Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

did he visit a brothel?

(16 Posts)
Kitkat19 Mon 20-Mar-17 13:02:55

I'm probably overthinking this but I just don't know.

My OH went on a stag do last month to an eastern eurpean country. I said before he went he could go to a strip club if everyone went but no touching, being touched, private dances.

He came home and when I asked if he went he said no, some of the boys went but it was £50 for a dance, I tried to keep it lighthearted and said why do you care how much for a dance when you weren't getting one and he laught and said I didn't mean it like that, the beer was expensive.

Later I was quizzing him and he told me 4 of the boys went to a brothel- 3 have girlfriends and one has a young child. I can't stop thinking about his partner- I don't know her but will be meeting her at the wedding. My oh told me he didn't go and said 'asif I'd do that' and when I said it was pathetic they went he said ' maybe she does things their misses won't do'.

I asked him if he'd ever done that and he said he would have when he was in prague (at 18, long before us) as the girls were 'model material', but that he didn't have enough money. He said that at this current stag do one of the boys said 'i'll pay for you if I can watch' (as a joke but makes me think my oh's reason for not going was that he couldn't afford it).

Now I can't get out of my head did he do it? The other girl obviously has no idea. When I said again last night (I made it a joke about what happened on the stag do) he said nothing happened on the stag do, in a way which made alarm bells ring for me.

Also one of the boys (the one with the child) was calling him through messenger at the weekend and I had a sneaky look (sorry) when he was in the shower and every conversation with that boy has been delected.

What do you think? One side says he's been too honest, told me about the brothel etc, but another part of me thinks that people find it hard to lie and tell half truths, is that what he's doing?

I hate the fact he could be thinking about someone else, or comparing me to someone who is 'model material' or that he didn't do it but only because it was too expensive.

HarmlessChap Mon 20-Mar-17 13:36:24

Chances are that you'll never definitive proof one way or the other.

You just need to decide whether you trust him or not?

TheNaze73 Mon 20-Mar-17 13:38:26

I think it would be incredibly naive, to go through life thinking men won't ever think about other women however, overstepping the boundary & acting on it, is a different matter. You can only go on gut & trust here, you'll never know for sure

scottishdiem Mon 20-Mar-17 13:42:53

If you keep pushing and pushing you will then obsess over every variance in detail. If you keep snooping you'll find something that doesn't make sense (to you) or is slightly at odds to what you were told and then what would you do? He wasn't meticulously recording the entire trip so some details will vary in the telling. If you keep interrogating (obviously or via the jokes) and then you'll get upset if it doesnt tally with something else exactly.

You have to either leave it and trust him or decide that you dont trust him and deal with that instead.

NC543212345 Mon 20-Mar-17 13:45:35

I doubt you'll ever get the truth out of him now op, so you need to decide whether you can live with that or if it will tear you apart.

If you decide you can live with it I think you would need to be clearer in the future. Your either ok with strip clubs or you're not. You can look but not touch is obviously too confusing for some men.

2014newme Mon 20-Mar-17 13:50:20

Move on. Making jokes designed to elicit more info, snooping etc will drive you mad. He said he didn't do anything so drop it.

Cloudyapples Mon 20-Mar-17 13:50:28

If he went then why tell you about his friends going? He's putting them at risk of their partners finding out from you, and then if angry they'd land him in it too? So surely if he had been then he'd just keep quiet for all of them? He's been honest with you I think

PovertyJetset Mon 20-Mar-17 13:52:16

Deleted messages make me worried but you're unlikely to ever know. And if you did know, then what?

TheElephantofSurprise Mon 20-Mar-17 13:59:57

Are you at risk of infection from him?
You laid down rules for his behaviour on a stag do - that was naïve. He was away with his mates, living to their standards, not yours.
I wouldn't trust him but I don't know him.

category12 Mon 20-Mar-17 14:04:02

Do you trust him to resist the peer pressure of the other guys using a brothel? I would have doubts.

And doesn't the company he keeps say something about him?

noego Mon 20-Mar-17 14:04:05

Hen do's and stag do's motto is.........what happens in ** stays in ** and there is a reason why!!!!

whattodowiththepoo Mon 20-Mar-17 14:05:00

No one here knows, your obsessing seems unhealthy though.

Adora10 Mon 20-Mar-17 14:10:17

Sorry but I also think it was the money that stopped him; even the way he talks about it is pretty horrible; it's buying sex, I'd not really want a relationship with a man that did or thought this was ok.

These are his friends so I'd assume he's like minded; sounds pretty rank imo.

StrangeAndUnusual Mon 20-Mar-17 14:16:04

Tbh, whether he went or not, he doesn't sound like a great catch. The way he talks about his Prague trip would definitely finish it for me - his way of thinking is too unintelligent and unpleasant.

Kitkat19 Mon 20-Mar-17 14:30:55

to be fair he was 18 when he was in prague, he didn't say he still feels the same, I've been with him 7 years and known him for a lot longer and I know that generally he is a lovely person. I've had quite a horrible thing happen to me lately (bereavement) so I'm probably transferring feelings a bit. Not all of the boys on the stag do went and it wasn't his close friends, just sort of acquaintances. There's just something nagging in my head but maybe it's just insecurity on my part.
9I don't think that saying he can go to a strip club but not touch or pay anything for a private dance is unreasonable, everyone has their line and that's mine)

scoobydoo1971 Mon 20-Mar-17 14:42:46

My brother went on a stag weekend to Amsterdam years ago as his friend was getting married. The groom did go off with a girl from one of those windows and had unprotected sex with her for a 'tip'. None of the rest of the party wanted to buy a girl because there is was a perception amongst them that it was a bit of a sad thing to do (i.e. having to pay for sex). Anyway groom went home, got married and wife is none the wiser as far as I know...but it makes you think about infections, and the propensity of men who think the sex industry is acceptable to cheat on their wives and partners. This guy certainly has had a few affairs since he got married. Having met the guy, I would have never guessed he would do such a thing as he presents like the model of integrity.

My point is that you just don't know what went on. Whether you trust him or not is up to you, but have you thought of having an STD check anyway just to be on the safe-side. Broken relationships is one thing...broken bodies quite another.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now