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Red flag or no?

(69 Posts)
Princessmollygolly Mon 20-Mar-17 18:56:21

Quick sense check please?
I have had one date with a guy on Happn (another OLD app for the uninitiated!) He messaged me, we had a couple of really good jnjtjal chats as we have a specific shared hobby/interest. He seemed very keen which I was slightly careful about as find the coming on strong a bit offputting when you haven't met them. We arranged to meet for a drink, he was pretty accommodating of my schedule (single mum so had to arrange it quite carefully with babysitting etc. I was upfront about that from our first chat btw, I've learnt it's the best way in OLD.)
So we met, he was cute, nice, articulate, we had a load to talk about. All great. Had several drinks. He was pretty upfront that he wanted to see me again. Saying he's never dated anyone with a child but he's happy to make a go of it. (He's 36 btw if that makes any difference?!) But then he started saying "There are a lot of guys online who will just want to sleep with you and then leave because you're a single mum, but I want to date you and get to know you". At the time I was a bit like hmm like it seemed that he meant well but it was an odd comment. I did jokily say that to him right after. It's stayed with me, the whole "I'm not like other guys" thing (I'm not that naive!!) and the fact that he said that.. it just doesn't sit well with me. He's sent some lovely messages and seems very keen proposing date 2 but having thought about it I'm still not comfortable with his comment about basically guys wanting to use and then leave me as though I should be grateful he "doesn't" want to do that!?
Or could he just be clumsy...
Any views?

MakeItRain Mon 20-Mar-17 19:01:49

I would feel the same as you. I would wonder why he felt the need to say it, and it would probably put me off.

Reow Mon 20-Mar-17 19:03:19


SaltySeaDog72 Mon 20-Mar-17 19:03:34

Hmm I would feel the same as you, it would sit uncomfortably.

Impossible to untangle the intention behind the comment (clumsy/keen/nervous or knobhead)

Could be over keenness? Which in herself is a red flag of sorts. It would make me feel naturally cooler towards him.

What was your gut saying?

In that situation I would cool off but go on anither date. Perhaps in 10 days time to see whether he can put his money where is mouth is?

Cheesecake53 Mon 20-Mar-17 19:03:38

Hm, I think it is maybe an orangie flag. If all else was nice, then I would go on a second date and see how that one goes?

EmeraldScorn Mon 20-Mar-17 19:04:59

I'd give him the benefit of the doubt for now as he could have meant it in a genuine way. Why not arrange a second date, see how it goes and then if you're still uneasy say "see ya", delete and block!

user1479305498 Mon 20-Mar-17 19:05:16

I wouldnt be put off by this, he probably thought it might make you feel easier with him--- however I would hold him at his word! so no sleeping with him till you see how you feel

pocketsaviour Mon 20-Mar-17 19:07:14

Honestly I think it might have just been an awkward comment.

When I think back on things I've said to guys on OLD I've thought "Jesus you utter plonker" many a time!

I'd go on a second date and just see how you feel.

Cheesecake53 Mon 20-Mar-17 19:11:49

Trust your gut instinct smile

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Mon 20-Mar-17 19:14:34

Maybe it was his cack - handed way of saying you having a child doesn't put him off dating your properly?

angelcakerocks Mon 20-Mar-17 19:23:53

I'd think either it's;
'you're lucky I'm giving you a go'
'I'm better than other men' (to put you off his competitors as it were)
'I may sleep with you and then dump you'

I'd be wary also. Sadly some of my experience dating as an lp has been that some not all guys think they're doing you a huge favour hmm
Also recent experience and wise MNers taught me the ones who say 'I'm such a great guy' usually aren't

RunRabbitRunRabbit Mon 20-Mar-17 19:24:53

He is aged 36, doing OLD and he has never met a single mother? Are you his first date?

HmmOkay Mon 20-Mar-17 19:26:43

It comes across a bit like you should be so grateful to him, willing to date you and get to know you. Even though you have the huge drawback of a child. Which he is willing to overlook because he is such a great guy.

