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Love or security

(22 Posts)
sorryoldwoman Sun 19-Mar-17 20:54:44

Would you choose love and struggling financially in older age or a friendship marriage with security?

angelcakerocks Sun 19-Mar-17 20:55:40

why does it have to be an either/or?

sorryoldwoman Sun 19-Mar-17 21:09:44

Two men one I love and one I'm divorcing.

TheNaze73 Sun 19-Mar-17 21:26:33

I'd feel like a fraud with the latter

sorryoldwoman Mon 20-Mar-17 00:20:48

Yes your right

kel1493 Mon 20-Mar-17 00:26:59

Love every single time. My dh and I have nothing, but we have each other and our son. Most important

HeddaGarbled Mon 20-Mar-17 00:30:20

Well now, I think you are being rather simplistic.

Is this, I've been married for a while to a good guy but I really really really want to have sex with a new guy so I'm dressing it up as a love versus friendship/security scenario?

Alternatively, you could ditch the friendly rich guy for the lovely sexy new guy and earn your own money so that you don't struggle financially in your dotage.

JoJoSM2 Mon 20-Mar-17 00:33:14

Both options sound rubbish. Or perhaps it's my high expectations lol

FritzDonovan Mon 20-Mar-17 03:25:20

So you're in love with someone else while married... Does your OH know about the divorce yet, seeing as you seem unsure whether you should stay or go? hmm

redstep Mon 20-Mar-17 03:32:08

Hey it's difficult to say as both choices are pretty crap (I should know as tried both ways for extended periods of time) - if you stay for security once they are over the happiness of having you return to them you will get the moods, the resentment and the hurt that will come back and usually when you manage to reignite some loving feeling in your heart. If you go with love and poverty - love often goes crap after a while and then you're just left with poverty. Maybe be on your own for a bit?

sorryoldwoman Mon 20-Mar-17 08:55:07

Thanks for the advice and redstep sure got it right.

pinkopal Mon 20-Mar-17 08:59:36

Love. Absolutely. Over anything.

SleepingTiger Mon 20-Mar-17 09:02:09

Have you not already chosen?

mycatloveslego Mon 20-Mar-17 09:15:36

The friendship marriage only works if you both only want a friendship marriage. If he still loves you, it could become difficult and it would be unfair to trap him when you could leave and he could have the chance of finding love with someone else.

Triskel Mon 20-Mar-17 12:12:40

"It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages. "Friedrich Nietzsche

"The best friend is likely to acquire the best wife, because a good marriage is based on the talent for friendship." Also Nietzsche.

Below is his opinion on the hopelessness of a marriage based only upon love:

www.theatlantic.com/daily-dish/archive/2006/04/nietzsche-and-marriage/235592/

It depends what you think marriage is for. Actually, many philosophers would say trust is more important than love in marriage.

One of the main reasons carefully arranged marriages are successful and a good idea is that they are heavily contracted from the start. Expectations are quite clear. In addition the extended families are also contracted in.

Marriage is very complicated

GloucestershireGuy Mon 20-Mar-17 12:16:19

It's not just about you, though, is it? It's about being fair to the other person. If you "settle" for the secure option, are they aware you don't love them?

xStefx Mon 20-Mar-17 12:16:49

Love, you only have 1 life. Plus you would never be able to forget about the man you love if you tried to make it work with the other man

Triskel Mon 20-Mar-17 12:22:04

But what is love? How do you define it? How does it change over time?

And as they say where I'm from : "When hardship comes in through the door, love flies out of the window"

Keepithidden Mon 20-Mar-17 15:33:32

Love to start off with, then security if there are DCs, then when that job is finished love again. Not all with the same partner...

sorryoldwoman Mon 20-Mar-17 19:17:04

If I settle for security I go back to how it was and no worries as to how to pay for my medical needs. I have a ongoing condition that requires expensive medication. It looks like I'll settle. At least I've found out how loving someone totally feels. So I have a broken heart. I'll live.

SandyY2K Tue 21-Mar-17 00:53:08

I'd say both. I wouldn't go for love without security and vice versa.

highinthesky Tue 21-Mar-17 01:06:25

Settling might sort out your healthcare needs but it's not at all fair on the mug footing the bill.

As for this "love" - you'll get over it.

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