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Please help I have no one to talk to.

(19 Posts)
Screamifuwant2gofaster Sun 19-Mar-17 21:11:44

I'm 6 weeks pregnant. IVery been trying for 8 years and has ivf. Can't believe I'm finally pregnant.

Marriage is a shambles. He is always getting angry and really uncaring. I've put up with a lot. I've threatened to leave so many times. Pregnancy has changed everything for me. Baby does not deserve to be born in this horrible environment.
I've given him several ultimatums (do this, this and this or you need to move out). He has not managed it. I want him gone.

I'm so scared. No idea about finances. I currently earn about £34,000 a year but planned on reducing my hours once baby comes (after year maternity) to maybe 3 days a week. Don't know where to start on organising stuff.
Not told anyone we are pregnant yet. Joint Pregnancy and splitting up announcement feels sad.
Financially I'd be fine when child started school but no idea how I'd manage until then. Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself.
Please help. I'm so stressed.

MrsMozart Sun 19-Mar-17 21:14:24

I don't have practical words, but you will get through this. Some of it will be hard, but you'll be building a new and good life for you and your little one.

Others will be along soon who can give you all the useful information.

Have a hug and know that you'll be okay.

ImperialBlether Sun 19-Mar-17 21:14:26

I don't want to be unfeeling, but if your period was only due two weeks ago and he's been a bastard for a lot longer, why were you trying to get pregnant with him?

MsJuniper Sun 19-Mar-17 21:23:28

That is unfeeling Imperial, if the op has been trying for 8 years then that has probably become a great focus and seemed more important to resolve than the relationship. Very hard to walk away when that feels like your only hope, or when you're going through IVF treatment. It also muddies the waters of how you think the relationship might otherwise be and the OP has stated that the pregnancy has clarified things for her in this respect.

Op your priority must be to look after yourself and use any support networks you have to make a safe space for yourself. You can't really plan for the longer term at this stage so I would focus on shorter term goals which are easy and safe for you to achieve.

tigerdog Sun 19-Mar-17 21:32:06

I don't have much advice, but I wanted to say congratulations on your much longed for pregnancy. It is only early at 6 weeks, so my advice would be to just hunker down and hold on until your pregnancy is more established. Now is not the time for big decisions. Take the time to think things through and plan what you might do. Wishing you lots of luck.

Screamifuwant2gofaster Sun 19-Mar-17 21:55:40

I told him he needs to find somewhere to stay. He is very upset, looks depressed. We are supposed to be going on holiday at easter.
On the one hand, I want to stay as calm as possible, should probably avoid the inevitable stress that splitting up will cause. At least until pregnancy is a bit more established. On the other hand I don't want to allow everything to go back to normal. I'd love to stay with him but only with a rationale, caring version of the man I've got. Otherwise we have got to split. Better to split soon then go through full pregnancy stressed and depressed.
I am so grateful for all the replies. They mean so much.

Forflipssake2 Sun 19-Mar-17 22:03:13

IVF puts a huge strain on any relationship. Maybe wait until your pregnancy is well established to decide if you want to split. Good luck

InTheMoodForLove Sun 19-Mar-17 22:10:45

under this circumstances I would also advice caution, catch your breath. You simply state relationship its a shamble. Would you care to expand on this ?
Like PP said 8 yr TTC would be testing for most couples. How was he? Did he support you all the way? Did he want this child / do you feel he did want this child?
Could hormone play a part in how you feel ?
It seems a bit rushed

Screamifuwant2gofaster Sun 19-Mar-17 22:26:45

He definitely wants this baby. 100%. He has never given the impression he doesn't want a baby with me. He's desperate to be a dad.

He gets angry very easily. He turns very nasty whenever I'm ill or have needs. I worry coz I will have 'needs' in pregnancy. It's not an illness but I know he won't cope. There have already been several nasty incidents.

We've been through a lot. I know many people might be reading this thinking 'why didn't you leave him years ago etc'. I'd have thought the same if I'd have read this 10 years ago. I can't explain. He isn't a bad man but he does hurt me (verbally and emotionally) a lot. I have considered leaving him many times but never done it. I want to make sure baby is ok. He (my husband) has had a tough life in many ways and I understand how he's turned into an angry man. I love him.
I don't think my hormones are playing a big role in my thoughts but perhaps I'm wrong.

