Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Who's right?(18 Posts)
This is long and complicated about both of our friends who have seperated and we are in the middle.
They have a daughter and they have separated. He was working away and she couldn't deal with it. He thought the relationship was fine. She wanted to move house, - rented - he let her do it. Gave her the money to buy new things for the house, pay the admin fees and put the bond down while he was working away. They moved into the new house and after 6 weeks she kicked him out.
He moved into a friends spare room and was always hoping to get back with her. She asked him for more help financially. He got her a new mobile phone on contract, set up broadband for her and spent another £3000 on finance for furniture for the house under the understanding she would pay it back.
For the first 3 months she did pay but then she stopped. He was paying regular maintenance plus extra if she needed. She then said she couldn't afford the payments at all anymore and she wasn't paying anything back. Unfortunately his business collapsed. He was self employed. He struggled so much with money.
He's now back on his feet just about and still paying off the finance. He can cancel the broadband next month and the phone bill still has another year left.
He feels he should stop paying maintenance for all the stuff he's paid for her. She's said she will stop him seeing his daughter if she does.
She's been my best friend since secondary school but I can't help but feel she's taken him for a complete and utter mug. He's a lovely chap and has found someone new who I've met and she seems lovely. His ex - my friend - isn't exactly happy that he's moved on relationship wise so I feel this is a big factor in all of this.
My partner is his best friend and the 4 of us we're so close when they were together. We don't want to lose either of them as friends.
But basically who's in the right? We both feel for the man as she has put him in debt and used him. However we also feel this shouldn't be a reason to stop providing for his daughter and he shouldn't of been such a mug in the first place - though he did want her back at the time so that's why he did everything she asked.
There are separate issues here.
1. His ex-wife doesn't sound especially nice and has been taking him for a ride, but he was under no obligation to pay out an extra £3,000 and did that of his own volition.
2. Child maintenance is separate and should not be conflated with money he paid for furniture.
3. The child should not be used as a bargaining chip by ex-wife which is despicable.
Personally I'd tell my 'friend' that I though she was unpleasant and unrealistic and wouldn't want to be her friend - she's shown a particularly unpleasant side of her personality.
I'd advise the exH to see legal arrangements for access to his DC and to pay the agreed maintenance without question.
It's s bit of a mess but I think it can be sorted out - no abuse, homelessness etc.
She's not really a bad person, she's been my best friend for years. I think it's a case of she didn't want him anymore but she didn't want anyone else to have him either.
Then he's found someone else and she hasn't dealt with it too well and this is her way of dealing with it. Although she will not admit to this
She's like my sister and he's like my husbands brother so we do feel like we are in the middle and we can see both points. We don't want to lose either of our friends but they are making it hard for us
He has shown my partner his bank account of what he pays out for her and my hubby was shocked. It's a lot of money. I'm so angry at her for this as he's not a bad guy at all. The maintence he pays is leaving him without any money at all.
My idea is too just write them both the same message saying to stop trying to get us to take sides and we care for them both.
Newbie Don't actually know how you can say "she's not really a bad person" based on what you told us in your OP. And you've just said "I'm so angry at her for all this as he's not a bad guy at all".
I would have to speak to your friend and say that it's not acceptable. She didn't want him, she's bleeding him dry and making threats. Also he has rights to see his child and could take your friend to court.
I'm saying she's not a bad person as we've been best friends for over 20 years. I've not seen this side of her before :-( sorry, I should read what I say before I post
It's really none of your business and you should tell both of them to stop telling you all about their finances. They both need legal advice and to shut up!
Tbh from what you have written she really isn't a very nice person at all!
I wouldn't want somebody like that in my life. What happens if you have a silly falling out and she decides to seek vengeance on you?
I would tell the ex that he needs a good solicitor and to take her to court for maintenance and to try and claw some of the money back for the furniture etc.
If you are friends with him you really should advise him as a friend to get legal advice!
Oh I know it's none of our business, we've just been dragged into it and from your comments I can see you are all right. We just needed an outsiders perspective on things. Will tell the hubby to advise legal advice and to stop getting us involved.
I will tell her to accept that he's moved on and I think I now feel I have the guts to say 'you've been a bit of a cow to him' and distance our friendship abit. She's changed so much since they split. She was even messaging guys on tinder behind his back, just found this out last night. Thanks for the replies, my brain feels abit clearer now
I would say he is wrong to think about withholding maintenance, its for the child and if he withholds it he is effectively taking it from the child.
She should also not threaten to withhold access to the child
Both are wrong and have probably said and done hurtful things - stay out of it or you'll get burnt.
He (well both really) need to get advice on the child maintenance (assuming they werent married?) and access.
He needs to be clear about what he should be paying as well as having clear rights to access. She is using the child as blackmail and that alone should cause you to reassess your knowledge of her.
If she is bad with money/exploiting him then perhaps he can buy things like clothes and school items as opposed to giving her money until a court agreement is reached.
She is exploiting him.
He should cancel the contracts now and just pay any fee owed (for early termination). She's not a nice person at all, she's milked him for all she can.
He should not stop the maintenance under any circumstance. And unless he has any evidence (text messages, emails) stating that she will pay him back for what he paid out, he needs to draw a line under it and forget about it. Otherwise there's Small Claims.
Yes I agree. From what the hubby says, he doesn't want to stop maintence but he literally cannot afford to pay her bills and maintence. It comes to over £700 a month which is half his wage. It's a shame as they have been such good friends to us, it's sad to see them end up like this. Our children hardly see their little girl now, we had holidays together, spent Christmas Day together and everything. Just so sad to see them both like this
So he needs to cancel the bills then. She should be paying those herself.
As far as I know he has tried to cancel the broadband and the phone but he doesn't have the money to pay the exit fees....I'm not sure. I think the phone bill is too much. She bloody lost the phone as well, she doesn't even use it. The more I'm writing this the more I am realising that she is actually pretty evil :-( I'll pass on all this advice to him though. Or to my hubby anyway
If he has the mobile contract in his name, and he has past the contract exit date on his contract he can transfer it to himself (iyswim) and save a bit of money then. Same with the broadband, if its in his name he can transfer it to a new address maybe (depends on supplier)?
If they are in her name but his account he can stop the direct debits and it will be her that they chase for payment.
He needs to record every threat about child access and state that he is only paying child maintenance, not lifestyle products for his ex.
He's wrong for contemplating withholding maintenance because she's fucked him over on a separate financial matter.
She's wrong for fucking him over on that other financial matter and for using the withdrawal of access as a threat.
He should pay the agreed maintenance and seek legal recourse in respect of the 3k she's scammed him for.
He should sort out his access through the courts if she's going to be difficult and use the kids as a threat. Ditto the maintenance so everyone knows where they stand.
He should cancel the phone and broadband service immediately even if it means he pays the flat rate for the remaining months. Would I fuck be letting her get the benefit of those services when she's screwed him out of cash and taken him for a ride. Better to pay for it and nobody use it, plus if she's this vindictive she might rack up some nice data charges as a final treat to herself in the last month that he's paying for.
Maintenance should not be anything like "half his wage" - he needs to phone the CMS and ask them to work out what he should be paying her. He can explain to them what the extras have been and, if they agree, they'll take it into account.
It will not look good for her if she prevents their child from seeing her Dad. He may have to go to court to get access sorted out properly and that can be expensive, although he can represent himself to keep some of the cost down.
Join the discussion
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.