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New boyf says I 'talk at him' :-(

(146 Posts)
annabananna82 Tue 21-Mar-17 07:20:47

So been seeing a new boyf for the last 2months...

It's got pretty intense quick and although at the beginning i was very much wanting to take things slow I must admit I've found that quite hard and I've fallen hard

Seems we both feel the same although it's early days

Anyway we've had now 3 silly arguments
One was very very silly but he said something about not getting a word in
The second was quite bad where he ended up leaving my flat when we was supposed to be saying
And the third was last night

In a nut shell, he says something
I take it the wrong way ( for some unknown reason ) and he then says I talk at him ? It's got to the point where the second time I thought maybe I did so this time I've tried not
To - I explained it's just the way I talk and he then accused me of being aggressive !! Must admit it really got my back up as I think aggressive quite a strong word

In my defence I was just literally getting my point across so I agreed and said yes I'm upset and being passionate as we are in an argument?!

Later he's all calmer saying how unfair and unreasonable I was being?!

Apart from an early relationship which I'm fully aware of am I right to be concerned ?

My mum said
Be wary that i can't even talk and get my point across? Surely there should be some boundary
Did I cross it?
Just maybe I'm over thinking it

We've texted this morning but it's short and although he says let's just forget about it I feel hurt ( I know he does too ) as last time he said it's not all about me ?! I said I'm aware of that but telling someone how YOU feel
Doesn't mean your not appreciating their feelings too

Thanks for reading xx

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Tue 21-Mar-17 07:23:19

Run. Run away. Fast.

Find someone better.

ChuckDaffodils Tue 21-Mar-17 07:23:24

What actually happened?

MangoSplit Tue 21-Mar-17 07:27:06

My DH comes from a household where his parents never argued, I come from one where a row was seen as a good way of 'clearing the air'. Neither is right or wrong (both sets of parents have been happily married for 40+ years now), but the two of you need to find a compromise or this won't work. DH and I have both adapted - he now realised that it's not the end of the world when we (occasionally) have a row and doesn't mean we're on the brink of divorce; I've learnt to save arguments for the important stuff and to present my viewpoint slightly less passionately!

It can be done but only if you're BOTH prepared to change. Not for one of you to expect the other to do all the compromising.

annabananna82 Tue 21-Mar-17 07:28:50

Ok so without babbling lol

We were chatting on the phone
He said he's thinking about going back to a sport he used to do
I said ah ok I don't know anything about the sport ...as in what it entails
He said you 'don't need to know anything about it '
It took me by surprise so I just went oh that's nice I was just interested?!

As I know very little about the different levels this sport involved it is something he used to do professionally which is know is time consuming and expensive so as we are both in our late 30,s I just wanted to check this man is going to be committed to me - fair enough right?!

He then said I took the comment the wrong way which I can say ok I did maybe
He said he was just saying it wouldn't affect our relationship
But I took it as non as your business?!

But the issue is that after we ' mis understood ' each other we couldn't then just sort it out
It led to us having a heated conversation and that's when he called me aggressive !! When I honestly can't say I was

noego Tue 21-Mar-17 07:29:23

Arguments are one thing. Discussions are something else.
In an argument, people can get loud and try to shout the other person down, or shout over them or say things that they don't mean. This usually happens when people lose their "cool".
Discussions are when two people keep their cool and discuss the differences, be respectful and can still be assertive in the correct way. Your relationship is fairly new, so are the arguments about boundaries?

acornsandnuts Tue 21-Mar-17 07:29:27

I'm not sure. People often have different conversation styles based on family. My ils talk loudly over each other and sound very aggressive to my ear. They shout with a scowl to pass the salt!

Our family tend to be more conversation tennis so I found their style and initially DHs very intimidating.

Do you listen are do you railroad the topic?

MangoSplit Tue 21-Mar-17 07:29:29

My ex boyfriend and I used to argue every day! My relationship with DH is a lot calmer - partly because of how much he hates arguments. But yes, you do need to be able to express yourself too.

annabananna82 Tue 21-Mar-17 07:31:37

Hmm bit of both

I certainly need to learn to listen !
I come from a family where my mum constantly interrupts me!! And I find it so annoying so I find myself trying not to and my ex did say I interrupt him so with my new boyf saying I talk at him I obviously don't want to do that

But the point is also I feel my points not listened to......like you say compromise I guess

Cricrichan Tue 21-Mar-17 07:33:34

You weren't unreasonable in trying to find out what the sport entailed and he sounds defensive about it. It probably will affect the time you spend together and that's why he didn't want to explain and then accuses you of being aggressive.

Rinkydinkypink Tue 21-Mar-17 07:34:46

Get out now. If he's already critical of you 2 months in and making you feel bad imagine what he'll do to you after a year, 2 years.

