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DH constantly criticizing me(27 Posts)
DH has always been quite a critical person, but it's starting to get me down. It feels like every time i do anything, he finds something wrong with it. For example, i tidied the shed - this had needed to be done for ages, but neither of us had had time. Took quite a while, but i was able to clear lots of space and put things in more sensible places. Told DH what is fine, expecting him to be pleased. His response was "where did you put X?" (X had previously been hidden behind 2 bikes, and awkward to get to). Me: on the shelf. DH: "Oh, no, i don't want it there, that'll be hard to reach". After all the time I'd taken, i was gutted that he could only find fault. Similarly, i bought a new plant pot for the front garden, filled out with flowers, and set it on the paving. He came home, looked at it, and immediately said "that'll have to move; it'll mark the paving". Again, I'd been quite pleased with my efforts - i suffer from severe depression, so doing anything like that is quite an effort for me. I'd wanted flowers in the garden to cheer me up a bit. Now I'm going to have to move them round the side of the house where i wont be able to see them. I know these sound like small example, but i think that's the issue - everything i do seems to get criticised. I find it hard enough to motivate myself to do anything round the house, but it's even harder when i know I'll probably be criticized for anything i attempt. In other ways, DH is great; he's very supportive practically, doing extra housework when i can't etc. But this is really getting me down. Am i being too sensitive and if so, how can i stop?
No you are not being too sensitive? Is be aware that he has a tendency to criticise constantly? Does he do it to others to?
Full of typos. I mean no you are not over sensitive
He does tend to be quite critical, although in work etc he would complain behind someone's back rather than saying anything to them. He tends to have very fixed ideas about how things should be done - there's his way, and the wrong way.
He'll often highlight times when I've done something "wrong", like one day i forgot to switch the light off in the living room, and he came home first and saw that I'd left it on. When i came home he said "Why did you leave the living room light on?", Instead of just assuming it was a mistake, switching it off, and forgetting about it. (He quite often leaves a tap running in the bathroom, but it wouldn't have occurred to me to mention it until he'd done it quite a few times, and even then i just said it because i figured it needed a new washer).
I'd say "why are you being such a critical twat when I have worked my arse off sorting all this out? If you don't like it get yourself out there and do it yourself". It sounds very wearing.
I had an ex that always had to find someone to blame too. Simple mistakes resulted in a telling off for me, made me nervous and anxious and actually ill in the end. Why are there so many people who think they have the right to do this? Makes me really angry 😡
Fuck that OP; you put your flowers where you bloody well like.
He's a bully and is enjoying putting you down; time to tell him he either treats you as an equal respectful human being or like I said in a previous thread and go live by himself.
Any relationship involves compromises, kindness, support and acceptance; he sounds bloody awful and I'd not live like that, not should you.
Pick him up on it. He probably doesn't realise he is doing it. Next time, point out to him that it's a pity all he can do is criticize rather than at least show some appreciation of your work/efforts and that his attitude is really putting you down, and the more he does it, the less you feel like engaging in anything.
I find you a bit over sensitive. If DH reacted like yours, I wouldn't have felt criticised and down. My responses would have been along the lines of:
1. Shed - ' I've just spend x hours doing tidying. Where's my thank you' and look at him expectedly
2. Flowerpot: 'Oh... I really like it there and being able to look at it. Perhaps we could get a dish to put underneath.
3. Light - 'Oh sorry' and I'd go and switch it off.
It sounds a bit like you'll take any comment as criticism and feel down about it...
The thing is, he's mostly lovely and good fun. It just seems like when he thinks something is "wrong", he can't help himself. He has to say something. But I'm feeling anxious every time i buy something new for the house, or move a piece of furniture or whatever.
The thing is, JoJo, individually those comments and reactions make sense. But it's when they're all put together, and it feels like every time i do anything i get criticised, that's when it's hard. Especially as depression makes it quite hard for me to do the things in the first place.
OP, you are not sensitive, you are normal; if a person is constantly criticising you or reprimanding you then you feel crap about yourself because you think they must have a point; to me, it sounds like he's the boss and if you dare to deviate from his plans or his pov, this is what you get.
Time to stand up to that bully.
It sounds a bit like you'll take any comment as criticism and feel down about it...
The thing is, it's not just the words but the tone and facial expression that goes with it, which we don't know about.
I do agree though that the way to deal with it is to respond exactly as you do whether because you feel criticised or not.
YANBU. People who are dismissing you as over-sensitive probably haven't lived or worked with a micro manager. It is frustrating, tedious, and extremely wearing. No wonder you get depressed.
I suggest pushing back a bit. Treat him like an adult, not a teacher or parent who would be expected to direct your specific moves. 'I would like the flowers there so I can see them. How can we stop the marking from happening? Which flowers are you going to get for the side of the house on the weekend?', 'If you're going to move that from the shelf, can you make sure I can reach it easily, it was behind a bunch of bikes last time and that was a pain'. Do not run around to fix what is perfectly adequately done. He has that much of a problem with it he can take care of it, if he doesn't then obviously it's not that big of a deal.
Treat him like an adult? I think it should be him treating her like an adult!
You feel a failure because he makes you feel like that no matter what you do, again, only thing to say to that is, GTF.
Stop enabling this pathetic bullying behaviour from him.
Is he the only person on the planet that needs sleep whilst the other person he lives with gets on with their life, no, we all do it, doesn't lead to being told when we can go to bloody bed.
I'm on the fence with this. My partner (doesn't live with me) rearranged my kitchen and utility room and said it was more' workable' I couldn't find anything. It worked fine for me as it was
He couldn't understand why I wasn't delighted.
Yes its a bit different as we don't live together but if the shed has a lot of his things in there I can understand why he wasn't delighted.
Adora10 Sorry, I was thinking of that 90's transactional analysis stuff. It's when you force people to treat you like an adult by treating them like one. Yes of course the DH should treat the OP like an adult but he isn't.
I can't remember exactly but I think there were several groups of transactions when it comes to conversations.
Parent - Child
Adult - Adult
Child - Parent
The theory was if you treat the other person in the conversation like an adult, eventually they go back to treating you like one. If you respond like a child (being submissive to what they say for example) they move more strongly into the parent/teacher mode.
I didn't explain that very well.
What does he do if you answer every criticism he makes of you with "away you go and sort it, then." ?
Is it difficult for you to say something to him and pick him up on it?
TBH it does seem from what you describe that you can't do anything right. He needs to stop this habit of his.
Wondering if you had depression before you married him?
He sounds draining..
You aren't a child.
Leave the body pot wherever you want - and the light on for that matter.
Why didn't you say anything when he moaned? Has he got MH issues btw?
Your anxious everytime you move a piece of furtiture? OP that's awful.
Whats the worst that can happen? He has a little moan?
Can you not just laugh at him, pretend to play a little violin everytime he moans and walk off?
Perhaps he likes the reaction he gets (nervous wife - scared to put a pot wrong) change your reaction, tell him you don't care if he doesn't like the fucking pot plant because you do!
Has he ever been physically abusive OP? Is that why your scared of his reaction?
I did have depression before i married him, yes. And no, he's never been violent - he's more likely to buff or give me a lecture on why what I've done is wrong.
To clarify: we did agree that the shed needed to be cleared out, and either of us could have done it. It wasn't as if i randomly decided to rearrange it. DH could easily have gone in after I'd tidied and rearranged his things to be where he wanted them, instead of just telling me they were in the wrong place.
OP you could be me. It's the reason I'm hiding in a cafe and not at home. Whatever I do all I get is criticism.
I don't know what the answer is but I know I can't k PE on living like this.
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