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To those of you whose partners/hubbys work nights..

(17 Posts)
missmove38 Mon 20-Mar-17 11:25:43

How do you make it work?
I have a partner who works nights. We don't live together but do see each other during the week some nights after I've finished, I drop him to work, and spend the weekends together.
He used to come round in the mornings but I was waking really early to let him in so stopped that as I work long days as it is and was finding I was tired.
Saturday nights he stays up late and sleeps in Sunday's as late as he can (so I can't do much for fear of waking him) and then we do bits.
This weekend he's got stroppy with me (not the first time) that he hasn't slept well and walked out abruptly to sleep at home..
If I did the things I needed to do I'm not sure he would ever get any sleep so wondered how other people work round it? His issue is that I don't seem to care..it's not that at all, I'm unsure of what I can do?
Thanks

missmove38 Tue 21-Mar-17 21:47:23

Is there not anyone on here who has this situation?!

MrsA2015 Tue 21-Mar-17 21:51:02

My dp works 12 night shifts a month, we have a 15mth DD so everything is crazy at the minute. You'll pull through. Sorry can't be much help !

3perfectweemen Tue 21-Mar-17 21:58:43

My Dh works five nights a week. Sometimes he only gets two hours sleep if I'm working and child minder can't come. It's miserable. I work most weekends so time together is few and far between.

ArgyMargy Tue 21-Mar-17 21:59:29

Sounds like hard work. Why bother?

user1488721675 Tue 21-Mar-17 22:18:40

It just works because it has to, we just get on with it. He's worked nights for 10+ years, I work office hours, family time & couple time is far and few between but we make the most of it when we get it, we have 3 young children, keeping them quiet is nigh on impossible on weekends when he sleeps, sometime we go out sometimes we don't, he sticks in a pair of earplugs if he's struggling.

OdinsLoveChild Tue 21-Mar-17 22:28:40

DH has worked shifts for 26 years. I can't spend my life tip toeing around so I just hoover, watch tv, chat to family, play with kids etc the same as anyone else. He has earplugs if the noise is too much but he learned very quickly to sleep through crying babies else he wouldn't have got any sleep.

Why are you getting up to let him in? Is it a fairly new relationship? I'd give him a key and tell him you want coffee and toast bringing up before he goes to bed.

When we first got together we took it in turns to have less sleep. One day I got up an hour early the next day he went to bed an hour later. You need to work out if less sleep is worth it with your partner.

missmove38 Wed 22-Mar-17 01:26:57

Thanks for the replies.
Argy because I love him & want a relationship with him..unfortunately this weekend he got really wound up again that he'd had little sleep & walked out. I have to say reading the replies where clearly some of you have busy lives/children etc going on that he's being unreasonable in ways as my place is silent. I'd also like to just say that I have no problem with it other than worrying he will get woken..I don't have much sleep as it is and can adapt either way. Unfortunately he seems to get pretty wound up if his routine isn't spot on.

Seren85 Wed 22-Mar-17 01:42:10

DH works a variety of shifts including waking nights and, in his previous job, sleep shifts. It works because it has to. I find the 'ships that pass' stuff a bit hard and it is annoying sometimes at weekends when he needs to sleep all day before or after a night shift so we don't get much time together. I'm used to it though, I don't know any different. It does mean he is often at home in the afternoon so there is food ready when I come in and he does his half of the house stuff on random week days when he's off and I'm at work. I totally do hoover downstairs at weekends if he is sleeping though. He is knackered, a herd of angry buffalo wouldn't wake him. If it did then he'd be getting ear plugs because I work M-F, 9-5 and need to do my half of the house stuff at the weekend wherever possible. Plus I get at least one evening most weeks to watch whatever I want on TV. I joke I couldn't manage him being home every night a the time and would be sending him to the pub!

Imissmy0ldusername Wed 22-Mar-17 01:45:51

I think that working nights & getting wound up if your routine isn't spot on is a bit of a bad thing, OP. It sounds like your DP is used to doing his thing his own way, which is totally understandable with night shifts. But if he's totally inflexible with the way things should be as regards sleeping patterns, then you're going to struggle.

Taking you out of the equation for a bit... what would he do if a new set of neighbours moved in who had DC that wanted to play in the garden during the day, thus disturbing his sleep? Or what if some loud building maintenance was going on?

