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Help, I'm out of options

(17 Posts)
SeekingSugar Mon 20-Mar-17 20:30:15

I'm going to be very honest here so please be warned that you may find this upsetting.
Can I be very clear that I know I am at fault, and that I have behaved despicably. I accept this.
What I am hoping to learn from posters is how on earth to resolve the mess I am in.
I have been on my own with my children since the youngest was born. Their father had a mental breakdown. Since leaving, he has remained part of their lives, seeing them once a week and paying child support.
There is no family help at all, my parents and sister have died and my brothers live in another country.
I threw myself into coping and somehow we have got this far - 10 years in - largely intact. But it's unravelling quickly.
My eldest is a teenager and I am not coping with her behaviour. Last night she was angry when I said she needed to do homework before getting her phone back. She took out her anger on her brother (who was asleep) by pulling off his bedcovers, and crashing around in his bedroom. He has a disorder and getting him to sleep takes 45min plus so I was incensed.
I ripped off her bedcovers and tossed them out of her room. I said she could sleep without bedding or go to her father's.
She continued ranting at me (she hates me, she hates her brother, I'm a bitch). I phoned her father and while I was on the phone she kicked me. I lost it, I hit her - about 10 times.
Eventually removed myself, went to look after her brother who was extremely upset and waited for her father.
She's gone now - and this is where I'm stuck. What do I do? TBH I don't want her back. I was brought up in an extremely violent household which I hated and I don't want that for my kids. But it turns out I'm like my parents. So what do I do? Their father won't take them and there is no other family.
I almost want her to complain to police so she will be taken away.
To give a bit of background, I have until this point been quite successful - kids are healthy, have friends, do well at school, and I've tried to give them lots of lovely experiences. But it turns out my daughter hates me, hates her brother (she's resented him from the start as she blames him for her father leaving) and our home is a war zone.
I completely get why some parents walk out or kill themselves.

gamerchick Mon 20-Mar-17 20:35:41

You are not like your parents.

Sounds like a bit of space between you and your daughter is what's needed. Her dad will have to take her for a bit until you get your relationship sorted out.

pocketsaviour Mon 20-Mar-17 20:44:04

Did she go to school okay today? Was there any visible injuries from where you hit her? if so, you need to take her for medical attention and let them know what you did.

Have you apologised to her for beating her? (Yes, I would say striking her 10 times or more is a beating)

That said, I think your GP might be a good first port of call for getting this sorted. Alternatively, speak to her school and ask for help, her head of year would be a good start or they may refer you to pastoral care.

You obviously know you have done something very very wrong so the important thing now is that you acknowledge it, and get help to ensure it doesn't happen again.

scoobydoo1971 Mon 20-Mar-17 20:45:33

If her father won't take her full-time, then you could ask for help from social services. Teenage daughter needs assessing for emotional and behavioural disorders by a CAMHS team (GP can sort that) for her own long-term well-being. Contemplating foster care is going to be a tough call for you, but it may well be that it gives you both some space to work on your relationship if you start family counselling sessions. All may not be lost as this may be a developmental-phase with her, or due to undiagnosed mental health issues. Your relationship may improve in the future with some space, and appropriate intervention.

SeekingSugar Mon 20-Mar-17 21:00:22

gamer
You are not like your parents. Sounds like a bit of space between you and your daughter is what's needed. Her dad will have to take her for a bit until you get your relationship sorted out

Thank you for being kind, I really appreciate it. He only has a studio so no room. Last night was an emergency.

pocket Yes she went to school today. I don't know if there are visible marks, I haven't seen her since last night. Yes I acknowledge it was a beating.
Yes I could ask our GP, he's known us since she was born and is a very kind person.

scoobydoo I have researched help options for violent women and come up with nothing, they are all for men. I am loathe to approach social services as they have a dreadful reputation. Btw I am not in UK.
We do have a child mental health service but again, the reputation is dreadful. I have approached her school counsellor in the past when she was having panic attacks and they were unhelpful. I think they are probably over-subscribed.
Maybe it is time for foster care. I would opt for boarding school if I had the means. I am really afraid for my daughter.

statetrooperstacey Mon 20-Mar-17 21:05:53

If I'm to be completely honest it sounds awful but actually not THAT unusual. Ime many of the mothers i
Of teenage girls that I know have been toe to toe with them. Me included both with my daughter and with my mum.
Many years ago a colleague told me how she had hit her daughter with a riding crop, I was shock, when she saw my face she said "but she was hitting me with her hockey stick!"grin
See if she can stay a few days with her dad so you can both calm down, apologise to her, then explain to her her behaviour was also outrageous, try and talk it through.
On the plus side Maybe she will behave better now she knows you can kick her ass?! wink
You will both get through this flowers

SaorAlbaGuBrath Mon 20-Mar-17 21:07:04

I'd agree you're not like your parents. It sounds to me like you're at the end of your tether and things got massively out of hand. You need support, and so do your kids. What you did was awful, and what your DD did to her brother and to you was awful. But you're not minimising, or denying that and you want to change things. You can move on, together with support. flowers

SeekingSugar Mon 20-Mar-17 21:11:04

state you made me laugh. Thank you! Honestly, I feel she has a lovely life in so many ways. On Thursday she is being whisked away with her best friend on an 5-star holiday doing things I've only ever dreamed off. This was part of my grumble, I wanted her to do homework knowing that she'd be off school later in the week. We were just home from the beauty salon where I'd taken her for a professional manicure to sort of ramp up the excitement of her holiday. I adore my children! I want them to feel loved and to have wonderful adventures. I just want them to do their bloody homework too. Grr. Wish I could get my own childhood out of my head. My mother was a dragon.

