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How to not press self destruct

(19 Posts)
Littlemissindependent Tue 21-Mar-17 11:26:06

I posted at the weekend about feeling really awful, had slept with someone for first time in 3 years and I was feeling really low, convinced I'd never hear from him again, he was just using me etc etc.
Well I have heard from him (every day) and he wants to see me again next weekend. I'm pleased because I genuinely like him.
But I'm on the verge of pressing self destruct and telling him I don't want to see him anymore.
For the life of me, I just cannot believe that he's genuinely interested/not using me. I'm so scared of getting hurt again that I'm prepared to throw it all away over my own lack of self confidence.
I don't know how to handle this. I don't want to end things for no reason, but I don't want to get screwed over. Help me please?

Semaphorically Tue 21-Mar-17 11:32:36

Did your parents discourage you from showing emotion when you were little? It sounds a bit like you have a dismissive attachment style (more here).

What you can do about it is remind yourself that not everyone will leave you and dismiss your emotions. That it's ok to be emotionally vulnerable with someone else. But approach it as an adult - if the memory of your childhood feelings intrudes remind yourself that you're not a child any more, you're not powerless when someone is cold or hurtful towards you. You're now an adult and you can protect yourself, so if he does turn out not to be good for you then you can leave.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 21-Mar-17 11:34:10

If you are still hurting from a previous relationship it is natural to be cautious.

Putting ourselves out there makes us a bit vulnerable but what is the alternative, staying shut away and shunning contact?

Is this you speaking or did your ex get under your skin and make you feel it's hopeless seeing others? Did he make you feel damaged or inadequate?

Littlemissindependent Tue 21-Mar-17 11:40:45

I just feel that I have nothing to offer, so why would anyone want to be with me, unless they're just using me? I'm a single mum, not in a position to go back to work until dd starts school. I have zero self confidence and this bloke is, well, he's stunning. I'm sure he's not short of offers which just makes me constantly question why he's bothering with me. I hate feeling this way and don't seem to be able to stop it

Semaphorically Tue 21-Mar-17 11:44:26

But it's not you choosing you? It's someone else choosing you, so you shouldn't decide for him.

salsamad Tue 21-Mar-17 11:52:40

He is obviously genuinely interested in you if he's been in contact with you everyday.
I really think if he was only out for what he could get he would have left contacting you til the weekend and then maybe tried his luck.
There are nice men out there. I understand that you feel vulnerable and worried about getting hurt but sometimes you have to be brave and allow yourself to have new experiences and see where they take you. This could be the start of something special but you will only find out if you allow the relationship to develop.
I think you need to take things a little more slowly from here and be kind to yourself, maybe even explain to him your concerns about how fast things happened with him.
Maybe consider seeing your GP and getting some counselling or group therapy to help bolster your self esteem and confidence. Try to accept your worries as normal, because they are - everyone goes into a new relationship wanting it to go well and not wanting to get hurt or used.
Good luck.

Littlemissindependent Tue 21-Mar-17 12:17:08

I think, I get too attached too soon. It's so rare that I find someone who I just click with. He's done nothing wrong, but I'm absolutely terrified at the thought of being hurt again. But nor do I want to spend my whole life alone because I'm too scared to give something a chance.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 21-Mar-17 12:31:30

You might feel this is scary new territory, beyond your comfort zone.
For once you weren't busy being a mum, you were having a good time. That's absolutely healthy and permissible.

Had he not contacted you it would have been disappointing but that wouldn't nullify the whole experience. What did you learn? Well, you know you want more than a ONS.
Sleeping with someone for the first time in three years, you broke that celibate spell.

If you only acknowledge negative events while ignoring the positive things in your life you just get into a loop of thinking oh no what next?

Accept the things you cannot change and focus instead on changing what you can.
Remember, no-one cares as much about any flaws you may have as you do.

Littlemissindependent Tue 21-Mar-17 12:46:24

donkeys what you say makes a lot of sense. I just don't know how I can stop myself feeling this way. It's making me feel physically sick. I've been to my GP this morning about general anxiety and panicking, but they don't seem particularly interested

Tenshidarkangel Tue 21-Mar-17 12:59:22

I suffer with similar and it sucks. I tend to find this happens if I'm due on especially and my mood is low. That's when I find it really tough.

