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Why do men have this idea about women...?

(60 Posts)
Barnum Sun 19-Mar-17 18:46:46

I signed on to a dating website and a man who lived near contacted me. He seemed to be open, honest and I liked the sound of him. I explained I wanted to take things slowly (ie wasn't just looking for sex ) and he agreed that was fine. Anyway, after chatting for almost a weeek, today I went to meet him - he seemed ok - we ended up at his house. He was so full on from the outset it was unbelievable. I reminded him about going slowly. I don't feel he's done anything wrong as such because I was a willing participant, I didn't feel threatened and consented all the way along. I think he would probably have stopped if I'd asked him to tbh. But I am cross with myself because it moved faster than I wanted to and we ended up in bed together. He seemed to think that was ok and once the deed was done announced he had to go walk his dog!! angry He didn't want conversation, offer me a drink, nothing. I am mad and embarrassed with myself for being so stupid as to think he might have wanted a 'normal' relationship rather than just sex. Needless to say I will not be using this way of meeting men again. Perhaps I am just being naive in believing that people on dating sites do want a normal relationship and aren't there just looking for sex? How do you find a decent partner?? Will I ever manage to find a nice, kind and loving man who wants a relationship?

Happybunny19 Sun 19-Mar-17 18:52:48

Did you think going back to his house and having sex on your first meeting would lead to a potential relationship really? How on earth was that taking things slowly? You need to set your boundaries and ensure you stick to them, you'll find you're taken far more seriously that way.

If you want a quick shag that's perfectly fine and dandy, I'm not judging you, but if you put out on the first meeting no bloke is going to think you're girlfriend potential.

SaltySeaDog72 Sun 19-Mar-17 18:53:53

Oh dear. With OLD or indeed RL dating, men will say anything they want a relationship quite happily, if it gets them into a woman's pants. They can simply say at a later date 'I changed my mind'

Unfortunately with men (er, or, people) it's not what they say it's what they do. Going to his for a 'first date' - just no. That's a stranger. It's not safe and it's not wise and he will read that as 'up for sex'.

Are you new to OLD? I would chalk this up to experience and maybe check out the dating thread for support and tips?

First (zeroth) date is best as coffee in a public place for an hour so you can bail easily.

Pollyanna9 Sun 19-Mar-17 18:55:32

I think the thing to learn from this is that you don't go back to their house. Not that you were giving tacit permission for sex, but it's just better not to get into some closed off location - stick to the pubs and bars or coffee shops. Don't go back to their home with them.

Your last questions? I don't know. I'm 50 been on my own for 5 years. Married for 16, together with 'D'H for 20, then 5 years with the love of my life who sadly had MH issues and a drug addiction that I knew nothing about until it was too late.

My issue I guess is that I can find plenty of guys who are mature enough not to need sex on the first date but I meet them and have a GREAT date and conversation - but I don't fancy them?!

I was up for no strings sex (with condoms, obvs!!) when I was getting divorced but my entire hope of life has pretty much gone. I'm 2-3 dress sizes larger than I was then, I don't even really know what I want tbh.

I hope you can move forward from this - I've found OLD to be ok to be honest (been on POF). Don't put this down to OLD - it's what you expected, you made an error (not bashing you here honest - I'm on your side!!) but you went home with him and I would never do that on the first date not least because he could be a nutter.

I spend AGES chit-chatting via messages - if they can't deal with that they can do one. It has to take something special for me to come outside of the OLD site and go onto WhatsApp or something with them.

Carry on OP but don't ever go home with them. If they're genuinely interested in more than sex, they'll hang around. It's a good way of weeding them out.

Pollyanna9 Sun 19-Mar-17 18:57:38

I don't agree though that having sex on the first date is a long term relationship killer - most of the time yes (I totally totally agree) but not always. It depends on the parties involved.

The more worrying things here are that you did something that realllly it seems you didn't want to do ie had sex with him. You also (essentially) put yourself potentially in danger.

JK1773 Sun 19-Mar-17 19:24:50

What a very dangerous situation you put yourself in there. Please don't do that again. OLD can be successful but there are a lot of untrustworthy people out there. If you try again please be more careful and always make sure someone you trust knows where you are at all times

loveyoutothemoon Sun 19-Mar-17 19:27:01

What on earth made you go back to a strangers house on a first date?

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom Sun 19-Mar-17 19:32:58

I think you need to have a really good look at what happened, you went back to his house on the first date, then despite reminding him you wanted to take things slowly you had sex with him-why did you do that?
Sex on the first date is fine, but only if that is what you want-from your OP it doesn't sound like you did.

Nomoreworkathome Sun 19-Mar-17 19:34:30

Utterly stupid to go back to a strangers house. Aside from that you tell him you want to take things slowly and are not just after sex then you jump into bed with him the first time you meet.

herwegoagain123 Sun 19-Mar-17 19:35:52

As you said your self you were willing. You don't even know this man so what were you thinking? You need to be clear what your boundries are and stick to them. Sounds to me like you were besotted by his bullshit. Oh dear.

gingertigercat Sun 19-Mar-17 19:38:20

You sound very naive. You went back to a strangers house the first time you met him? Then slept with said stranger and are surprised that he isn't pursuing a relationship?

It's not the man or the OLD that's the problem here; while there will always be exceptions, I would generally say if it's OLD have several dates before you think about going back to their house for your own personal safety and to avoid putting yourself in a situation where sex is a likely outcome if you're looking for a serious relationship.

MagnumPieEye Sun 19-Mar-17 19:45:05

Leave her alone! I went on a first date recently and almost went back to his house because I fancied him. Sometimes these things happen, you get carried away.