PollytheDolly Mon 20-Mar-17 21:13:29

Hey OP. Everyone has their limits and you were pushed beyond yours. Shit happens (I do not mean that lightly) but it does.

I know what's it like to be so fucking frustrated and once the blue touch paper is lit.....

I hope you can resolve this. First step to admit you were wrong, which you have, but give yourself and your DD some space. Then talk.

Good luck x

gamerchick Mon 20-Mar-17 21:20:45

Of teenage girls that I know have been toe to toe with them. Me included both with my daughter and with my mum

Yep, I'm not trying to minimise your situation though, you probably do need to offload IRL and see if you can get some support for you and your daughter.

I've been there with my mother, I was an utter nightmare and one memorable occasion with my then teenage daughter it took every ounce not to lose control. She has no idea how close she came to being flattened that day.

This is a wake up call telling you you can't continue the way you have. This isn't a violent household where it's normal, this is a family needing to change direction.

Give it some time and then have a chat with her.

SeekingSugar Mon 20-Mar-17 21:23:09

SaorAlbaGuBrath and PollytheDolly - thank you both so much for being kind, it's really encouraging.

Starting to think along the lines of a family meeting about boundaries and consequences.

I have been feeling very worried as my pay from two sources didn't go through (just unfortunate glitches), which my daughter wasn't to know and didn't deserve to be hurt by, just terrible timing.

statetrooperstacey Mon 20-Mar-17 21:30:24

It's always harder on your own too. There is nobody else there to step in and diffuse the situation, so things can escalate very quickly.
You have shown her you have teeth and are human and have a breaking point. It doesn't mean you are your mother.

Kikikaakaa Mon 20-Mar-17 21:32:17

God I have felt rage like no other with my challenging teen at times. I am quite similar to you in some ways - violent upbringing and scared I will be the same. I have had moments where I have scared myself with how angry I have felt.

So I do understand

I also understand how it felt to be a teen girl and try every day to put myself in her shoes. I think the only way we will get through this is to take a long hard look at ourselves and how we ended up at this point (breaking at times)

I believe this can be addressed but it will be very hard. It will be painful. It will mean admitting your faults and how you and her father may have contributed. It will not be nice. But it is what you need to do wherever she lives, because otherwise you will carry around this guilt and upset forever. Her moving out may solve some things, but not them all.

Now things are calm, you could sit down with her and try to discuss a way forward. I really advocate family therapy for you all. She's had a shit time in her life and she isn't coping or dealing with things. Neither are you and together it's turning toxic.

So I say all this with understanding I really do, please do not take this as a lecture.

Short term she could stay with her father? Then her holiday? Then sit down and talk about what you both want family life to be like

user1482079332 Mon 20-Mar-17 21:36:47

Teen girls can be the worst and you being her mother are a safe place to vent it all. Your only human chalk it up to experience

Mamaka Mon 20-Mar-17 21:42:19

Good post from kiki.
You were brought up in a violent household and now you have been violent to your DD. This isn't a coincidence (but neither does it mean you are like your parents) it means that when you are pushed over the edge, what comes out as an instinctive, base reaction is what you were taught growing up. This is normal, but needs to change. Maybe counselling is needed to go back over what you learned in childhood and unlearn it? It also sounds like you need new strategies with your DD. Maybe you don't have constructive strategies because none were ever used with you when you were growing up.
I had a violent and abusive upbringing and when I am angry I really get the urge to hit my children. Sometimes I literally don't know how else I can deal with them. It's horrible and so upsetting. There is no quick fix to this and requires a lot of work on our part.

Kikikaakaa Mon 20-Mar-17 21:54:12

I agree, we don't always realise how our upbringing has affected us until we get a shock like this. I seem o have adopted a very harsh brusque tone with my DC's that is not unlike my fathers. My DD has adopted this tone too. It's so learnt and ingrained I do not realise I have done it. But I realise I do. The way I speak invokes anger in her and she responds to me like it. I literally have to modify everything that comes out of my mouth when I am angry, from my breathing to my words and my tone.
I am terrible with stress. My DD is terrible with stress. I disconnect, go into myself when stressed. DD displays outward stress at me. I then cannot cope with both the loads of stress and implode internally. You can get off the cycle it just takes hard work from you both

SaorAlbaGuBrath Mon 20-Mar-17 21:54:54

OP, I think your ideas sound really positive and proactive. Things can change, you can change it. Your DD also needs to take responsibility for her actions too, and reflect in the way you have. I wish you all the best for the future xx

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