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Friendship that went wrong affecting children

(14 Posts)
Kikikaakaa Mon 20-Mar-17 19:38:20

Didn't really know what title to give this.

Anyway one of my children has had a friend she met a nursery/primary and they are still friends now at the same secondary school.

I became friends with the mother. She was in an unhappy marriage and I was fancy free (as much as you can be with 2 DC). I supported her through the divorce and then through a lot of issues with the ex and contact with their DC. I think I was a good friend. I helped in practical ways - housework, shopping, babysitting etc and we socialised a lot.

Over the next couple of years she kept getting upset she couldn't find 'the one'. She went through a few total losers who used her for sex and helped pick up all the pieces every time, trying to rebuild her confidence. Again I was supportive but a bit concerned about some things, like being used by men and the relationship with her DD was a bit off and some concerning comments her DD made to my DD - GP's did most of the childcare while she worked, socialised constantly (more than me) and never had any money but was always out. I did say to her once when she asked me for advice that I thought her DD was feeling a bit left out, (DF wasn't involved at all) and mum was always always out with her friends. I said this kindly and made the effort for us to do more child friendly things together.

Suddenly friend met a man and after 2 weeks he basically moved in. I was shocked and said to her that she should take things slowly due to her DD. She told me directly, in front of a group of people that she knew I would react like this and did not want to hear anything I had to say and that if I couldn't be happy for her then I should just stay out of her life. I got very drunk and emotional that night and felt quite isolated - I didn't know the other people in the group very well and kind of just wanted to go home. I felt uncomfortable and a bit hurt - I was being kind, I said everything kindly as her friend, out of concern. But I suppose I may have looked jealous. I had been single for a lot longer than friend but wasn't looking for the same thing as her anyway.

After this our friendship just nosedived, she was always busy and we just didn't talk again. Then she started posting pointed things on FB about how people who can't support her happiness are just miserable/single/jealous. So I deleted her from FB to avoid any confrontation. I didn't have anything to say that was constructive, not sure this was the right thing to do.

Her DD has not let this drop with my DD. It's driving me mad. This is NOT something the DC should be discussing. It's been 2 years! Ex friend has told her DD that I am 'jealous' so her DD keeps commenting to my DD that I caused this rift and it's not fair. DD's are in the same class, and actually my DD is ok with the friendship apart from this issue. It's so inappropriate! I have explained to my DD that this is inappropriate and that it's complicated, and she has asked friend to drop the subject. But it keeps coming up!

What is the best move here now? After 2 years this just doesn't seem to have died a death on its own. I really don't want to have to talk to the other parent in all honesty. What's done is done. This is not fair on my DD though I feel

Nomoreworkathome Mon 20-Mar-17 19:44:26

I would feel inclined to email or write a letter explaining your concerns with the children. Hopefully it will appeal to her better nature. Cant see any good could come from face to face given the way she has behaved.

Nomoreworkathome Mon 20-Mar-17 19:46:01

Actually...... thinking more on it I would talk to your DD and ask her to try and ignore any comments. It will die a death eventually

Kikikaakaa Mon 20-Mar-17 19:51:35

DD's have actually got into a row about it today sad with each of them defending their mother. I do not talk about this or bring it up.
I'm sorry if the other child feels that this has affected their friendship, they now never go to each other's houses like they used to, I undersgsnd that. I don't even know if this comes from the mother or just what the DD is inventing to try recreate what we all had in the past?

Nomoreworkathome Mon 20-Mar-17 19:53:13

It doesn't sound to me like this f'ship will last TBH.

scoobydoo1971 Mon 20-Mar-17 20:35:47

Child friendships come and go. I had a male friend a few years ago who was a (former) neighbour. He was a single parent of a child who was a similar age to my son, and they made friends. I liked him as a person, until I found out he had told a lot of lies about his personal circumstances. I dropped hints that I knew he wasn't being honest, and I had been very kind to him so felt quite bad that he had felt the need to lie about silly things. He stopped his son playing with my son soon afterwards and I was upset at the time, but with hindsight I can see how this was the only option in the long run.

My advice to you is to stop encouraging your child to remain friendly with her child. It is a sad situation but the mother is obviously a shallow sort of woman who only feels 'complete' with a man at her side. If she is using facebook to fire insults, she is clearly very childish and you are better off without her. You sound very nice and decent and I wish you were my friend!!!

Kikikaakaa Mon 20-Mar-17 20:45:33

I've tried to discourage it but I think on the other side of things talking to my DD, that the other DC is emotionally manipulative in a lot of ways and is clingy to my DD. Then my DD feels bad and hasn't really been able to ditch her. DD says she's happy to be friends but it's not 'best friends' like it used to be - DD has a different best friend. I think this upsets the other child so for some reason she keeps bringing this up!

MatildaTheCat Mon 20-Mar-17 20:46:09

They've been friends for a long time and are now at secondary school so have a history together and are close. I suggest you have a chat with your dd and say that if she and the other girl are to remain friends they would do well to call a truce on the subject as it does not even concern themselves.

Whether they have the emotional maturity to do this is another matter but we all have friends with whom there are subjects which are just off the agenda and it works fine.

Sounds as if the other mum is feeding this. Is she still happily with the man who moved in?

JoJoSM2 Mon 20-Mar-17 20:47:29

Tbh, the ex friend sounds like a trainwreck. And sorry to say but her DD might be another one in the making. In your position, I'd probably try to get your daughter to try and distance herself from the comments and not even bother discussing the situation.

Kikikaakaa Mon 20-Mar-17 20:57:57

Yes she is still with the man as far as I know, which I am happy for her. I wasn't ever unhappy for her. I just wanted her to be cautious because she has a DD, and DD is emotionally vulnerable and been through a lot.

I'm also happy I am out of the situation because the DD's behaviour does concern me at times. Ex friend is not a bad person she's just not very self aware.

The row began like always with the other child badgering my child about it repeatedly until my DD got cross. (I've seen the texts). My DD replied this makes no sense as I have a partner now myself anyway so I have nothing to be jealous about and this child claimed my DD was lying and that she would text me to find out 😳

It's so bloody stupid.

FYI I don't get involved with my children's friendships generally but this is about me!

JayneAusten Mon 20-Mar-17 22:14:04

Can't you tell your DD to just simply say, 'Sorry, mum has asked me not to discuss her with you'. And repeat as necessary.

AnneElliott Mon 20-Mar-17 22:27:03

It's upsetting when this happens. DS essentially lost 2 friends after I had a fall out with the mothers.

I would tell your DD to try and distance herself from this girl and not to engage at all in the conversation if the argument is brought up.

BonnyScotland Mon 20-Mar-17 22:36:44

you say nothing... and your DD should say nothing when this is raised in school.... you will never reason with people like this... your simply feeding them and giving them more fuel.... do not engage... walk away x

Kikikaakaa Tue 21-Mar-17 09:38:20

I helped DD compose a text that was polite that just said 'let's let this drop', DD put it into her own words I just said to her that I think she needs to just say this, and avoid discussing it further.
I'm really upset that this old and frankly non event affects my DD still now

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