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Stories of recovery from heartbreak

(30 Posts)
heartbroken40 Sun 19-Mar-17 15:25:17

Well, I am well and truly heartbroken. The man with whom I was dreaming a future actually only wanted sex and once he got it has disappeared.

Can I please have some stories of recovery from heartbreak? Has anyone ever been able to move on and forget the biggest love of their lives?

Please do tell me your stories of finding peace and contentment. How long did it take?


Nomoreworkathome Sun 19-Mar-17 16:01:41

Of course people recover from heartbreak..... all the time.
Be kind to yourself as you are still feeling very raw. take one day at a time. Keep a journal and write in it every day.... how you are feeling, thoughts etc. I did this and found it very cathartic. Keep busy bit the most important of all...go non contact. Hard but really important for recovery. hard to say how long it can take. Really varies and lost of factors can affect that. Took me about 6 months.

How long were you together? You say he left after you had sex so am wondering if you had only been together a relatively short time

heartbroken40 Sun 19-Mar-17 16:11:41

Nomore, we met in high school and I fell in love there and then. Then he moved away to join the army, I moved to London.

I have loved him since then, had a couple of relationships, but he was always in my mind.

Then he got back in touch as I moved back to my home town. We flirted, we kissed and finally had sex after 23 years (I am 40, he is a couple of years older).

So, I have loved him since I was 17.

I think I am not going to recover, I dreamt of a shared life, children and the next 40 years together.

PolkadotPony Sun 19-Mar-17 16:13:46


ExH left me at 38 weeks pregnant with dc4.

I don't even think about him now, although it took a few years to get properly like that.

All you can do now is look after yourself, and do a day at a time. The days will pass and it will lessen. Try and keep a bit busy, paint your bedroom or something, make it for you.

Happy to answer any questions, I'm MNing whilst diner cooks.

heartbroken40 Sun 19-Mar-17 16:19:00

Polkadot my heart is so, so heavy. I have loved him forever and lost him twice. How can I go on?

I am trying not to think about him, but I am wondering if it is better to think about everything now or pretend that the past few months never happened.

What do you think is better?

DevelopingDetritus Sun 19-Mar-17 16:19:02

Sorry you're feeling so bad. I've been there it's just so awful I know. I agree with the totally NC, it's almost impossible to move on otherwise.
Whenever you feel up to it, try something new, maybe something you've always thought you might like but never got around to.
Take one day at a time. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Best wishes.

PolkadotPony Sun 19-Mar-17 16:20:59

I understand. It can physically hurt, can't it? Don't block your thoughts, it's part of making some sense of it. There will come a point where you'll be able to tell yourself to stop thinking about him, and to busy yourself with something else.

LorLorr2 Sun 19-Mar-17 16:23:45

Imagine how good it would feel to find a man who you loved as much as that, except he feels the same way about you too. Wouldn't that feel even better than how you feel about this player guy?! Acknowledge the qualities you seem to fall for and look for them on someone else.
I'm not sure you are in love with his true self but maybe lustful instead. I am so sorry though, it's absolutely terrible when you adore someone and things don't work out how you hopedsad people do move on from heartbreak though, there is proof all around us! With all the couples you know, I'm sure they had at least a couple of break-ups before they found 'the one'. Of course you may also know single people who are happy and aren't still grieving over someone from their past. So yes it's absolutely possible to get to a point of closure and peace. Keep working on yourself, creating new experiences and see what happens!

LorLorr2 Sun 19-Mar-17 16:26:11

Just seen your last post - I would say you do need to reflect on what happened just to process things and have your time to be sad. Just don't let it linger too long and pick yourself up and carry on afterwards!

heartbroken40 Sun 19-Mar-17 16:27:50

But will there be a man for me? I am 40, and the time to have children has almost passed.

Outwardly I seem ok, but inside I am numb. Can a heart really take that much? Can I take pleasure from small things again?

Should I ask him to explain or just let it go?

heartbroken40 Sun 19-Mar-17 16:32:48

My friends told me that it was meant to be, and I wanted to believe it. Why not?

My love for him is literally immense, i fell in love the day I saw him at school.

I remember every second of our interactions from many years ago.

I had dropped a book and there he was handing it to me. I looked in his eyes and I thought that's it, I have just met my future.

And now, I thought a miracle had happened and instead here I am again heartbroken. Now I will sound pathetic, but I had already named our children in my mind. I am really a sad person

PolkadotPony Sun 19-Mar-17 16:33:00

A heart can suffer many things, and worse than what you've experienced as well.

I'd not contact him. Closure is a luxury, and you may never know why. He may not know why.

A man isn't a necessity, either. There will be another relationship when you are ready, of course. I used to be convinced I'd never have another relationship, but I did. I know the fear is real.

heartbroken40 Sun 19-Mar-17 16:38:32

Polkadot, would you mind sharing your story? Only if you want of course. I need lots of positive inspiration around me and know that it really happens and that you didn't settle for second best and always think about the one who got away.

