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Could you come and talk about your good relationship?

(14 Posts)
Ferrisday Tue 21-Mar-17 11:07:05

Thoroughly depressed with the state of the world, my wasted life. My late husband was just awful and I don't think I'll ever get over it.
Need something positive.
So many abusive horrible men being discussed on here and lots of horrible people in general.

SaorAlbaGuBrath Tue 21-Mar-17 11:09:48

I'm so sorry that your late husband was awful flowers I escaped an abusive marriage 10 years ago, and after a while went on to meet DP. We're a team in every way, and I trust him with my life. I never, ever thought I'd be able to do that, to have that bond with a man. But I can, and I do. We have good times and bad times, but we enjoy the good times and work through the bad times. It is possible, don't give up hope.

xStefx Tue 21-Mar-17 11:16:25

I was in an abusive relationship for 6 years (lived in a womans refuge for a while)
I managed to leave him somehow and have been with my DP (getting married next year) for 7 years this year and we have a DD aged 5.
He is amazing, he doesn't have a controlling bone in his body, I couldn't believe my luck as I didn't (and sometimes still ) don't think I deserve him.
You were just unlucky, there are plenty of good guys out there x

xStefx Tue 21-Mar-17 11:17:22

P.S Im so sorry for what you have gone through, Its so hard x

sniffle12 Tue 21-Mar-17 11:18:16

Only had two relationships. The first was emotionally abusive, mainly in that his affection was conditional and would be withdrawn for the slightest of perceived wrongs or slights against him on my part. And I'm talking, once because I had watched different TV to him on Christmas Day while we were spending it apart and he had wanted to talk about what he'd watched. Left me crying myself to sleep on Christmas Day night, knew that and didn't care because he was right. Classic egotist/stonewaller.

The main difference with current DH (and the reason I am with him despite swearing off men for good after DP1!) is that his affection is given freely, and he accepts mine freely, no conditions attached. It's an affectionate relationship, we are always cuddling and laughing, or even when we sit in silence doing our own thing of an evening, we'll share thoughts or show each other a stupid video we've just laughed at. Yes we don't always agree, but when we argue, we work through it respectfully and make sure we never go to bed on a disagreement.

There are good'uns out there!

fuzzywuzzy Tue 21-Mar-17 11:19:52

I was married for a decade to a horrible abusive (in every way) sorry excuse for a human being.

I'm now with DP, who treats me as an equal and loves my DC from previous marriage as his own.

I don't need to tell him or ask him to do housework, if he sees something needs doing he does it, he does have a habit of buying whatever my DC have been wanting (which drives me a bit crazy as I don't think they should have everything they want), he is calm doesn't get angry or shouty, and is actually kind to everyone in general.

I think I realised I was in love with him a few Christmases back when he had gone to see his mum and I'd taken my DC to the theatre, on coming home I found him in the kitchen washing the dishes left over from lunch, he had popped back to see us before going to his dads and seen the dishes and decided to make himself useful (dishes weren't even used by him as he'd been at his mums).

Figured then he was a keeper.

I didn't in all honesty think I would ever want or let anyone into my life after my marriage, it had been such a tremendously horrendous experience.

He's proof kind people still exist.

babyunicornvomit Tue 21-Mar-17 11:28:19

I think this all the time. On here we often see the negative side of men and it's sad - I've been lucky up to now really. A few bastardy exes but never abusive or cruel. I feel so bad for some women.

To put in my own bit of positivity. Expecting a baby with DP and he's wonderful. So caring, always offering to carry things/open doors which are such small things but mean a lot. He's a huge feminist and hates the sexism and male-bias where he works (IT based industry) and is super supportive of my plans to do a masters and get a job in social work education. He's working so hard for us and our daughter (due august) and I genuinely couldn't wish for anyone better.

There are good guys out there, they just take a bit of sifting through the... others.

throughgrittedteeth Tue 21-Mar-17 12:17:19

My relationship with my ex was hard work. He wasn't really abusive in the sense that he wanted to cause me harm but his need for control bordered on that. We get on like a house on fire now and are good friends. I can see the good in him now that we're not together and I can see that a lot of the controlling behaviour was just his need to make sure everything went right. He left/leaves no room for error or spontaneity. Our personalities are very different in that sense.

By contrast DP and I are very solid, we have a similar outlook on life and are both quite laid back. We've had a lot to deal with; blending families and with me now being pregnant but he is a truly good person and he makes me a better person. He is kind and patient and really funny (as well as being fit as fuck!).
The biggest thing I have learn is that while you should work hard on your relationship, it shouldn't be hard work.

Sorry for the crap you've been through OP xx

Ferrisday Tue 21-Mar-17 19:03:01

Thank you ladies
I'm not actually looking, far from it. But I actually find that quite sad in itself. Right now I'm not sure if even want any company ever. I don't really want to talk to anyone, I crave solitude and quiet.

DevelopingDetritus Tue 21-Mar-17 19:13:55

you should work hard on your relationship, it shouldn't be hard work. star

DevelopingDetritus Tue 21-Mar-17 19:15:23

* I crave solitude and quiet.* Go with the flow. Best not to force anything. If it feels right to you, then go with it. Best wishes.

Greaterexpectations Tue 21-Mar-17 19:17:55

Thank you for starting this thread OP. I'm sorry for what you went through flowers Have faith and give yourself time.

Ferrisday Wed 22-Mar-17 10:00:03

I know there are some good ones out there.
My Dad and brother are both lovely men.

My brother was making dinner on Sunday, I was over an hour late (couldn't message him to let him know)
He was fine, no problems.
But I was panicking because my husbands reaction would have been so different.

BoringUsername17 Wed 22-Mar-17 10:39:11

This is a good thread smile I am not in the market for a new partner, but it's nice to hear some happy endings.
I was with my narc ex for 23 years and I feel I've wasted my best years on someone who wasn't good enough for me.

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