OP, don't beat yourself up about it. He was pretty rude but you're safe. Chalk it up to experience and try not to do it again if it upsets you.

MagnumPieEye Sun 19-Mar-17 19:46:33

Oh and although I slept with this guy on our second date we're still managing to have a serious relationship. It's not that big of a deal.

Pollyanna9 Sun 19-Mar-17 19:51:54

I agree. Sex on the first date doesn't necessarily mean the kiss of death to the relationship! Just most of the time.... Guys conform to these basic stereotypes sadly.

As me and other have said, OP bowed to pressure and she didn't think of personal safety. That's probably because she's a lovely lady who doesn't think badly of people, but OP, several people have said, don't be naive - not everyone is normal and you need to protect yourself.

No need to give up OLD, just proceed with more caution and self preserving instincts. xx

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach Sun 19-Mar-17 19:52:26

I did the deed on date 1 with my ex after chatting and talking for a couple of weeks. We were together for 2.5 years. It's not always a death knell.

BUT it sounds like you weren't entirely comfortable with the idea and for that reason, I think you need to learn a lesson from this and be more careful next time you go on a date.

I have since been on OLD and had several first and second dates and I have joined the dating thread for advice. I now have a 5 date minimum just to give myself time to be sure.

Come and join us on the dating thread!

FreeNiki Sun 19-Mar-17 19:56:11

Why do men have this idea about women...?

Because they know they can get it.

You went home with him instead of proving his assumptions wrong so he'll assume the same from the next woman.

Chalk it up to experience.

Trills Sun 19-Mar-17 20:04:26

Needless to say I will not be using this way of meeting men again.

It would be wrong ot write off online dating after this experience.

A man you meet online is not really that different to a man you meet in a pub or at a club or at an activity - he is a man you don't know yet and he is equally (not more, not less) likely to want a relationship.

If you had met a man in any other circumstances and gone back to his and had sex, would you expect it to turn out differently? You don't know him yet.

If you don't want to have sex with people unless they are interested in a relationship, it's a good plan to wait til you know them before you have sex.

This man did not promise you anything. He did not force you to do anything. He has not done anything "wrong". Offering you a drink would have been polite, but you don't know him well and it turns out he's not that polite.

ohidoliketobebesidethecoast Sun 19-Mar-17 20:14:39

There are people saying 'its OK to have sex on first date if u fancy, but you put yourself in danger by going to his house'. I find this a puzzling combination - where would you be perfectly safe doing this? Down an alley? In a hotel?
I know it happens but don't get how its a safe thing to do anywhere.

As others have said, this isn't an issue with OLD, its about being assertive about what you want and don't want. And you should def tell a friend where ur going, and as much as you know about the person ur meeting, and arrange that you'll text them at a certain time to say you're back safe.

Trills Sun 19-Mar-17 20:31:21

I find this a puzzling combination

Something can be OK to do if you want to do it and have weighed the risks, even if they are still risky. It's up to you to decide how much you want to do it and what level of risk you are willing to take.

Ohyesiam Sun 19-Mar-17 21:33:06

Sorry this happened op, don't beat yourself up, but you really need to learn from it.

Going back to his house means you want to have sex, it's really that simple. Mind will be going " great, she's coming to mine because she's up for it" , and by that time the whole slowly thing would have been forgotten, or would be translated into " she wants to kiss for a few more minutes than usual.
If you find it hard to understand how these things play out, remember not to get your self into any situation where there would be enough privacy to have ssex, unless you are really sure it's sex you want.

Yes, there are men who want relationships on dating sites, but you need to follow through on your boundaries. You stated out well, stating what you wanted, but then you need to follow through.

SparklingRaspberry Sun 19-Mar-17 21:39:41

I'm not really sure he can be fully blamed here. You've come across as confusing.

I mean you tell him you wanted to take things slowly and not sex. But then you go over to his house and sleep with him?

Of course he isnt gunna say no. The fact you went over to his house on the first date, the first time you ever met him in person after speaking online, is usually something that only happens when it's a casual thing.

Of course I'm not saying that if you go over to someone's house then you MUST sleep with them. I'm not saying that at all.
But to go over on the first day and have sex, isn't usually the actions of someone who wants to take things slowly

Bluntness100 Sun 19-Mar-17 21:42:11

I don't really understand why you're blaming the man here, I'm sorry. You willingly went back to his house and had sex with him. The first time you ever met him. You can't then blame him for just wanting sex.

user1487175389 Sun 19-Mar-17 21:44:36

I don't really get this. I think you're kidding yourself if you think you were really a willing participant. You said he was going much faster than you wanted him to, he was 'so full on from the outset is was unbelievable'. So he pushed you into having sex you didn't really want to have? It's not true consent, is it? True consent would have been you both deciding, free of any pressure, that you both wanted to have sex. I don't think you should see him again. In fact, take a break from dating and maybe have some counselling. Try and work out why you don't feel able to set boundaries you're comfortable with, and how it's meaning you end up being pushed into things you're not really ready for. Not excusing him. He sounds bloody awful.

SandyY2K Sun 19-Mar-17 21:50:04

Not all men are like that and those who are, aren't specific to OLD. I encountered a number of men like that before OLD was around.

I know many people who have met and formed lasting relationships through OLD, so don't write it off.

Just meet in public for your first few dates and dictate the pace.

Lovemusic33 Sun 19-Mar-17 21:54:28

When I first entered the OLD world I did exactly what you did OP. I had just come out of a sexless marriage and was craving attention. I put myself at risk by going to men's houses and having men vine to my house, I frost stupid afterwards as there was no way these men were going to end up in a long term relationship with me.

I am now OLD again and I gave given myself strict rules.

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