I've found that leaving things for a couple of days helps to calm the panicked fuck you and your horse response. Trying to keep emotional distance is useful too (not putting all your eggs in one basket).

The main thing is sorting my own confidence. On none down days I have far more confidence to deal with fuckwits and I think that's something that's really helped.
Remember if they do use you too that really that speaks more about them than you. You are awesome and at least you found out before you truly committed.

Littlemissindependent Tue 21-Mar-17 17:22:00

Turns out I was right. Text from him this afternoon clearly stating he's not looking for anything serious and he was under the impression that neither was I. I give up.

Goforit2017 Tue 21-Mar-17 18:27:03

Oh that's a shame. I'm sure it's not
Personal and it sounds as if you had the not keen vibes anyway and that was what was giving you such strong doubts.

You win some you lose some. That's all you can put it down to.

Littlemissindependent Tue 21-Mar-17 18:41:37

I know. Doesn't stop it hurting though. I find it so hard to even entertain the idea of getting close to someone, that when I do it's kind of a big deal for me. I just feel so stupid and used

Goforit2017 Tue 21-Mar-17 18:48:42

It does hurt and it does put you off. It makes you feel you want to protect yourself by not putting yourself out there at all (similar position here.)

Littlemissindependent Tue 21-Mar-17 18:55:41

Yes goforit that's it exactly. It's just put me back where I was 3 years ago. I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone, I'm only 31, but right now I genuinely think that's preferable to feeling this way.

Mutella Tue 21-Mar-17 18:56:54

Semaphorically, this thread resonates with me. Hi OP. I was always discouraged from showing emotion. Can you explain the link between not showing emotion and feeling doubt in a relationship?

OP, I always feel confident on the first few dates. But then I think, this guy will get to know me and see right through me and ........ there won't be quite enough there. Even though rationally I know that I'm a really strong person and I've been through a lot and achieved a lot (arguably, well, not a great job or a degree but on a personal level, I know I've grown and learnt).

I think my attachment style is anxious preoccupied. I mistake the stress of deep down realising that somebody is only half interested in me (but not properly) for butterflies and attraction. I feel terribly anxious the whole time. Atm I'm dating a man who seems to have a secure attachment style himself and he is lovely but I feel like something is missing maybe. I feel stifled when he's being nice to me, and right now, I feel a bit of anxiety because he hasn't sent me a message yet today (but this isn't abnormal because we don't text until the evening).
To this day my parents get annoyed with me if I express any emotion. Irritation, sadness, frustration, regret. They can't bear it. I'm allowed be positive and I'm allowed be happy. That's it.

Mutella Tue 21-Mar-17 19:03:41

Semaphorically I always thought that I was anxious preoccupied in a relationship because my mother was a bit ''benignly neglectful'' because that's what I had read was the cause. But the not being allowed to show emotion strikes a real chord with me too. Does that lead to people being anxiously preoccupied in a relationship then?

OP, until recently I always used to be drawn to dismissive avoidant types, recipe for disaster in the long term but if feels familiar which I mistook for feeling right.

watch this. This explained to me why I have never had a committed boyfriend, who wasn't actually a captor

Littlemissindependent Tue 21-Mar-17 19:26:23

I think that because I have such little self confidence, that I end up enabling men to treat me appallingly because I genuinely believe that's all I'm worth. I know I'm more than capable of being happily single, but after 3 years I was kind of hoping to find someone to spend some time with. I don't like how nowadays it's seen as acceptable to be seeing/sleeping with multiple people at once. That's not me. Is that really all there is now?

Mutella Tue 21-Mar-17 20:08:36

No, I do think we can set our own standards. I know now, if it doesn't feel right and feel easy and feel authentic I don't proceed. Mind you it took me 15 internet dates to get this certainty. Just when I got to the point where I was enjoying OLD, purely as a night out, no expectation beyond a night out, I met somebody. I don't know how it will work out but I do feel he's genuine.

I'm not invincible though, I am confident the night I meet them, and for the next few dates. Then when it comes to the point of integrating them in to your life a bit I panic. I think my life is just .... well, nothing to be ashamed of! but I'm not conventionally successful.

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