's asking for 50/50 and not capable of it

Disappointednomore Tue 21-Mar-17 18:24:55

The only way to deal with the anger and resentment is to assume he will do nothing, pay nothing, give nothing. Wipe him from your mind. I say this as one whose STBXH has moved 400 miles away and only sees DD every six weeks. Forge on with your life and don't give the lazy selfish piece of shit any more headroom then you have to.

HappyJanuary Tue 21-Mar-17 18:41:03

Have you ever been late to pick the children up before?

How many times did he ask you to discuss an Easter schedule before going ahead and booking his holiday, and has he proposed some swaps so that he still sees them?

WamBamThankYouMaam Tue 21-Mar-17 18:49:07

Sometimes you can't just postpone for half an hour, like if you're going to something with a defined start time. You were caught in the office so you didn't manage your time, it happens, it's not the end of the world, but it doesn't mean everyone else should have to bow down to your work.

Why do you need to meet this girlfriend?

And what exactly is the problem with a little give and take with regards holidays? I'm sure when you're in a situation whereby you can go on holiday with a partner you'll probably ask the same!

BlueEyedPersephone Tue 21-Mar-17 18:52:31

I agree that if your child is being left alone with someone and the child is under 8 then, then yes both parents have right to veto/ get comfortable with that.

torontonian Tue 21-Mar-17 18:57:40

Disappointednomore I am hurt because I love my kids anf he is not putting them first. I wouldn't mind having them 24/7. My anger comes when I think he doesn't love them as I do, and also from the hipocresy of fighting for having them more often and then dropping them off when he has other plans, as if they were disposable or just a hobby.

HappyJanuary No more than 5 minutes and always send a text. He is chronically late (10 minutes) and although frustrating when it is an habit, will not make me park the kids and run away.

About Easter specifically maybe 3 emails and a reminder in the last 2 weeks. To say he wanted to have them extra time. Today, he changed his mind and now wants to clear two overnights and the extra time to go on vacation (without the DC).

TheNaze73 Tue 21-Mar-17 19:10:39

I think you need to try & let go of your past, he isn't going to change. Could he go 50/50 if he reduced hours?
And why do you need to meet his girlfriend?

torontonian Tue 21-Mar-17 19:10:51

Sometimes you can't just postpone for half an hour, like if you're going to something with a defined start time. You are right. I didn't think of that as I don't book anything so close after dropoff time as I know he is always late. But that helps to look at it differently.

WamBamThankYouMaam I am all for flexibility. More often than not (I believe 100% so far) we switch days with the regular schedule when we need to.

This time he wanted more time for Easter (more than regular schedule) and I agreed. After that he changed his mind and decided to go on vacation without DC instead, cancelling the extra time plus the regular time. At 40+ with DC you can't ask for a puppy for Xmas and give it away before spring.

torontonian Tue 21-Mar-17 19:18:06

Regarding meeting the girlfriend... my kids are 1.5 and almost 4 years. DS is left alone with her. If they are serious, this woman will presumably be in my DC lives for some time, so it just feels natural to at least know her name and say hi.

Do I ask to meet all his friends? Obviously no. Do I ask to meet everybody who is left in charge of my kids? yes And so I hsve a right of first refusal clause. And emergency contacts for daycare must be known to my kids.When my kids arw verbal and less vulnerable certain clauses will make more sense than others but they are really young.

nat73 Tue 21-Mar-17 19:21:53

Personally I would want to me the new gfriend. As I would want to meet e.g. a nanny. I don;t think to ask is being unreasonable. Just go for it. 'DS tells me he has been spending time with X. PLease could I meet her?'

Bluebell9 Tue 21-Mar-17 21:40:27

I met my DPs kids for the first 2 times with his ex there. She wanted to meet me before I started spending time with the DCs and I totally understand that. She also came to mine and looked at the kids room before they started staying at my house (when DP had moved in). Leaving your kids with someone is a big thing, so I was more than happy to do it if it made her feel more comfortable. But DP and his ex split on very good terms so I think this probably makes a difference.
I'd ask him if you could meet his GF, maybe you could invite them both to go for a coffee with the your DC. It's best for the kids if they can see that all the adults in their life can get on.

MsPavlichenko Tue 21-Mar-17 22:24:22

I don't think meeting GF is crucial.

I do think you just stick to agreement absolutely. If he is asking you to have them extra days so he can holiday say you have plans. He can arrange childcare if necessary. If he is late to pick up/drop off don't change your plans eg, you can drop kids at friends/family or be out.

This is not to be petty, but it might help focus his mind that DC are his responsibility when he has/is supposed to have them. And you are (no longer) his childcare solution. It will be difficult for you I know.

Of course he may not step up, but at least you'll have given him the chance, and it is no worse than feeling messed around. If he does then you can both move towards flexibility.

SandyY2K Tue 21-Mar-17 22:33:33

Introducing significant others is actually in our separation agreement.

Remind him about this.

torontonian Wed 22-Mar-17 00:10:17

SandyY2K Sorry I was not clear, it reads about introducing SO's to kids. Only partners of certain "continuity". That the clause is there means I care about who the kids are around as well as not having people coming and going from their lives continuously.

Disappointednomore Wed 22-Mar-17 04:26:21

OP I do understand the hurt and rage on behalf of your kids I truly do. But where will this hurt and rage get you? Will it make him step up? Will it make you a better parent? (Well possibly yes if you use it to fuel your determination to do your utmost for the kids) You can only control what you can do. I'm not saying let him off the hook, I'm talking about being kind to yourself and allowing yourself the freedom to not think about him. This realisation has been an extremely hard won one to me and I work on it every day. Do keep posting as it does help and there are brilliant insightful supportive women on here (not claiming to be one myself - just that I've had a lot of help reading stuff on here smile)

PaterPower Wed 22-Mar-17 08:22:09

I get the reasons for wanting to meet SO's, particularly where the dc are so young, but I can also see why the exP in that situation would resent it.

It smacks of an assumption that they're not really fit to make the judgement (of who is suitable) themselves - their choices are being vetted. And in any case, it's a bit pointless IMO.What would you do if this woman (or any other) failed to meet your standard? What will you do if/when you meet a SO and your exP decides he's not "suitable"?

Your exP won't listen to your doubts and you, almost certainly, would dismiss his. And at the same time you couldn't (not long term anyway) stop the dc seeing the gf and vice versa.

LesisMiserable Wed 22-Mar-17 09:35:37

Op, there is nothing more selfish than an ex with a new girlfriend. Sex trumps children (almost ) every time. Its a tale as old as time and those who don't get it clearly dont understand how painful it is to feel your children arent important to their father.

LesisMiserable Wed 22-Mar-17 09:38:12

Unfortunately their is no law to force a person to be a parent, so this will always be the case.

Disappointednomore Wed 22-Mar-17 10:48:09

Lesismiserable I think though that there kind of is, and that's where the huge resentment can set in - he apparently is free to do what he wants but what if the OP or any of us line parents were to decide we couldn't be bothered any more? We would be prosecuted for neglect or abandonment.

Disappointednomore Wed 22-Mar-17 10:49:15

*lone not line

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