Help! My DP's family are tearing apart my relationship.

[Morningstar26]

Iam at my wits end!
I have always had issues regarding my DPs family, especially his grandmother and brother i have always tryed to be polite to them even though they make it perfectly clear they dont like me. My BIL has issues with mental health which he has never sought help for and as a result is prone to anger outbursts. Over the last year my dp and i have purchased our first home together and i thought my troubles with them was over. However, since we have moved into our home we have had nothing but grief. My BIL has began phoning at all hours of the night being abusive and in my opinion threatening. When my dp refuses to go and see him due to having to sleep for work he becomes more aggresive calling him selfish and a traitor for not doing what he asks. On approaching the subject with as much care as possible my DPs grandmother she not only brushes it off but justifies this behaviour as stress. I already suffer from anxiety and as you can imagine this has made things worse. My DP seems to take his family's side and doesn't feel the need to defend me. As a result of this constant stress and worry that he could take his anger too far and turn violent i have put our baby plans on hold until this is resolved which i fear it may never be. I feel my BIL could not be trusted around any child we may have due to his temper and feel my wish to become a parent may never become a reality.
Any advice anyone may have is welcomed.
Thank you dearly in advance x

[GloucestershireGuy]

You have a DP problem. If he's not got your back but sides with his family, I'd be putting the relationship on hold, not just baby plans

[SandyY2K]

I could say put phones on silent at night and limit time that you personally spend with his family, but I still think you'd have issues.

If my DHs family wanted him to come and help them at night, that's down to him to attend and help or not. I would not let it become my problem.

What have they done that requires him to defend you?

[Morningstar26]

It only became my problem when his brother blamed me for him not being able to help late at night. We put phones on silent and when they go unanswered he constantly rings the landline until someone answers. As far as him defending me both BIl and granny have hurled abuse at me on several occasions and his granny has even went as far as asked me to leave my own home so she could speak to DH and when i refused as it was my home and shouldn't be expected to leave she proceeded to call me names and say i was a selfish cow for not allowing her to speak to DH even when i suggested they go into another room if it was a private conversation.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Your DP won't defend you against abuse. That is your only problem.

BIL, the grandmother, they aren't your problem.

Tackle the DP problem only. Tell him you expect him to stand up for you. Tell him he must not let his family mistreat you. He must demonstrate with actions (not words) that he values you more than them. If he doesn't then it's over.

[TesticlesInTheBlender]

I would be unplugging the landline at night and asking your DP to distance himself from them - you do not need people like this in your life.

[ptumbi]

I'd be seriously rethinking this relationship.

You will never be free from his brother. His Gran may pass, eventually, but is it worth waiting for that?
If he sides with his brother and doesn't defend you, it will never get better. And yes, don't bring a baby into it.

You worry about 'his' anger issues? Whose? DPs?

If so, get out now.

[SandyY2K]

Maybe he feels he can't challenge his granny and with his brother having a mental health condition it's the same.

That said, he has to have appropriate boundaries for them. Because if my relatives spoke to my husband that way, I'd put them right straight away. In fact even when my BIL (sister's DH), was out of line with my DH, I made it clear I wasn't impressed and would not have gone to their house again (when he was in), if he didn't apologise.

You need to seriously think if this relationship is right for you. I suspect only the thought of loosing you will get the message through to him that he better step up.

In relation to his brother blaming you for him not going to help him... Simply tell him you have no powers to control your DP, and the decision is his own.

Unplug the land line from the wall. The thing is that even if you do that, that's not the main problem.

Don't give up your desire to be a mother, because you don't want your BIL around your DC.

My solution, if my DH can't or won't recognise the issue, would be to end the relationship. If it's making you so upset, what's the point in staying.

You only get one life.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Unplug the landline at night.

My DP seems to take his family's side and doesn't feel the need to defend me
THIS is your problem
Your DP!!!!

This will never get any better unless your DP can detach from his family and defend you.
I'd be running for the hills!

[ptumbi]

Your DP is obviously NOT detached from his family of origin, His granny thinks you are an interloper who doesn't belong, his BIL has MH issues that your DP thinks he has to manage, and at not stage is anyone considering you. You are an inconvenience, an irrelevance to their lives. Even your DP feels this, otherwise he would be defending you and marking boundaries.

Get out now.