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New relationship - emotionally unavailable?

(79 Posts)
Mangoandpassionfruit Tue 21-Mar-17 05:30:21

Thanks in advance for reading, just looking for some advice and views really.
Met online 2 months ago, very quickly moved offline. Speak every day, several times a day. 4 dates so far. Have talked about being a couple, talked about the future and meeting each other's dcs.
Dates are magical but few and far between. We live 45 minutes apart and we are both very busy workwise and with dcs sporting things at weekends. Part of the atttaction how similar our lives are.
So...........dates really hard to pin down, feel I am chasing them.he talks about the future a lot but we don't seem to be able to progress the now to get to the future. He often disappears into himself and has said twice when I've asked he's worried it's not going to work out and the distance and the dcs ages worry him. I feel the responsibility is on my shoulders to prove to him it can work and it's getting a bit exhausting. I wonder if he's scared of getting hurt again or whether he is just emotionally unavailable and pulling me in when he has no intention of making plans to make it work.

Gallavich Tue 21-Mar-17 05:36:23

I think you're rushing a relationship that doesn't exist yet! 4 dates in is very early days.
I'm not saying you're doing it all by yourself as I expect he has got swept up in it too but it would be very reasonable for anyone to feel like putting the brakes on something that is rushing ahead unnaturally fast.

Another possibility is that he likes the idea of a relationship but isn't able to deliver on the reality.

My advice would be don't invest so much emotionally in someone you barely know and a relationship that hasn't barely got off the ground. It might turn into something serious but at this point it really isn't.

Mangoandpassionfruit Tue 21-Mar-17 05:48:44

Thank you, I think that's a really fair point. I think initially he was just so full on and so full of future, I did get completely swept along. We're both sensible late 40s but you're right it's really early days. I just feel frustrated it could be really great but we need to take some positive steps forward to get anywhere. I just have this tiny bag in my head I'm being a little bit manipulated. I don't want a phone or text buddy, I want a relationship and to get to know someone face to face on a regular basis. When I've raised this, I get the' I really want you but I'm worried about distance and the children's ages. I want us to be together long term ' he is knackered with his job etc but I just feel this probably is the status quo and he can't/ won't change.

TheStoic Tue 21-Mar-17 05:50:38

You have to decide whether this right now is making you happy - rather than looking towards a future that might not eventuate.

Walkacrossthesand Tue 21-Mar-17 06:03:44

There's also a danger, I feel, of 'the relationship' becoming a main topic of conversation. I understand that he is/was the one that kept talking about the future; have you considered gently shutting down those conversations - especially in the light of his tendency to pull back - and just enjoy the dates in the here and now? There's really no hurry...

Mangoandpassionfruit Tue 21-Mar-17 06:09:34

Again you're right, as I get pulled into then assuring him it will be ok and then I feel I've come full circle of doing all the work and he hasn't reassured me of anything other than his desire for a future. Think you are right, it should be about the here and now. Time to pull back a little but interesting question, is it making he happy right now because the answer is no sadly, it's just making me anxious.

Walkacrossthesand Tue 21-Mar-17 06:30:03

But is it making you anxious because you're focussing on 'where's it going' IYSWIM? If you can put that away, you may find you enjoy things more. There are men who are 'future fakers' who rush in, promise the earth and are given to then disappearing; they are a less good bet than a slowly developing relationship. Neither of you knows where this is going.

TheNaze73 Tue 21-Mar-17 07:53:12

Just walk before you run. After just 4 meetings, you should be looking no further ahead than your next date.
Step back & breathe.

noego Tue 21-Mar-17 08:01:58

2 months 4 dates and talking about the future and you feeling its your responsibility to make things work. Imagine what the next 30 years will be like.

SandyY2K Tue 21-Mar-17 08:02:09

Give it more time and see if you feel differently.

When he says the kids ages, does he mean they're too young or at a critical age?

Mangoandpassionfruit Tue 21-Mar-17 08:05:44

Critical ages GCSEs Alevels and youngest two early teens. Thank you all for helping to give sine perspective.

Cricrichan Tue 21-Mar-17 08:06:40

I also think you both should just enjoy yourselves. The first bit is the most fun so enjoy it and see where it takes you. And if both your lives are similarly busy then there won't be any resentment from either of you.

0dfod Tue 21-Mar-17 08:34:03

I feel the responsibility is on my shoulders to prove to him it can work and it's getting a bit exhausting

That is it in a nutshell, this will be the template for this relationship ever more.

