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How do you trust again after lies?

(23 Posts)
Abbielove Tue 21-Mar-17 07:16:43

I'm really struggling to move on with DH.
We've been together 5 years, always extremely loving & best friends. We do everything together and have a very close bond and it's just been wonderful.

3 years ago I found out he had a big debt that he swore to me he had paid off - it caused us to nearly split up as he had lied to me.

I've always said honesty & trust is very important in a relationship.

We have got over that and I started to trust him again but recently I now find out he's been watching porn in secret and hiding it from me.
He says it's a one off and he has no interest in it and hates himself for looking at it and swears he will never do it again.

Trouble is I feel like it's just one lie after another. He used to tell me he hated porn and found it disgusting - says he's never watched it even when he was single.

How do I learn to trust him again?

I know these things would not bother a lot of women so it's not the topics I need help on - more how to move on with our marriage - can you learn to trust again?

noego Tue 21-Mar-17 07:23:00

If he feels the need to lie then there is something in your relationship that is closed. There is an underlying fear he has about opening up to you about these things. Debt/Porn or maybe other things he is closed about.
I would suggest you find out what that is, overcome it and then maybe this renewed openness will prevail and trust is not an issue.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 21-Mar-17 07:24:25

I think those things would bother a lot of women actually.

No trust - no relationship. What about your own principles here of trust and honesty?. He has lied repeatedly and neither are minor matters. Look at his actions OP, what is he really telling you about him?.

shockshockhorror Tue 21-Mar-17 07:34:33

4 months ago I found out my husband had been lying to me. We separated and are only just as the stage of being friendly now.

So, I don't know how you am get the trust back. We are finding counselling to be helpful, it's shed a lot of light on H's mindset which has helped me to understand him a bit better - not that I'm excusing the lies.

Abbielove Tue 21-Mar-17 08:51:04

I feel like I've been cheated, married someone I don't really know - there's a side to him I have no idea about and his needing to lie to me frightens me.
I have no idea how to move on or leave.
Whenever I suggest splitting up he threatens suicide so I feel trapped.

All the while I'm heartbroken and feel my world has been tipped upside down.

LesisMiserable Tue 21-Mar-17 08:53:47

Why do you think he lied?

Abbielove Tue 21-Mar-17 13:02:46

Shock were the lies anything like what my dh has been telling me?
Good that the counseling is working for you

skilledintheartofnothing Tue 21-Mar-17 13:16:42

Sorry , but it split my marriage up.
It was a few big things that affected the whole family, then lots of small things that were pointless.
It got to the stage where i was looking at him while he was talking about a funny day at work and thinking i honestly don't know if this is the truth, embellished or complete fantasy.
It actually made me feel like i was going out of my mind (thought it was me as i had just had a baby, not sleeping well so was maybe making mistakes and not remembering things right) But he happily watched me cry, make plan with a doctor thinking i was having some sort of breakdown while swearing on our baby's life that he was telling the truth.
It destroyed any trust, respect or attraction i had for him that he would do that to his family rather than admit the truth as he was more concerned what others thought of him than destroying his own family.

Abbielove Tue 21-Mar-17 13:20:03

He's sworn on my life about things before than I've found out he was lying - it disgusts me

Adora10 Tue 21-Mar-17 13:20:15

You shouldn't have to `live` with a liar, ever.

You can't trust him as he continually lies; I'd find it hard believing anything he said tbh; I think if he didn't stop the crap I'd have to separate; it's not a life living with someone who thinks nothing of telling you lies; he's already caused you a financial advisor and what exactly did he do with the money; nah, sorry, too much sneakiness and lying for me to want to even be with a person like this.

Rosywood Tue 21-Mar-17 13:28:25

Hi, God, I so know what your going through and it's awful, iv just split from my lying ex husband, constant compulsive liar, some small lies, others bigger. Living like that made me ill for 3years, I was literally tearing myself apart, guess what, he wasn't worth it. Best thing iv ever done was get rid of the lying bastard, I feel so liberated and happy and sure of my life now. I wish you well what ever you decide to do x

Abbielove Tue 21-Mar-17 13:28:58

That's how I feel, I feel sick thinking he'd constantly lying to me- even about silly little things. It's sick

swingofthings Tue 21-Mar-17 13:37:52

I think you are confusing lies with privacy. In the instance of the debt, it was a clear lie as he swore to the opposite of what was a fact. Not just that, but it was a lie that had the potential of a direct impact on you. This kind of lie would upset me as much as it's upset you.

