Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Do I stay or give up?

(119 Posts)
Leavemealonepls Mon 20-Mar-17 05:22:27

I'm in my late forties, divorced, one dd in her teens.

Ive been seeing someone for two years now. He's significantly younger than me but we get on well.

However when we talk about our future I'm not sure I can envisage spending the rest of my life with him. He wants to know that I will and I've been saying I do because I love him, but the truth is it's not easy.

It's very difficult to explain. He's very quiet, doesn't really show enthusiasm or passion. He doesn't like to go out so we spend all our evenings in watching TV.

I don't mind mostly, I don't really like pubs or clubs. I do like to go shopping or out for a meal and on days out though. I feel sad we can't do that together.

However I also feel there's something missing. I want someone to look after me .. he says he does, but I guess I mean in a different way .. hard to explain really. I miss passion, wild kissing, I miss going on outings or on holiday. I can do this alone or with dd, but then he feels sad that I'm doing things without him.

When he's here I often look forward to time alone, but the few times we've split up (I've finished with him a few times over trival things, although they didn't seem it at the time) I feel lonely and miss him and we make up again.

Sorry, this all sounds clumsy .. it's difficult to explain. I don't know what to do.

I've tried to explain but then he feels very hurt and says he can't change.

He is a really lovely gentle man and I will never find someone so lovely again. He loves me very much. I love him too, but I'm not sure it's enough.

I don't really know what I'm asking for, just advice I guess. I don't want to hurt him and I do love him.

SharkSkinThing Mon 20-Mar-17 05:44:31

I think you've answered your own question at the beginning.

It sounds a bit more of a comfortable arrangement rather than the more passionate relationship you are wanting? And you are still young, so hardly slippers time! Do you feel it's a safe option and a bit nervous about changing things? I only ask because I feel the same about change sometimes!

Why doesn't he want to do these things?

Cricrichan Mon 20-Mar-17 06:45:43

I think that if after only two years you feel that you look forward to time alone, then there is no relationship. I'm guessing that you miss him when you split up because you would like someone, but unfortunately he isn't it.

You've got time now to go out and travel and do the things you enjoy. Don't get shackled to someone who just sits in front of the TV all the time.

SaltySeaDog72 Mon 20-Mar-17 06:48:05

'When he's here I often look forward to time alone'

I think that says it all..

From what you say you are settling and afraid you'll not meet anyone better. You also want someone to 'look after you' but actually I think that might be what's keeping you in this relationship. I'm sure you can look s after yourself.

I think you can find someone better suited to you...

Shayelle Mon 20-Mar-17 06:51:29

He sounds totally boring. Sounds like you'd have more fun on your iwn. Theres the answer....

pallasathena Mon 20-Mar-17 07:00:30

Yes, you're 'settling', rather than romancing and half accepting that this is your lot in life whilst the other half of you rightly rebels against it. Its a difficult one because you say you do love him, he is sweet and gentle and he does love you very much.
But there's no spark.
You have to weigh up whether or not 'settling', is sustainable long term. I would suggest that it is isn't and will only result in bitterness, regret and unhappiness as the years go by.
You need to shift the dynamic, change the set up, stop the sitting in watching tv each night. Tell him its become a deal breaker. Tell him he can't see you every night and begin to wean yourself and him off this deadly routine you seem to be in.
Baby steps OP. Baby steps.

TheNaze73 Mon 20-Mar-17 07:29:44

He sounds incredibly dull. I'd be out of there

Leavemealonepls Mon 20-Mar-17 09:03:57

I should have said, the reason he doesn't like going out is chronic anxiety.

There is no spark, that's true, sadly. I've been telling myself that love is enough, I'm not in my twenties, don't need to be out clubbing ..

But it's more the thought of never going on holiday together, possibly never having a day out together, that I'm finding more difficult. Things may get better in the future, obviously, and that's what I've been hanging on for, along with the fact that I love him.

I don't need someone to look after me, no, but it would be nice sometimes.

Whenever I make other plans that don't involve him he becomes upset .. partly because he wishes he could do these things with me.

I don't want to date, don't think I do need a man, but seem unable to stick to my word when I finish with him.

SaltySeaDog72 Mon 20-Mar-17 09:21:39

It's perfectly normal to want a relationship where you share experiences together. You don't have a long shared history or children binding you together. This isn't the relationship you want and you're only two years in. Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this?