DH used to work nights, and it nearly crippled him. We sleep in separate rooms as he's still doing either earlies (up before 5) or lates (home by 11). We give each other space, and when we do actually get a day together, it is celebrated.

Can I hazard a guess that this is a newish relationship, OP? If so, I'd recommend only seeing him when he's had his full quota of sleep. I appreciate that you may see him less, but at least the version of him that you are seeing will be the nice well rested one! You can tackle his discomfort at sleeping in the wrong house with all the wrong noises later on down the track.

Just out of interest, how long has he had these work patterns? I wonder if they are quite new, so he may be scrabbling to establish a decent sleep routine.

Imissmy0ldusername Wed 22-Mar-17 01:53:26

Haha! Seren85 - I'm on the same page as you! The magic hoovering & laundry fairy strikes when DH is at the early stages of whichever shift pattern he's on - the later stages he's mostly asleep when he's at home. And I totally get the TV remote to myself thing - it's great!

OP - there are some great upsides to having a DP who works shifts - it gives you a lot of freedom to do your own thing. One of the traps I fell into with DH and his shifts was just sitting at home waiting for him. This did neither of us any favours. I was turning into some sort of crazy lady obsessing about how he'd stacked the dishwasher. So I got a hobby that took me out of the flat & gave me something to talk to him about. He's got his hobbies, and I have mine.

Seren85 Wed 22-Mar-17 02:29:20

Haha yes, by day 5 or 6 he's just asleep. But it is great during the first bit of his (utterly random) working week. I also find that DH night shifts have encouraged me to get out by myself more rather than just sitting in waiting for him e.g. I'll go running or to the gym or lunch with a friend on a Saturday morning if he's asleep rather than just sit downstairs passing time until he's up. And watching Nashville in peace is not to be sniffed at grin

missmove38 Thu 23-Mar-17 08:03:34

Thanks for the replies. I'm actually a childminder which he hasn't had the pleasure to have experienced yet?! I worry that it's so quiet and he hasn't got a clue how noisy the house can get. Those of you with children surely don't go out all day every day!

dementedma Thu 23-Mar-17 08:05:55

Dh sleeps with ear plugs in. It works brilliantly because it means that for 50% of the time I get the bed to myself and peace in the evenings! I recommend it.

missmove38 Thu 23-Mar-17 08:37:37

Demented yes he wears them too but to
no avail

toomuchtimereadingthreads2016 Thu 23-Mar-17 09:41:21

DH has been working nights for over 3 years now. And over weekends, his days off change on a weekly basis but are almost always (99% of the time) on weekdays. I work 9-6 with a half hour commute. He has a 40 minute commute. We have a 2yo DD and I'm pregnant.

How does it work? Tag teaming.

I have DD at the weekend obvs. DH wakes up at about 2pm, when DD is waking up from her nap. We have lunch together and go for a walk or something together. He leaves for work at around 6pm.

In the week, CM collects DD from nursery 3 days a week until I get home. The other two days she is with DH. So we get two evenings together a week, and two afternoons a week.

We miss eachother, we get shit done without whinging at eachother. I accept he is knackered and pick up most of the slack. He hates his working hours but the money is... fab. So he puts up with that for us, and I put up with his absence and don't break his balls over being tired etc.

The first year was the hardest. Lots of arguing and everyone feeling they had the worst deal. Now, its only when he has a weekend off, or we have holidays etc that it feels real how much time we are apart and how its not normal for most families. But it works for us, and it isn't permanent. If I get pissed off at the situation I look at our house, savings and cars and STFU basically haha

HermioneJeanGranger Thu 23-Mar-17 10:17:40

My ex worked nights for a while and it sucked, but you just have to work around it. We lived in a small flat where you couldn't do anything without the noise travelling. When he had time off, his system was out of whack and he needed to sleep all day and stay awake all night in order to maintain some semblence of normality.

It's frustrating and it can feel as though you're missing out on a lot of time together. It's upto you whether it's worth it, though. Walking off in a huff is a bit of a red flag - adults who are tired need to learn to deal with that - either by not making plans in the first place, or by explaining and apologising! Not huffing off like a toddler who's missed a nap.

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