Screamifuwant2gofaster Mon 20-Mar-17 06:58:12

He's meeting a friend tonight to talk about moving in with him. He has asked if there's anything that would make a difference and stop me wanting him to leave. I'd much, much rather he stayed and just treated me better but I'm not sure he can.
We haven't told anyone we are pregnant. Hate that I may have to tell people sooner than I wanted.
I am going to really miss him. I don't want him to go at all but I know I shouldn't put up with his outbursts and anger either. I'm trying to stay calm and look after myself.

AtSea1979 Mon 20-Mar-17 07:05:59

Your pregnancy has clarified things for you, it did for me. Maybe it will for him to. Maybe he'll step up and change his attitude? IVF is a huge strain and people cope differently. Not minimising just think your decision seems very rushed.

ohforfoxsake Mon 20-Mar-17 09:09:05

If he really wants this, he needs to make the changes. You can't.

He will still be a dad. You will be fine. I know how overwhelming it seems as you are right at the beginning of this, but having a baby on your own (I did) is entirely doable and lovely.

Once you start telling people the help and support will come. Once you book in with your midwife things will become clearer. Lots of processes will fall into place.

For the next few weeks just look after yourself.

Dallyw Mon 20-Mar-17 09:48:17

Congratulations on the pregnancy OP! I've not been through IVF but spent 4 years trying to conceive before it happened. As others have said it puts a huge strain on the relationship. I was obsessed, my calendar was full of ovulation times and even scheduled sex (I'm cringing at how bloody desperate I was). I can imagine IVF is even more scheduled and "formal", I think the sex became a chore and we disconnected on some level.
We separated when dc was 18 months.
Would him moving out and giving you space be a better option? Just until you figure out what you want and if you can make things work.

Unles he is abusive and making you miserable you should take some time to consider what being a single parent means as you don't realise until you live it. You also have to consider him meeting somebody else and how you would feel, not just about him being with somebody else, but her being around your child. Things can get nasty during break ups, maintenance disputes, custody, step brothers and sisters coming on the scene. Then splitting Christmas and birthdays, that's not to mention the sleepless nights and having to function at work the next day. It's manageable of course, but it's tough. Take some time to think

MrsBertBibby Mon 20-Mar-17 09:59:54

Would he consider relationship counselling? Would you?

hellsbellsmelons Mon 20-Mar-17 10:38:53

Has he done anger management at all?
Counselling if he's had a hard life?
I would not recommend couples counselling.
You use the word abuse and that means it's a no no to joint counselling.
Do you currently rent? Or joint mortgage?
Does he work? Is he a good earner?
I think moving out and away from you is a good idea.
It will give you some head space to really think things through.
It might not have to be permanent.
Understand what you would have if you separate.
i.e. tax credits, child benefit, maintenance payments etc...
Then see how you would cope.
Do you have a good support network around you?

SandyY2K Mon 20-Mar-17 10:45:51

I think you both need to take responsibility for bringing a child into the world, when the relationship has been troubled for so long.

Like others said, IVF can put a huge strain on the relationship and lead to terrible moods.

He asked if he could do anything to stop you wanting him to leave? Did you tell him what you wanted?

It's such a shame that you're splitting up after finally conceiving.

Apologies, I should have congratulated you first. Congratulations!

Does he accept he angers quickly? Would he seek therapy for it?

Screamifuwant2gofaster Tue 21-Mar-17 06:51:37

I've told him so many times what needs to change that it seems pointless saying it again.
Since I told him he has to go, he has been really lovely. It never lasts though.
I do have a support network...we live quite far from most of our family and friends though. I have people who'd be there for me emotionally (phone calls, occasional visits) but few people for hands on support. I know it would be extremely difficult.
I desperately want a pregnancy that is not made difficult by my marriage.
Everything, at the moment, feels ok again. I'm much more relaxed. Happier.. but if he just stays.. by next week there will be problems again and moments of me feeling absolutely dreadful.

Screamifuwant2gofaster Thu 30-Mar-17 21:34:35

I feel such a mess. I have started confiding in my lovely cousin so feel bit less alone but not mentioned pregnancy. I am having severe morning (all day) sickness. We are still living together because I don't know what the right thing to do us but I'm mainly miserable. We are on our hols now. Going to try and have a good trip.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 31-Mar-17 11:14:29

Well he is still making you miserable which is not good.
Why didn't he move out?
He threatened to and then didn't?
Just take your time with your decisions.
Your hormones will be all over the place right now.
You know you need him gone to be happy.
But take your time.
Get your 'ducks in a row' and take it from there.

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