Incompetence as an act of aggression

[Thebraveandtheconstant]

Just that really. I am so deeply unhappy in my relationship. My partner can't do anything right.
I work full-time. Al he has to do is get dcs to school. I lay out all clothes, do packed lunches for him. I prepare dinner in the morning before I leave ( 5.30am). I take the bus, adding two hours to my day so he can have the car ( dcs schools ten minutes walk away) I have to ring him to get him out if bed as he forgets to set an alarm. Today 13 year old in tears because he woke at 9.30, late for school. Partner was asleep with three year old, I had been talking to him at 7.30, he must have gotten back into bed. This happens every couple of weeks. Just one example of micro aggressions on a daily basis.

[Adora10]

Go it alone, you sound like a single parent anyway with him as another child.

[Luckybe40]

Deliberate incompetence, nasty nasty to deal with. IMO you need to get really REALLY tough, starting with taking the car to work. He's beyond lazy, and massively taking the piss. Someone else will come along with more advice but this is a serious form of abuse, don't take it lightky

[nonameinspiration]

Agree with pp. exh did this kind of thing. Being a lone parent was a breeze after that!
Yes it's a thing - a feature if ea a very clear one

[JoeyJoeJoeJuniorShabadu]

Get rid of him. Big child.

[BeMorePanda]

Absolutely it can be. There is a great thread documenting this somewhere in Relationships.

Get 13yo their own alarm clock - surely they are big enough to get themselves ready for school.

Re the relationship it sounds like a living nightmare. What are you getting out of it?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours is he still meeting?.

Get him out of your lives for good now; he is nothing but a user who will drag you all down with him. Take your car to work as well, do not let him have this any longer. Deliberate incompetence like he has shown you here is not just lazy but has its roots in abuse.

Womens Aid are also worth talking to and they can help also; 0808 2000 247 is the number to call.

[nonameinspiration]

Bet the op can never quite relax at work either. And every time the bloke cocks up the op is blamed somehow

[BeMorePanda]

Ah the original thread was sadly deleted, but here is the follow up one:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2703947-Incompetent-Husbands-What-Happened-Next

[Thebraveandtheconstant]

Yeah, I feel like I am waking up to it being deliberate, whereas beforehand I thought he was a bit hapless. He hasn't worked for the last five years, first due to an injury , then 'mental illness' . Inverted commas because he was hospitalised in a psych unit following an overdose. However the consultant psychologist said he did not have mental illness, but was a manipulative individual who had caused his own problems.

[BeMorePanda]

I am so deeply unhappy in my relationship.

You don't have to be in this relationship OP. You can leave the relationship. It is OK to do that - sometimes even essential.

[unfortunateevents]

This is ridiculous. It sounds as if you are doing too much for everyone. Thirteen year old is definitely old enough to get themselves up in the morning, if this has happened before I would have very little patience for them calling you in tears. They should also be sorting their own uniform and lunch to be frank! Otherwise they are in danger of growing up to be as incompetent as your partner. However, there is hope for the children - for your "partner", less so.

Start taking the car, he can walk 10 mins to school surely? Is he not working that he can not get up until 9.30 in the morning? Why not? Stop enabling him. do what needs to be done for your children, let him fend for himself - food, laundry, house - the lot.

[MsStricty]

Yes, incompetence can be an act of aggression - though this may be largely unconscious and therefore the perpetrator can't simply change their behaviour: they need therapeutic intervention.

That, however, is no excuse whatsoever, and, personally, I'd be leaving. Particularly if it's unconscious, because it's then so much harder to reach.

[Thebraveandtheconstant]

A word in defence of 13 year old, they usually use phone as alarm and has been getting up herself for many years, helping her younger siblings and generally being a fantasic help, but broke phone in Saturday so was relying on her father to get her up.

[Thebraveandtheconstant]

This is great, because I feel like I'm being unreasonable if I bring it up.

[Adora10]

OP, nobody is going to give you a medal for being a martyr; his issues are his alone; you never caused them and you owe him jack shit; I think your life would be massively better if you got rid.

[nonameinspiration]

Your 13 year old isn't at fault. Your partner is an adult with adult responsibilities. Getting two teens up on time is hardly taxing. Watching this thread closely as sadly v familiar behaviour to me.

[ChuckDaffodils]

but was a manipulative individual who had caused his own problems.

Well there you go then.

What are your options house wise?

[Thebraveandtheconstant]

What nonameinspiration has said to me what really struck a chord, I can never relax at work and my job is high stress, high responsibility, literally life and death

[Babymamamama]

You don't need any of this. And you don't deserve it.

[AnyFucker]

Life is too short to tolerate this head fuck

Get rid. You will find it easier going solo. At least you will know where you are up to.

[Ecclesiastes]

my job is high stress, high responsibility, literally life and death

Well in that case, OP, you owe it not only to yourself but to all the individuals whose lives are in your hands to LTB.

[Moanyoldcow]

If you are 'deeply unhappy' then you need to end it. You do everything anyway. He's a nasty piece of work and brings nothing to the relationship. You'd be better off without him.

[Moanyoldcow]

I'm assuming a job so stressful comes with commensurate salary - can you afford a nanny or similar? Someone to do the school run and pick up? If so this is a no brainier.

[Thebraveandtheconstant]

I know I should leave. Trouble is neither if us have any family, we have been together since we were kids. We are each others only family. I have wanted to leave for years. I have clawed my way thru education to masters level and a well paid but high stress career with five small children. He act like he supported me to do this but really he tried to sabotage me the whole way thru. Trying to keep all the plates spinning has landed me in hospital on two occasions.

[Sprink]

Are you getting anything from the relationship?

Was it strong enough in the past or happy enough that you can see any way back to it?

My brother's wife exhibited many of the same traits you've described (without the overdose, etc) and he almost left, but they were able to find a way back because he knew she hadn't always been that way and she eventually admitted many, many faults/behaviours (which she'd previously denied being a problem), and worked hard to change her ways.

It was very difficult for them but they're strong now.

From your two posts I've heard nothing good about him. Is there?