JK1773 Sun 19-Mar-17 16:49:35

So sorry to hear this. It will get better. I found myself single again at 40 and the same as you I dispaired of ever meeting someone else. I was raw and hurting. I decided just to try and forget about it and concentrate on myself. Joined a gym, started slimming, spent time with friends, had a holiday with my parents and another with a friend. 18 months later and 3 stone lighter I got chatting to an old school friend on FB. We are now 4 months together and he's one of the kindest people I have ever met. We are not rushing anything and it's great. I felt happier in myself and I suppose I was ready. I don't have any dc and I'm 42 now. It might happen one day, it might not but right now I'm in a happy place. It really does get better. Find things to do, projects, spend time with your friends and family and let them take care of you for now flowers

Comealongpond89 Sun 19-Mar-17 16:49:49

Hugs for you heartbroken I can tell you there is definitely light at the end of the tunnel. I was with my exH for 9 years, since I was 17. When our dd was 3 months old her was arrested for downloading indecent images of children. He had been doing it for our whole relationship. I had no idea. I felt completely betrayed. I left him the day the police turned up with a warranty and raided my house. It took about 6 months before I felt ready to be proactive and sort myself out. I got my own house. New job. I love the fact that I get to raise my dd in my way now. I never thought I could do it but I am and it's very liberating.

You can get past this. It wasn't meant to be but one day you will meet the person you are meant to be with. Stay strong

heartbroken40 Sun 19-Mar-17 16:53:10

JK that is a great story! I hope it continues and you find happiness.

I guess I just need to do what you did, focus on myself.

I am decently pretty but I am starting to show some signs of my age and also gaining weight. I feel totally without energy at the moment but I might try to join a gym and take care of myself physically and mentally and see if there is someone for me out there.

heartbroken40 Sun 19-Mar-17 16:55:51

Comealong, that is absolutely horrible, poor you. It is the contrast between fantasy and reality that is really hard to accept.

I thought he was a good person, who was attached to me and instead I don't know who he was.

But I can't be angry, that is such a destructive feeling, I guess I need to understand that he simply wasn't into me and it was a game for him

Lemonnaise Sun 19-Mar-17 16:57:19

My DP left me and our baby for another woman. The betrayal was gut wrenching. I really thought I'd never get over it. I swore off men, said never again(and I really, truly did mean it)....8 months later I met my now DP who is the real love of my lifegrin

heartbroken40 Sun 19-Mar-17 17:00:29

Lemonnaise, that is beautiful. I hope it happens to me one day. Now I need to take a break from everything maybe an holiday somewhere would help. But if I go by myself I think I would be simply miserable.

I should find a hobby to take my mind off things

DevelopingDetritus Sun 19-Mar-17 17:05:23

I've noticed a couple of posters on here have said they felt better at around 6 months, same for me too. Remember no contact though.

Nomoreworkathome Sun 19-Mar-17 17:13:19

I should add I met my now husband when I was 41. smile

heartbroken40 Sun 19-Mar-17 17:23:42

Thanks all, I wonder whether it is all meant to be or whether life is just shitty with no redeeming features. At the moment I am thinking the latter, but who knows?

He is gone back to wherever he works (as I said he is in the forces) so no risk of meeting him for the time being.

I am thinking of moving back to London where I kept my flat, there must be some decent guys around (hopefully).

JK1773 Sun 19-Mar-17 17:33:46

Forget about guys for a while. And don't do anything too drastic whilst you're feeling like this. Take your time, spoil yourself a bit. You will be good in time x

SaltySeaDog72 Sun 19-Mar-17 17:39:41

OP I am so sorry you are hurting. It's like a very real and physical tortuous pain. Be very kind to yourself and take it a minute.. then an hour.. then a day at a time..

I'm gonna flip this around and suggest that it's really good that you've got this 23 year fantasy of this man out of your system. This is your closure! What you harboured all that time wasn't real. A part of you just had to let go of the 17-year old you. And that's good, really good.. This man isn't the one. Nor is he the one that got away.

Now you can take good care of yourself, give yourself time and move forward - who knows what the future brings. None of us knows..

I was in an awful marriage for 14 years. It really hurt. I swore I would never ever get into another relationship. Then I met a lovely man and grieved that relationship so hard when it ended. I could barely breathe.

But now I have met someone who is a delight and a proper 'fit' and it just works, I am so content. As humans our capacity for love renews as we heal. Be very gentle with yourself and take good care flowers

heartbroken40 Sun 19-Mar-17 17:54:47

Sally, that is something I hadn't thought about. Maybe it was meant to be like this. This was the last chapter of an unfinished book.

And as we are not in Hollywood, the happy ever after was always unlikely.

I always thought we had unfinished business and now finally it is really over. Thanks a lot for the fresh perspective, I knew mumsnet would be the right place to come for help.

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