He seems to want to cast himself in the role of hero (which he isn't) and you in the role of damaged goods (which you are not).

Doesn't sit right with me either, to be honest.

QueenCassiopeia Mon 20-Mar-17 19:31:00

^ exactly this

Princessmollygolly Mon 20-Mar-17 19:48:02

Yes lots of food for thought! It did strike me as odd at the time and I called him out on it, he seemed Anne embarrassed. But it's sort of amusing that he would think he is doing ME a favour! I'm 28, good job, own flat, wonderful dd who is thriving- he is 36, single/childless, flatsharjng and has a part time job (while pursuing his "hobby" the rest of the time). He's also about 5'7"..That's what sort of annoyed me. I hate the idea that as pp said you are regarded as damaged goods when some people out there have a lot less going for them I feel. And he sort of tends towards the flattery/buttering me up over texts. How annoying is it that men think grown women fall hook line and sinker for the most obvious BS hmm
I think I will see him again to judge it.

Nomoreworkathome Mon 20-Mar-17 19:51:40

I think you are overthinking it and being a bit oversensitive.

Huskylover1 Mon 20-Mar-17 20:00:55

Hmm. I'm not sure. I say this, because my DH came out with some corkers when we started dating. We also met on-line (POF). He was 35 with no kids. I was 38 with 2 kids (then aged 9 & 11). His comments weren't about the kids tho. The 2 biggest corkers I remember are, that he liked Asian looking women (I'm blonde with blue eyes!), and he said his Pal was getting married and that it probably wouldn't be a him "plus 1" invite, as he never sticks around long in relationships! I was confused to say the least. Turns out he was just so nervous he came out with verbal diarrhoea in the early days.

Cut to now, we will be celebrating 9 years together later this year, he has never let me down, never cheated, he is utterly devoted to me and genuinely is my soul mate. And every now and again we have a laugh about what crap he came out with.

So, I'd stick with it, but be vigilant I think.

feedingducks Mon 20-Mar-17 20:07:05

He's letting you know that most men wont want you and you are lucky hes interested despite being less desirable than women with no kids. You should be grateful he's interested...just the start of many digs with the intention of slowly robbing your confidence and self esteem. Red flag for me. How about on date 2 telling him that most successful women wouldnt look twice at a 36 yr old man. See what his reaction is then

FizzyJapes Mon 20-Mar-17 20:08:11

Yes, Huskylover's got a point. I guess they're showing their odd views and vulnerabilities! But yes, stay vigilant!

MonkeyMagicDon Mon 20-Mar-17 20:17:08

Tbh it seems like a poorly judged comment. I think he was meaning well.

It's a sad truth, online dating comes with people who just want to screw and say goodbye. He's trying to tell you (not in such a great way) that that's not what he wants to do, he wants to get to know YOU.

228agreenend Mon 20-Mar-17 20:23:22

I think possibly that in a clumsy way, he was saying that he wanted to court you (to use an old fashioned term) rather than having a one night stand.

Goforit2017 Mon 20-Mar-17 20:33:06

I would be highly insulted and I don't even think it's true. I have found guys to be very accepting of the fact I have children.

ImperialBlether Mon 20-Mar-17 20:35:46

I'd be insulted, too. He's saying that just because you have a child nobody would want you for anything more than a shag. Cheeky bastard.

HmmOkay Mon 20-Mar-17 20:46:39

Sounds to me like you'd kick him to the kerb no problem if there's any repeat of that kind of attitude.

Good for you.

Maybe he gets the vibe from you that you wouldn't put up with any nonsense and he is clumsily trying to position himself as being interested in a relationship rather than a shag.

You could always say "Gosh, flatsharing with a part time job at your age? Most women would run a mile. Thank God I'm not like that eh?" and see how he takes that.

SaltySeaDog72 Mon 20-Mar-17 20:47:51

Hmmm and buttering me up over text would turn me off further tbh..

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