Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
DH setting our bedtime(75 Posts)
Hello first time posting and NC because it was too identifying. I would like to hear if i am in the wrong or not. DH is quite a light sleeper - i am not. the last few months his job has gotten very stressful and he has not been sleeping well to the point it is affecting his health - physical and mental. He is in for 9 and home by half seven, eight or later and often has to work evenings and weekends emailing at home. He is always tired, sleeps in till quite late on weekends, and has to rest sometimes during the day. we have two dc's one at school and i do all the pick up and drop off - recently stopped working but looking for job. i do 90% of cooking, cleaning, washing, shopping and other domestic stuff apart from garden which DH also wants me to help with and ironing which MIL does for him (i do rest). anyway DH has said in order to manage his stress at work etc he needs to go to bed at 10pm - we have argued a no of times already because i dont go to bed earlier enough for him and i keep him awake etc so i sleep in a different room but even then i keep him awake if i dont go at the same time as him. so during the week he wants me to go to bed at 10pm and at whatever time he chooses to go up on the weekend. a few weeks ago he got really cross because i came up at 10.20pm so i promised to go up when he does. often he goes up at 9 and has a bath winds down etc. so i potter and go up for 10ish. Last night i only got to sit down from bedtime routine and cooking my dinner at 9.15 so i didnt want to go up at ten despite my promise. i went up at 10.30 but managed to drop something on our wooden floor and apparently woke him up so now he is cross and says he needs to sleep at 10 and he cant keep having this conversation. i feel like every once in a while he said let it go if i want to go to bed a bit later but i dont think he can accept this. am i wrong? was i disrespectful to not stick to the bedtime he has asked me to follow?
sorry for the long essay but i'd really appreciate others' perspective as i can't work out whats reasonable
He better go off and live by himself; he's expecting far too much; ridiculous that you have to change your life patterns to suit his; totally unachievable and actually rather insulting.
If he's a light sleeper then tell him to use bloody ear plugs and stop trying to rule over YOUR life.
He's being an unreasonable arse. He does not get to control the bedtime of another adult.
You don't sound like you like him very much. could you compromise so that you go up at 10 with him for half of the week and sleep separately for the other nights. I would do anything to promote my dh's wellbeing, but I like mine a lot more than you seem to!
Tell him to sleep in the spare room (if you have one) if it's that big an issue for him.
Assuming you are being quiet (and who isn't at that time of evening), he's being absolutely ridiculous and has no right to make you feel so worried and force you to go to bed at the same time as him.
Absolutely ridiculous, of course he can't tell you when to go to bed! Why do you disturb him if you're in another room? I'd move into the other room permanently until he gets a grip of himself!
Oh OP, you can't let yourself be controlled like that xxx
snowgirl, I read it that OP is already in the spare room but he's still complaining about the time she goes to bed there!!
was i disrespectful to not stick to the bedtime he has asked me to follow?
Does he also tell you how high to jump, honestly tell him to GTF.
Thank you for quick responses. i am really struggling as i realise it is an incredibly difficult time for him, i do generally like him and love him but he is hard to live with at the moment because his stress affects his behaviour so right now he is not often the person i like. but i do everything i can to support him and feel like a failure in doing that.
i sleep in the spare room and he uses ear plugs.
TeaBelle - even being in the spare room and going up at 10 4 out of 5 weeknights isn't good enough for him. i may go up half an hour later than him some weekeneds sometimes i go before him - and sometimes i am asleep and he disturbs me - of which i make no issue.
I have this problem with my dp. I need more sleep than him. And he is just an inconsiderate pita when he comes to bed after me. He bangs into the bed, sits on it to take his socks off, puts the en suite light on to go to the toilet. Etc
He also use to set his alarm clock to work out in our gym, and thought nothing of pressing snooze, so it would go off again. Then, he would sit up, pop open the ring tab on his energy drink, and drink it while on his phone until it kicked in. Then get up and put his gym gear on. Banging into the bed as he goes.
He doesn't do that anymore. My rage was off the page and that was that........
It still drives me insane, that I am always woken up, if we go to bed at different times, to the point that I have talked about moving to another house with 1 more bedroom for me.
But I'm assuming you are not that inconsiderate?
If you have another bedroom, why do you still need to go to bed at the same time? That seems a bit odd.
I know I get irrational about the fact that I won't get enough sleep. We compromise in that he will mostly come to bed and read or watch a film with his headphones on. Is that something he will consider?
I understand his trouble as im the light sleeper in our house and go to bed first. However, it's his problem not yours. I am going to suggest earplugs, I buy boxes of 200 foam pairs for £25 on eBay and I rarely hear my other half come to bed but I do hear my son (through the monitor).
I think he should also look at relaxation techniques like mindful breathing etc because he's controlling more and more of the household in order to get the perfect (in his belief) rest when he really needs to let more of it go.
It's a difficult one. I'm the light sleeper, stressed at work one and as I need to get up at 5:30, need plenty of sleep, and to read before going to sleep, I got up to bed around 9:00, un bed by 9:15-9:30. The problem is that I normally read until my eyes close and I naturally fall asleep which is between 9:45 and 10pm. The problem is that OH normally comes to bed at 10pm, that is just when I have just drifted off and therefore easily woken up by any noise/movement and then once I'm awake, it's almost impossible to get back to sleep right away, so I'll see my OH gently going to sleep whilst I'm wide awake for another hour or two. I do use ear plugs, but in my case, it's more the movement on the bed as he gets in that wakes me up than the sound of it.
If I can be asleep for 1/2 hour by the time he comes, then I'm usually ok, so in my case, I would like him to come at 10:30, but he gets tired and wanting to come to bed at 10pm, so not fair on him.
I usually go along with it until I am so shattered, I started getting stressed at the prospect of another bad night and I end up in the other bedroom. Going straight to sleep makes a big difference as I don't anticipate being woken up and that makes falling asleep much more relaxing. At the same time, I can't envisage not make it permanent as I do like the feeling of sleeping next to my OH.
All this to say, I understand how your OH feels, but it doesn't mean that he is right to demand you go to sleep when it suits him. It sounds like you have agreed to what suits him, and therefore is not fair that he should give you a hard time the occasional times when you don't stick to it.
He's trying to set your bedtime as if you were a child?!
He ought to be the one moving in to the spare room and buying himself some earplugs. He sleeps and you get to unwind for as long as you like, that time of night is the only time of day I get to myself. It's precious!
i do everything i can to support him and feel like a failure in doing that.
Don't feel like a failure - you're not. What more could you do? What does he do to support you??
He is bsing VVVU - he can't tell you when to go to bed!! Sounds like the best solution is for you to sleep in separate rooms - as you are doing.
By the way, I never tell him he has to come to bed at the same time. I usually just implore that he try not to wake me up!
Well, I tend to get a little bit mad when my DP comes in at midnight or even later and tries to come on to me when I'm already heavily sleeping, but your DH's behavior has left me speechless!
He has no right to tell you when you have to go to bed when you go to separate bed. What will he do when one of your DC wakes up in the middle of the night to use the toilet, say hold until the morning in case you've wakes up?
I do think you need to sit down and ha e a serious talk, this isn't normal!
I sympathise. My OH is in the habit of just unilaterally switching the TV off, lights off etc to "signal" its bed time and Im expected to go to bed at the same time as him (much later admittedly --around 11.30 on average) but I myself dont even like that level of assumption, it annoys me. To be honest if I want to read till 1am , as an adult I expect to be able to do that but know he will just get cross and argumentative and he doesnt like me sleeping in the spare room either--ever!
This is a joke right? He dictates your bedtime to you like you are a child? Tell him to grow up and stop being so precious..
Thank you all. I do generally stand up for myself - but i don't want to make him ill.because i am not working he is financially supporting us - but its only been a couple of months and i am actively looking.
i am as quiet as i can be - its just unfortunate i made a loud noise that woke him up last night. it does cross my mind how he is not being reasonable but as i believe it is just a period in time he will ask this of me and it is my opinion vs his (hence me asking MNers) i felt i couldnt tell him to sod off.
really interesting to hear your experience swing - you sound very kind and understanding despite your early mornings! that is what id like from my DH
but i don't want to make him ill.
You going to bed when you are tired won't make him ill. If he gets ill, it would be the stress of his job that does it.
THESE were recommended on here and they are working for me.
I still don't sleep for 8 hours but I certainly drop off into a deep sleep pretty quick.
For stress and anxiety my holistic lady told me these are great and to take them alongside THESE
He might be against it but they are both completely herbal etc....
You can read up about the benefits of both on google.
Might be worth a shot.
But your DH is being VU indeed.
I couldn't stand that.
Sometimes I want to be in at 9 to read and chill and others times I want to go to be later and watch crappy TV.
No-one would tell me what time to go to bed.
Can he run a 'white noise' generator on a computer in the bedroom? It drowns out a lot of background noise and can be an aid to sleep.
and to answer the question about whether i can read etc if i go to bed at the same time - no i cant really do anything in bed that involves any noise or movement.
i know its feeble but i don't really want to argue about it - i just want him to let one late night go
Aside from the obvious points about his dictating bedtime, the thing that strikes me is the amount of sleep he gets for not really that long a day, notwithstanding the stress level. I know the more I sleep the more tired I get, so I wonder if he is just making things worse with the lie ins.
Basically, he needs to find a better stress outlet than sleep, because he clearly isn't being energised by it. Walking, yoga, squash, puzzles - whatever works for him.
He needs sleep to rest, not sleep to feel like shit.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.