10 weeks pregnant - suspected cheating husband

[user1490090041]

Hey folks, I have just joined Mumsnet... i am looking for a bit of guidance! I found out at the weekend that my husband/partner of 9 years has been messaging a women online - sexually - pics etc. He was delighted when I told him I was pregnant (not really planned). He has issues with alcohol and asked him to move out last night which he done. He denies all knowledge of what was done - I saw it first hand from his phone on Friday evening. I am now left feeling scared, alone & heart broken at 10 weeks pregnant and unsure what to do? it not how I pictured this time. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[BernardsarenotalwaysSaints]

I'm sorry this is happening to you. You might want to get this moved to relationships as you'll probably get more answers. Just report your post & I'm hq will move it across for you.

[jcne]

If this had all happened to me when I was 10 weeks pregnant I would have terminated. Instead what happened to me (somewhat different but still essentially the fuckery of a male) after 24 weeks. Now I've got PND and spend quite a lot of time feeling hopeless and bleak and trapped and wishing I was dead. So believe it or not I'm envious.

Only you can decide, but I can tell you from personal experience that having a baby with a man you have come to despise is not a happy or straightforward experience and it gets worse the further into it you get.

[frenchfancypants]

No one can tell you what to do. The decision is yours.

[Lugeeta]

Have a termanation and forget him.

[QueenCassiopeia]

jcne I'm so sorry you're going through this. Stay strong.

OP Only you know what's right for you, if your relationship is over for good perhaps a baby is not the right path for you. Whatever you decide you'll make it work

[Spideysenses1]

Just saw this , please remember that the child growing inside you is also yours , a part of you , and just because the dad may or May not be a total deadbeat or you grow to hate him , this tiny little human is your child too . My children's love beats that of any mans . You might find that too . You have my sympathy , it's a horrible situation , but I , along with probably many others have been there and still surviving . Congrats on your pregnancy , emotions make it a wild ride do what is right for you in your heart xx much love xx

[DirtyDancing]

I am very far from anti abortion, in fact I believe very strongly in pro-choice. But just saying terminate and forget him is by no means as simple as it seems.

OP I would say you need to separate him from the baby in your mind to make your decision on what to do next. It's very possibly you feel attached to the baby, regardless of him. It won't be easy, and you seriously need to decide whether you can do this on your own. What other help do you have nearby ? How financial independent are you?

[Moanyoldcow]

I'd never tell anyone they 'should' have a termination but if there is one thing that I know, it's choose who you have children with VERY carefully. I have been very cautious but my mum wasn't. And my sister wasn't. And my aunt wasn't. And my grandmother wasn't. I broke the cycle for me, but there are generations of my family make the same mistakes and having children with awful men. They are in your lives forever. The best you can hope for is he just fucks of but if he decides to stay he'll have parental responsibility and he'll be interfering like you wouldn't believe.

Think with your head as well as your heart.

[Moanyoldcow]

Excuse typos, grammar etc - rushing on phone.

[scoobydoo1971]

Termination is a very personal decision for you. Perhaps your GP could organise counselling if you are undecided. However, whatever you decide, please ensure that your health practitioner screens you for all STD type infections, as well as bacterial vaginosis and thrush.

[normanreedusWILLbemyhusband]

Spider took my words out of my mouth.
Wishing you the best of luck

[user1490090041]

Thank you for all the wise words...I have been to see the nurse for STI screening (one of the first things I done) - I am awaiting results for this. I saw my GP yesterday and talked it through with her - she was very helpful. I also have counselling this morning too - speak to someone neutral and informed. As for support - my mum is in full time care with dementia (65) after 40 years of being with my dad enduring domestic abuse surrounding alcohol - I am very mindful of my childhood and how life played out for her. Needless to say I do not have a good relationship with my father. I would rely on good friends to see me through as a single parent/pregnancy. Financially I would struggle - at the end of the day my husbands financial responsibility sits legally with his child.. not me. As for my husband - he hasn't been in contact the last few days - I think this is for the best for now get my own head space sorted.

[QueenCassiopeia]

OP You sound very sensible- good luck with everything

[Spideysenses1]

I hope your alright ! How you feeling today ? X

[podrig]

I'm knocking sagely at moanyoldcow. The awful men are in your life forever. This s is painful and true. Think long and hard op

[podrig]

• nodding

[Moanyoldcow]

I'm not trying to do a pop-psychology lesson here: you've said yourself you mum was abused by your alcoholic father and you've obviously been affected profoundly by finding yourself with an alcohol-abusing man.

Be truly honest with yourself - how will you feel if your child grows up with a dad like yours? Will you cope emotionally? Are your friends reliable or will they run after 3 or 4 violent and drunk altercations?

[Moanyoldcow]

@podrig - I sometimes think you can only comprehend how pervasive those shitty relationships can be when you've seen one firsthand.

[user1490090041]

Thank you to each and everyone of you that took the time to advise and post on this thread.

I have had some good time to think about the situation over the weekend. I also got some very real honest answers from my husband and told him where my thoughts are. I think the penny has finally dropped for him - I was very honest with him told him that I am no longer in love with him - care for him but I have taken enough of false promises, lies and alcohol abuse. I told him what i think about bringing a child into this situation how i feel that it is unfair and extremely volatile and the majority of the responsibility sits with me. He has declared all sorts about getting help, that he can stop with alcohol and the there is a problem - this isn't anything that I haven't heard before - along time ago I should have said go and get help and left him to it to see those changes and commitment. Stupidly i didn't - I can not put my life on hold any longer either way - I need to take a selfish pill for the first time in a long time and make decisions for me and my future for once.

[hellsbellsmelons]

It's not a selfish pill at all.
It's what you need to do.
I really hope it all goes OK for you.
Then you can look to the future.
Good luck