Watching porn is in my view totally different and belongs under the auspice of privacy in my view. Watching porn is not in itself something 'bad' and not something that will impact on you directly. The problem is that YOU have a problem with it, which is very different.

Maybe this is something that you should discuss together, why he feels the need to watch it, why you feel that it is no different than being cheated on (it isn't).

SandyY2K Tue 21-Mar-17 13:38:20

The debt would be a major concern, but I really don't have an issue with porn.

I don't see it's for me to decide what my DH watches and vice versa.

That's his personal choice. Unless the porn itself is (not the lies) is affecting the relationship.

If people feel you won't approve of something, the default is generally to lie about it.

shockshockhorror Wed 22-Mar-17 20:38:12

Similar, he's taken out loans without telling me which I consider a lie of omission. Then he was messaging other women and lied to me when I found out.

I know how you feel about suddenly seeing another side to your Dh. That's exactly how I feel, like what else do I not know? Who is this person?

I have no advice other than to say make sure you are looking after yourself. I've started up my own private savings account and am squirrelling away, just in case I have to leave for good. A sad way to live, but I do hope we can build up the trust again.

What does your DH give as a reason for all the lying?

pocketsaviour Wed 22-Mar-17 20:44:30

He says it's a one off and he has no interest in it and hates himself for looking at it and swears he will never do it again.

Could this disavowal of an extremely common activity be in any way tailored to your views?

Abbielove Wed 22-Mar-17 21:31:49

Shock that does sound similar to my position.
It scares the hell out of me that I've been living with someone that I know so little about. I too am wondering what else I don't know about.

His excuse .. he doesn't know!! He keeps saying he wasn't thinking, will never do it again blah blah blah.
Then threatens suicide if I say it's over. It's emotional blackmail

FritzDonovan Thu 23-Mar-17 03:54:16

I don't think you can. Especially if it's more than one lie, directly to your face, over an extended period of time. He hasn't given you any real reasons for it either.
I think you will always wonder if you're getting the truth, and if there's something you don't know about. Sorry.

Sickofthisalready Thu 23-Mar-17 06:30:36

My ex is a compulsive liar. He's lied about being sacked from jobs, has run up thousands of pounds of debt behind my back, swore to me there's no OW, created emails (by cutting and pasting company logos) from solicitors/mortgage companies to make me think he was dealing with something id asked him to do.

He went to the doctors and admitted he had a problem, but then never did anything else about it. We have recently separated and I dont believe a word he says about anything.

Its still hard even now he's left as he lets DS down because somethings come up at work, which I can only imagine really means he'd rather be out on the p*ss or more likely with OW.

He gets annoyed with me constantly accusing him of lying, but what does he expect!!!!!

Rosywood Thu 23-Mar-17 07:06:26

My ex was also emotionally abusive and threatened the same kind of things, witch is why I had 3years of agonizing over leaving, literally I was in tears daily because I was so unhappy, I'd tell him how unhappy I was, how I couldn't trust him, that I needed him to leave. He would say your just depressed you need to get out to work, (I have very small children). The kids need us together, blah blah, then came the threatening and in the end it was all just so much easier to stay and put up with. Like I said that went on for 3years. Somebody once said you will know when you've had enough, and you will walk away, I couldn't see me ever getting out. But I did one day I told him to leave and I really meant it, he did all the same things he always does, but something had snapped inside of me and I no longer loved him like that. For me it was all over. Honestly can say it was 100% the right decision and I wished I had done it years ago, but I wasn't ready or sure. I had to keep getting back with him and staying with him, to get to this point I'm at now. As funny as it sounds you will just know when enough is enough x

Spring2016 Thu 23-Mar-17 07:14:41

My first husband lied to, stole from and deceived me as well as his parents, brothers ect. over and over, after 4 rocky on and off years I left him.

category12 Thu 23-Mar-17 07:35:14

The fact he's threatened suicide if you split, makes me feel you should split, tbh. Because it's an awful thing to say and it is conscienceless - it puts his feelings squarely above your happiness and holds you hostage. Who on earth would want to force someone else to stay out of pity/fear?

I would stamp firmly on that one if you persist with this relationship.

If you do leave, and he makes such threats, ask the police to do a welfare check on him.

The suicide manipulation is low.

Penfold007 Thu 23-Mar-17 09:28:49

Your H has learnt over the last five years that if/when he gets caught all he has to do is beg and you will forgive him so no consequences for his behaviour or actions.
The suicide threats are just empty nasty threats. I couldn't move past this.

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