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I'm so unhappy

(11 Posts)
user1490008287 Tue 21-Mar-17 09:22:42

This might be a long one!

I have been with my husband for 12 years married for nearly 8. We once had an excellent relationship but now I feel like we have drifted too far apart to be fixed.

Ha has depression, our used to be chronic lows but then the majority of the time he was happy, relaxed, funny, carrying and just wonderful. Over the past few years he has stood the up and down but had settled at constantly low, he is on medication but it's exhausting. We don't have sex, he doesn't sit with me, touch me or kiss me. I feel completely rejected, unattractive and pointless. I have put on a lot odd weight and I would rather he just said I'm gross than the constant avoidance. We have ,3 children and I appreciate it's exhausting but can you really be too tired for a kiss or cuddle?

We had a big talk before Christmas and I laid everything out on the table and nothing had changed! I told him last night I am so close to leaving. I have suggested counselling, reading self help books, writing to each other as he finds talking difficult, even said I will wait for him to talk to me but nothing.

I'm ashamed to say I have even had sex with someone else just to feel wanted. I almost want to tell him just to get a reaction, just to see if he actually bloody cars at all.

I just want out but feel ashamed and a failure. How will I cow with 3 children by myself? Does my happiness even matter as should I just suck it up for the children. We get on and don't argue so it's not impossible that we stay together for them.

I'm confused and hurt and just don't know what to do. When do I give up? When is enough, enough? Xxxx

Joysmum Tue 21-Mar-17 09:36:43

Your husband isn't trying and you can't make up for that.

Now the situation has turned you into the type of person you never wanted to be, a cheater.

This relationship is destroying you and yet you're still hanging on in there sad

user1490008287 Tue 21-Mar-17 09:39:51

You're absolutely right, I think I needed to hear that. This relationship is no good for me at all and I am changing into a person I really don't want to be. I just feel sick at the thought of leaving, I don't think he would be ok without me sad

TheNaze73 Tue 21-Mar-17 10:37:29

You've cheated & need to end things.

It sounds like it will be best for all parties. Shane he hasn't had the self realisation, to do this himself.

Good luck

LEELULUMPKIN Tue 21-Mar-17 10:42:04

Hi OP. I am so sorry you are going through this. I have no experience to offer but I am a big believer in the saying "we have nothing to fear but fear itself"

As someone who HATES change, I know the thought of ending this relationship must be terrifying, however this is one of those big moments in life when you really do have to ask yourself "am I happy living half a life?"

As far as we know, we only get one lap around this track called life. You have to decide whether you are happy to limp along it or put those running shoes on and give it your all.

Life is way too short to be unhappy.

Good luck (sorry, don't know how to do flowers!!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 21-Mar-17 10:48:29

I don't know how old your children are but can you see yourself staying put for another let's say, 12 years feeling like this?

juneau Tue 21-Mar-17 10:53:46

It's so hard isn't it? When staying is shit, but then so is the prospect of leaving. So you stay, just because doing nothing is easier than doing something, particularly when that 'something' is such a drastic move with consequences for all five of you. I would recommend, as you feel so unhappy and so stuck, that you go and get relationship counsellling for yourself. Perhaps it will help you to see a way forward. Personally, as you've already strayed and your DH makes no effort to change and doesn't seem to want to make any effort, I don't see a future for your marriage, but if what you need is the strength and determination to leave, then go and talk to a professional about that. You might also want to make an appointment with a solicitor to go through the legal stuff and make sure you know where you stand.

ErnieAndBernie Tue 21-Mar-17 11:00:13

Has he tried a change of medication? I'm not surprised being constantly low is exhausting for you (both most likely).
I think it sounds like ultimatum time. He needs to speak to a doctor about the depression. You need to get some counselling together to see if it is going to last the distance or not. I'd give him a week to see medical help. And a week to agree to see a counsellor after which you need to locate one and set up an appointment by the end of the following week.
I'm sorry you are going through this, you sound rather beaten down and lacking in self confidence. How do you feel about having put weight on? Whilst you are speculating on how he feels about this, you don't mention your own feelings.
As pp said, we only get one lap around the track of life. I think you need some momentum. Put the ultimatum on the table and don't be afraid to carry it out. At least then you know you tried and if he couldn't raise himself enough to meet that challenge then you have your answer. He's an adult and you can't change him, only he can. But you can put a plan into place and improve your life with or without him.

user1490008287 Tue 21-Mar-17 11:40:45

Thank you so much everyone, I think you're all completely right. I do need to make changes soon, I will talk to him and set our a plan and if he's not prepared to do anything to help himself then I think I do need to go alone.

I always thought I would never cheat, I trusted myself implicitly and was always if the opinion that if you want to leave you should end the relationship. I just never thought I would end up here.

I love him dearly, he says he loves me and wants to be here with me but his behaviours just says the completely opposite.

I am miserable about mutt weight and am working on that but I am a very emotional eater and I think I am overeating to avoid dealing with horrible things.

I am just so resentful, I feel I have no sport and actually my life would be easier workout him in it. Mainly, I feel sad.

Thank you all x

xStefx Tue 21-Mar-17 12:00:03

I know you say he loves you but if he knows your desperately unhappy and doesn't want to change that then I cant see how he does love you.

Seems he just wants someone to take care of him no matter what the cost to them

leave OP xx

user1490008287 Tue 21-Mar-17 12:15:29

That's exactly what I think, actions speak louder than words and he is not showing love in any sense of the word.

Everyone had actually really helped, I am seeing things more clearly and I do need to leave.

Thank you x

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