Don't stay in a relationship with a "drainer". It never ends well

BitOutOfPractice Tue 21-Mar-17 07:35:44

2 months in and you're already rowing like this, regularly. It shouldn't be this hard, stressful or angry at this stage. You know that OP. Just walk away.

This man doesn't want you to have an opinion. That doesn't bode well for the future does it?

MangoSplit Tue 21-Mar-17 07:36:10

When he says 'let's just forget about it' - while that's tempting, I do think it's important that you discuss this again calmly and try to figure out what you and he could have done differently. Your disagreements in these early days do set a pattern for how you both deal with conflict within this relationship.

MangoSplit Tue 21-Mar-17 07:39:18

I don't agree with the LTB comments here. While three fairly minor arguments in two months might sound a lot for some couples, it's normal for others. You're still finding your way in terms of how to relate to each other as a couple.

But you do need to talk this issue through. If he completely refuses to discuss it or accept any responsibility then maybe he isn't the one for you.

annabananna82 Tue 21-Mar-17 07:39:35

Cric very true and exactly what I thought! It will affect our time together and I would be ok with it if he had just talked to me about it but it did appear he didn't really want to....

I know I wasn't aggressive but then that's the whole point getting to know someone in an early relationship
The getting to know someone fully

And yes I do know deep down and just needed some non bias advice

There's been other red flags unfortunately so I think this has run its course 😞😞😞

annabananna82 Tue 21-Mar-17 07:43:04

Thanks mango

Yeah I agree not enough to ltb but we spoke at length on argument two
About how we would handle it next time .....

It's not the occasional argument here and there that bothers me
I agree that some couples do
Some don't but I think it's good to clear the air so to speak but there's a difference when it becomes out of hand
The problem
For me he called me aggressive and I didn't feel I could talk to him at all as he just ' shuts off '
He told me last time because of his ex who put him though hell its why he does that but that's another issue
I've said don't judge me on her
And his past and honestly I think he does
Which over time I'm going to feel I can't talk.....I felt like that last night

Mouikey Tue 21-Mar-17 07:51:29

Your mum appears to be a wise woman and one who knows you better than we do!

MangoSplit Tue 21-Mar-17 08:07:37

Ah fair enough OP. Better to end it now than let this drag on if it doesn't feel right.

Chickenagain Tue 21-Mar-17 08:13:55

Don't settle for second best.
Don't stay with someone who shuts you down by calling you aggressive.
Don't stay with anyone who makes you feel less than fabulous. Life is too short.

annabananna82 Tue 21-Mar-17 08:15:06

Thing is I probably was aggressive!

I've just looked up aggressive behaviour and it says everything I was last night! Raised voice and talking at speed....so he just thinks I'm aggressive when maybe we just aren't compatible as it's left me feeling like I've done something really awful

I think he has put all the blame onto me though....if we didn't have the second argument which was quite bad then I would try and sort it out
But the fact we couldn't communicate last night I think I'm always going to be accused of being aggressive and he's left being the calm collected one
( which he wasn't in the argument at all ) ok maybe not as annoyed as me but he certainly fought his corner very well

hellsbellsmelons Tue 21-Mar-17 08:15:42

If there are other red flags then you know what you need to do.
Don't get dragged into this relationship and sleepwalk your way through it for months on end.

OliviaBenson Tue 21-Mar-17 08:21:00

Blimey. You asked a fairly normal question op. It shouldn't be this hard 2 months in.

What are the other red flags?

corythatwas Tue 21-Mar-17 08:22:28

annabananna82 Tue 21-Mar-17 07:28:5

"We were chatting on the phone
He said he's thinking about going back to a sport he used to do
I said ah ok I don't know anything about the sport ...as in what it entails
He said you 'don't need to know anything about it '"

Was your tone a bit meh? My mum has this habit that whenever I tell her about something new we're doing at work (she is in similar field so should understand), she goes "oh" in a very flat tone and every time it's like having a bucket of cold water thrown over me. If challenged she goes "oh, but I don't understand anything about it". It's not what she says, it's the lack of enthusiasm in her voice. If she tells me about a holiday she is planning, she expects more than a flat "oh" from me.

She's not a toxic mother: she just has this one really annoying habit which is not good for my self-confidence. And gets very upset when challenged about it.

0dfod Tue 21-Mar-17 08:27:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nousernameforme Tue 21-Mar-17 08:31:37

DP talks at me all the time by that i mean, If I start a conversation with him he will take it and turn it into something he wants to talk about and go on for ages without me getting a word in. He literally talks at me and I just need to go "mmm" or "Yeah" or some other non committal occasionally so he can carry on.
You were talking with him as in you were both participants in the communication.
I do agree with the above though if it's this hard work this early on sod it. You haven't fallen hard for him you are still in the first throws of lust when everything feels so much more intense bin him cry move on

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