I would suggest you get some counselling to help you explore why you can't split from him. Because that actually seems to be the main problem?

debbs77 Mon 20-Mar-17 09:42:39

Goodness, you sound like me in my post a few weeks ago.

I ended it. Life should be exciting! I'm quite limited with dating as I have a lot of children and they're all young, and he was happy to just come to mine to watch a film. But I suggested day time dates or going out and it never happened. It was all a bit 'meh'. So I ended it as I want to find the great love of my life!!!!

Leavemealonepls Mon 20-Mar-17 09:49:23

Yes, you're right. I'm just not sure I can do it. He'll be so hurt. He says I'm the love of his life, he doesn't want anyone else if he can't have me and that I'd break his heart. I can't bear to do that. sad

debbs77 Mon 20-Mar-17 10:42:30

I copped out and did it by text! It had only been 6 months though. He then went on to say he loved me and wanted to be with me and the kids forever.

He was back on online dating within two days.

I don't feel guilty now!

whitehandledkitchenknife Mon 20-Mar-17 10:54:50

Does he initiate anything Leave? Do you find yourself having to explain things that you, your DD, others that you know, just 'get'. Do you talk, or are you simply exchanging information? Does he need to take time to think things through and even then doesn't necessarily come back with a response? Are you pre-empting the gaps in his ability to manage - whether it be organising the time he comes around or the food you eat, or the programmes you watch? Do you feel like he is looking for someone who will take care of him, but don't feel he reciprocates?
Is it all feeling a little lop-sided?
Lots of questions - sorry.

Stormtreader Mon 20-Mar-17 11:00:23

So, how does he propose that he tries to get help for his anxiety?

At the moment it seems to be "cant do that, get sad when you do it without me, you'll break my heart if we split up". So his plan is what, that you stay in the house watching tv together for the rest of your lives?

Leavemealonepls Mon 20-Mar-17 11:17:02

whitehandled he doesn't initiate much really, no. No, I don't have to explain much, and we do talk, although not always.

Yes to all the rest sad

ImperialBlether Mon 20-Mar-17 11:20:31

How on earth did you meet him, if he doesn't like doing anything?

I'd be bored out of my mind. I'd be very resentful if he didn't want me to do anything on my own, either.

You're just not suited, OP. I'm not sure he'll find someone to suit him but I know you will.

category12 Mon 20-Mar-17 11:26:52

Jeepers, he's not much of a catch.

You shouldn't stay with him out of guilt and a false sense of obligation that he is emotionally blackmailing into you.

It's up to him whether he sits on his arse and lets his life dribble away. You don't have to do the same. You each have a choice in life.

Make the right one for you.

whitehandledkitchenknife Mon 20-Mar-17 11:30:14

Ok, …..more questions.
What does he do in his time away from you? Does he have a job? What are his interests? How does he respond when you are tired/under the weather/stressed? Could you turn to him for emotional support, knowing that he would provide it? Would he be able to pick up a task that you left and continue with it, like making dinner?

Leavemealonepls Mon 20-Mar-17 11:31:05

I wouldn't say he's blackmailing me. It was just very intense at first and we'd planned our future together very early on. I feel I've made a promise I'm breaking. Also he needs someone to look after him.

Sorry I know it sounds pathetic. I don't think I can do it face to face and it wouldn't be fair any other way. I hate hurting him.

Leavemealonepls Mon 20-Mar-17 11:34:44

He spends his time away from me at home reading, listening to music, watching TV.

He has a job, yes.

He tries to provide emotional support yes, but sadly often it's not enough .. but that's down to me being very needy I think.

No he doesn't (and couldnt) pick up tasks if I leave them, cooking etc.

SandyY2K Mon 20-Mar-17 11:36:24

Has he considered therapy for his anxiety?

CBT would be a good start.

I can't imagine not being able to go on holidays or parties, dinner etc with my DH.

Does he work? How does he cope with that?

ImperialBlether Mon 20-Mar-17 11:39:18

He won't cook?

Can you explain that?

HmmOkay Mon 20-Mar-17 11:42:19

How did he manage before he got together with you?

Do you live together? Or do you have your own places?

Leavemealonepls Mon 20-Mar-17 11:45:45

He's had therapy in the past, CBT, but it didn't help much.

He doesn't cook, just heats stuff up and isn't really bothered.

I'm not sure how he coped before .. I guess he just got on with it.

Leavemealonepls Mon 20-Mar-17 11:46:22

No we don't live together.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: