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I have decided 'I am going to be happy alone'! can you help me with that?

(17 Posts)
sparkle00 Mon 20-Mar-17 13:27:04

Not that you need to be in a relationship to be 'happy'...
I have struggled being a single parent for a very long time but struggling is what I am used to. When I say struggle, I mean with time and finding a balance, physically, emotionally and finanacially. Always try my best to stay positive. I have always been too busy to date but always thought I would some day.
Had a bit of an emotional breakdown recently (posted on here and had some wonderful support. It really really helped as it gets a bit lonely) so decided to try OD.
2 weeks later I have decided it's not for me and I'm quite disappointed.
I am looking for inspiration from all of you lovely single mums.
What do you all do for fun? Adult time?
What do you do in the evening when the dc's have gone to bed?
Mostly weekends?

MissFitton Mon 20-Mar-17 13:32:55

For me (LP for 8 years) I found that if you get any time to yourself (ie dcs with their father) to find something you like to do which they cant participate in. For me it was theatre trips and and unsuitable cinema! (I still see my fair share of Pixar)
In the evenings I read, potter on the internet or talk to friends online. Occasionally I'll do a free online course to keep my brain in gear.
I am happy on my own about 97% of the time. The I would be very reluctant to give up the freedom it brings.

BitchQueen90 Mon 20-Mar-17 14:30:42

I don't do loads in the evening but I enjoy relaxing, watching boxsets, eating chocolate, drinking wine, stretching out in my superking bed, reading and surfing the net. I enjoy my own company though and I'm an only child so I'm used to it.

When DS is at his dad's I try and make plans with friends so I'm not sitting home like I do every other day. I have friends who live in London so I go and visit them, go out for cocktails. I also have a FWB (which is NOT for everyone but I don't tend to get emotionally attached to men) so I will see him as well. Plan weekends away with friends when I can.

I love being single and I suit it better than being in a relationship. Everything done on my terms, my own way and no having to pander to the emotional needs of anyone other than my DS.

sparkle00 Mon 20-Mar-17 14:43:28

Thankyou both smile
I actually envy people who have that balance. I long for the feeling of being content.
I am currently doing my nurse training so maybe when I'm earning and can remortgage in my own name (ex is still on the mortgage and doesn't pay a dime. Frustrating!)
My dc's don't go to their dad's often ( 2 Sundays in a month) so over night dating will never happen for me. I sometimes miss that closeness of falling asleep next to someone. Wait it's been 7 years haha! I can hardly remember. I'm usually falling asleep next to my youngest and being woken with a few slaps in the head and kicks in the back. Ohhh I long for my bed back! My free time is the evenings but find it difficult to settle. Not sure why.
My mum will sit if I asked her to but have absolutely nobody to go out with anyway. I guess that's why I was wondering what all of you mums got up to whilst at home.
I think I drink far too much wine. Trying to cut back. I was wanting it every night. It was like my only company. Trying to find alternatives smile

BitchQueen90 Mon 20-Mar-17 14:50:27

Do you have any hobbies or something you would like to take up?

Also I think having a job you enjoy makes a lot of difference so it's good that you are training for something. I love my job and I think it contributes to my happiness, I never wake up dreading to go to work.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Mon 20-Mar-17 15:01:30

Make a quilt. Seriously, it is a creative pursuit, producing something you can use is empowering, it is fun, there are enough steps to keep it interesting to focus on and you can choose how complex or simple you want to make it, and you can put it down and pick it up again without a lot of fuss of warming up or getting your wheels moving again so to speak. Sorry for my epic run on sentence!blush

jeaux90 Mon 20-Mar-17 16:14:04

Lone parent for 7 years now.

I love my time to myself. I love to swim whenever I can. Watch movies, read, take ages having a bath or hot shower. Bit of yoga.

I think when you finish your qualification and start work you might start socialising a bit more perhaps. I have found the odd night out with friends a great way to let my hair down.

Don't feel guilty about taking time for yourself, the pressure of being a single parent is quite enormous at times right? So be kind to yourself. Xxx

Sunflower6 Mon 20-Mar-17 17:07:53

Sparkle, I hope you don't mind me asking what was the issue with OLD? The thought of it terrifies me as I'm quite shy but I'm fed up of being alone as well.

Geist Mon 20-Mar-17 17:25:59

I was a single parent for 7 years before meeting dp online - not OLD smile

I found a lot of my friends drifted away as I simply didn't have the time alone anymore so I started to suit myself. I'm an introvert which helps. I studied at college, went to meetup groups, attended marches and events that interested me, travelled to city breaks on my own, did lots of reading and boxsets and foreign films, started running and went to the gym when I could, did yoga and meditation, learnt how to crochet - probably more.

Honestly I'm glad I had all that time alone. I always knew I was pretty independent but it gave me a chance to learn more about myself and what my own interests were as I had been with ex a long time from 20yo. With that and then parenthood I felt like I had lost a bit of myself.

Ps I also went teetotal, drinking became far too much of a habit at the start to deal with a lot of bad feelings I had and boredom once the dc went to bed smile

sparkle00 Mon 20-Mar-17 17:30:23

I was actually looking around a shop yesterday at arts and crafts. Its something that I was actually thinking about.
Thankyou all.
Sunflower - I just felt that I wouldn't be able to make enough time. I was speaking to a few guys. Some that seemed like potential dates. I feel that my time is precious and if and when I get a sitter I'd like to think it was to enable me to meet someone interesting. I found it difficult via text. Even when I did feel like maybe a coffee would be nice. They lost interest when I said I couldn't meet up until such and such (a weeks time). They were too pushy. Just felt uncomfortable.

sparkle00 Mon 20-Mar-17 17:44:12

Geist - Wow you were very busy. That's really good. I sometimes feel like I don't have time to find me. Its always so busy. I am hoping to change this.
I would love to be brave enough to visit different places. Again it's a time thing.
I am intrigued how you gave up alcohol. I tried and felt lost. Somewhat depressed actually. I'm trying not to drink through the week. How did it make you feel, giving up? Trying to exercise more. I used to run. I have recently joined a gym.

Geist Mon 20-Mar-17 18:16:31

It only sounds a lot written down, wasn't all at once and I'm very lucky to have really supportive parents who happily take dc for a hour so I can hit a gym class. It is really difficult to find time, I only really officially get one night every two weeks to myself although once in a while I get the odd weekend.

Drink wise, it was hard at the start if I'm truthful but warning bells were beginning to ring I was relying on a few glasses too often. I took up running at that stage so instead of settling down to wine I went for a run, by the time I got back I didn't feel like it anymore. The nights once the dc went to bed did drag initially until I started filling my time more. Soon after I noticed how much better I slept and emotionally felt more even. I had been struggling with a lot of resentment and sadness after our break up and it gave me headspace to work through it rather than burying my feelings.

sparkle00 Mon 20-Mar-17 19:29:57

Thankyou for sharing Geist. Weekends I find lonely so it's something to look forward to. Bubble bath, popcorn, a movie and wine. I think firstly I will cut down and try to add more things to do. I sometimes think I drink the wine to bury feelings of being lonely.
Just been to my first exercise class whilst my dc's went swimming. I feel good about that.

pocketsaviour Mon 20-Mar-17 21:27:58

How old are your DCs?

I only have the one but I cultivated things that we could do together, at every life stage. You'd be amazed how computer games can be a bonding experience!

I was the NRP but took every chance I could to have DC at every time possible.

It wasn't til DS was 13 and seemingly settled into a routine with his dad and dad's new partner that I considered dating on anything but a casual basis.

Not that there's anything wrong with casual dating as long as you have your parameters set out from the start!

DS is now an adult and I am even happier with being on my own than I was in the aftermath of the split.

I am very work-driven so like to spend my "down time" doing stuff like taking on freelance assignments.

Geist Mon 20-Mar-17 21:31:49

Nothing wrong with having wine as a treat at the weekend. I'm just an all or nothing sort of person and weekends can be lonely, even for someone who enjoys their own company. I would always try to get out and meet a friend for coffee during the day with the kids or spend the night online for some sort of company.

Well done for going to the exercise class, endorphin kick always helps the mood I find grin

Lostin3dspace Mon 20-Mar-17 23:01:25

I also tried OLD but realised it wasn't going to make me happy. For me I really struggle to be alone in the house, can actually feel depression setting in if I do. I actually get more done domestically if I fill my time outside of it, as in, I seem to need deadlines, even if they're my own made up ones. So I fill my time by joining an organisation which requires a lot of volunteering in the community, or I do something like book a 10k race and then train towards it. If you go to say Parkrun, you'll meet people that way. You'll get 'gym friends' or 'exercise class friends' or 'service club friends'

HeddaGarbled Mon 20-Mar-17 23:30:28

I think that it is friendships which make all the difference. Just one friend who you can really talk to and have a laugh with and call on in an emergency.

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