At this point in the getting to know each other phase I would leave as carrying on will just suck the life from you.

Mangoandpassionfruit Tue 21-Mar-17 16:59:56

Thanks odfod, I think that's what I'm worried about, that this is a template. Think I should just wait and see a little longer with a note of caution. I'm two years out of a 20 year plus marriage and I don't really think I understand dating particularly well any more.

0dfod Tue 21-Mar-17 20:22:42

The dating landscape has changed significantly in the last 10 years. Once when we where first starting out we met a person through uni, pub, etc and we would have some idea about who they were. Now with the interweb we branch out to find a person that has written a short piece about themselves a photo or two. Bit we have no other frame of reference to place them in. This leads to a projection of our wishes, desires, want a into a 2d image. The texting, messaging etc is filtered to represent the person that they would like to project 'image' wise.

This all leads to a head fuck mind field.

Often the situation ends up being a total mismatch of what actually is and what is projected fantasy/dreamwise.

After a long time with a partner that ends leads to a vast vacume that the psyche wishes and is driven to fill. There lies the danger with online dating particularly. That vacume is being filled by something that more often than not is pure fantasy.

I have walked in similar shoes Op.

Mangoandpassionfruit Wed 29-Mar-17 20:49:16

So this week we had date 5 he was away on business, I met him and we dtd first time. Totally, totally lovely and caring, had dinner, lots of teasing and laughing and spent the night together. He was coming to stay with me the next night until mid morning when he text to say his youngest was unwell ( I did know this ) and things were kicking off at home. Obviously I told him he should go straight home but I was gutted as I felt it was another cancellation and I felt vulnerable after dtd. And I pretty much did the you haven't got time for me etc. He asked if I was dating goodbye and on reflection I said no. To be fair to him he reached out and said he really needed some help with the dcs as he was struggling. So I gave him a bit of advice. He naesagef this morning to say he was completely wrung out physically and mentally with dc but hoped I was ok. I just text back and said I was here if he wanted me and sent a hug. I know he's really busy tonight but heard nothing since. I don't know whether to text and just be supportive or just give him space. Just don't know whether this is just too much drama, whether he's not into me or whether I'm overthinking. Would massively appreciate advice. So sorry so long.

crazyhead Wed 29-Mar-17 21:02:59

I often got into v quickly intense, tense situations like this. When I got together with now DH, we somehow got how to make it fun - we love the arts and would have a really lovely night out at the theatre, for instance, or we'd go on a long walk. We enjoyed the moment. I somehow relaxed about stuff. I'd dial right back - no chat about the future, but can you fix up that fantastic Saturday night, for instance? If you can't, it prob isn't right (based on my experience)

tallwivglasses Wed 29-Mar-17 21:09:35

Back off. Honestly. Keep your options open. He ain't the only fish in the sea.

Mamaka Wed 29-Mar-17 21:24:36

Any chance he's actually married?!

Kr1stina Wed 29-Mar-17 21:36:53

What do you mean by " things were kicking off at home " ? Were his children at his home without him or at their mothers ? I assumed they were adults if he could leave that at home alone for two nights .

Mangoandpassionfruit Wed 29-Mar-17 21:45:15

His mum was staying with them at his home. His youngest is struggling since his divorce

Mangoandpassionfruit Wed 29-Mar-17 21:45:37

Definitely not married

SaltySeaDog72 Wed 29-Mar-17 21:48:37

Op I'm so sorry but (and I have done OLD and I do mean this kindly) you really need to chill the heck out..
this is someone you have met a grand total of 5 times.
And you are both busy.
You both have full lives. So this dating phase and ultimately your relationship (if it indeed turns into one) will always reflect that

Mangoandpassionfruit Wed 29-Mar-17 21:54:12

Thank you Saltyseadog, I think you're very right and don't take any offence. I just needed some perspective. Dating is blinkin mad in your 40s!

Dieu Wed 29-Mar-17 21:59:16

Madness, absolute madness. Sorry. No way would I be talking about introducing my kids to someone after only 4 dates, let alone discussing the future. You should only be planning ahead the length of time that you have already known that person (so in this case, a couple of months). You are going to get hurt if you continue to rush in, and emotionally invest so quickly and all-consumingly. Hold a bit of yourself back, for dignity and self-protection.

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