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Husband won't let me divorce

(31 Posts)
rockhardplace78 Sun 19-Mar-17 15:05:26

I'm a regular poster but have name changed. Been married for 4 years. 2 kids. I don't want to be married to him anymore. He said if I filed for divorce, he would contest it and cause so many problems that I would give up on divorcing him. He's well off and obsessed with me not getting anything financially. He said he'd ignore all solicitor's letters. The house is in his name, he pays all the bills and mortgage. 2/3 of childcare. He said he has no intention of continuing to do this if we split, so I would be financially destitute. I can't afford a solicitor at the moment, in saving up for an initial appointment but in the meantime, I'm going mad. Can anyone offer any advice?

Materdolores Sun 19-Mar-17 15:09:55

He sounds controlling and possibly abusive. I would contact Women's Aid.

If you don't want to be married to him, then you can divorce him. You can divorce him for unreasonable behaviour. You don't need his approval. He sounds like a bully.

honeyroar Sun 19-Mar-17 15:10:48

He sounds a treasure, I can see why you want rid of him. I'm sure someone with more experience will be along to advise soon, but I'd say seek legal advice as soon as you can (sell some ornaments or something on EBay to raise some cash?).

rockhardplace78 Sun 19-Mar-17 15:13:09

He says I need to prove his unreasonable behaviour, which I can't. I'm so upset. I'm barely keeping it together. I just want an amicable, fair split for my kids. If it was just me, I'd dissappear and let the marriage dissolve.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 19-Mar-17 15:13:46

Do call Womens Aid as they can and will help you here. Another organisation you can call is the Rights of Women .http://rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/

Do not be intimidated by this man's stance and start divorce proceedings asap.

No man is above the law.

rockhardplace78 Sun 19-Mar-17 15:14:34

Honey, yes, I'm selling some stuff as we speak, thanks.

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower Sun 19-Mar-17 15:15:29

You don't need his permission to start divorce proceedings. He doesn't get to decide on how finances are split either.

I'd make an appointment to speak to a solicitor anyway. Not all do the initial free consultation, but many do. In my experience you can get a lot of invaluable advice in half an hour. Even once they start charging you they may not bill you straightaway.

Definitely call womens aid though.

rockhardplace78 Sun 19-Mar-17 15:15:55

Attila thanks, looks like a good resource

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 19-Mar-17 15:17:20

Given his demeanour it is unlikely that he will be at all amicable. He will go out of his way to make divorce from him as long and protracted as possible as your "punishment" for having the gall to divorce him. You're seeing as much from him already but you cannot and must not be at all intimidated; he is in no position to dictate terms and no man is above the law.

rockhardplace78 Sun 19-Mar-17 15:23:43

He's also saying he can't guarantee that he'll be able to see our kids if we split. Another way of controlling me. He knows that would break my little boy's heart.

tigerrun Sun 19-Mar-17 15:23:49

You know the classic abusers line of 'no-one would believe you anyway' - it sounds like this is what he is saying to you but in another twisted way. You are married to him and you have a child - the law is on your side & you will not be left destitute because you are entitled to a decent percentage (quite possibly half or more) of the assets, regardless of whose names they are in, plus ongoing maintenance that he will have to pay.

I suspect he knows that too which is why he is trying to intimidate and bully you not to do it. Use the anger about that to build your strength and screw him for every penny OP, sounds like he deserves it. Also many solicitors offer a 30min consultation for free, but make sure you get a recommendation for a shit hot one. My mum was a divorce solicitor & your STBXH isn't the first arsehole to try that nonsense, please don't fall for it. Good luck!

rockhardplace78 Sun 19-Mar-17 15:28:08

I'm torn. Part of me just wants to sort out a little rental for me and my kiss and just leave, letting him keep his precious money. A bit i5f me wants to fight him and get a good settlement, making sure my kids don't go without.

honeyroar Sun 19-Mar-17 15:33:50

Good, make sure it's his ornaments you sell!

This behaviour is unreasonable, surely!

I personally would get your little rental sorted and get out ASAP, and then chase him for money. It will probably be easier once he's not standing whispering threats in your ear.. If he's stupid enough to not see his child to punish you, he's not e kind of dad you want around anyway, and it will be him losing out. He's probably just a load of words anyway.

RandomMess Sun 19-Mar-17 15:34:10

Sounds like you are already being abused.

Your best option may be to leave via a refuge, it's not nice but it's the way to freedom. You will be entitled to a share of the marital assets and Child Maintenance.

Whilst you are still under the same roof take copies of all documents such as bank statements, mortgage etc. Keep safe the birth certificates and passports.

Are you receiving Child Benefit in your name?

traviata Sun 19-Mar-17 15:37:58

The court doesn't require any 'proof' except your signed statement that it happened. And you can add his responses , when you told him you wanted a divorce, as more evidence of unreasonable behaviour.

But has he behaved unreasonably? You have only said that you don't want to be married to him...that isn't unreasonable by him.

Financially - if he won't attempt to agree, then the court will make orders for finances, and will prioritise the children. If he is well off, you won't be left destitute, but it's impossible to know whether you would be moving into rented accommodation.

Can you work at all? If you worked the qualifying number of hours per week (15?) you'd get tax credits. Go on one of the online calculators to see what benefits you'd get if you split.

Heatherjayne1972 Sun 19-Mar-17 15:40:09

Can you divert money into your own account?
And maybe collect up anything valuable and as much relevant paperwork as you can and put it safe somewhere ( bank statements passports etc )
I think you have to plow on with planning to leave and ignore his comments as much as you can (easier said than done tho )

Kr1stina Sun 19-Mar-17 15:44:36

Every time you do some food shopping, get some cash back. Save this up and see a solicitor.

Do you have acesss to your own bank account and is child benefit paid into it?

rockhardplace78 Sun 19-Mar-17 16:54:20

Does anybody know if he will have to support us after a divorce? In the same way he did while we were married?

RandomMess Sun 19-Mar-17 16:59:19

He will have to pay Child Maintenance.

You will probably be entitled to the lions share of the equity in the home.

You could also apply for spousal maintenance if you can't afford to live comfortably on your salary alone

You're entitled to a share of his pensions.

ImperialBlether Sun 19-Mar-17 17:01:30

Usually you have a deal sorted out prior to the divorce, so that he pays child maintenance but nothing on a monthly basis to you. So for example you might have 75% of the equity in return for no monthly payments.

Go to "Entitled To" to calculate what benefits you'd get if you split up - it doesn't take child support into account. Also Google "child maintenance calculator" to figure out how much he'd have to pay.

swizzlestar Sun 19-Mar-17 17:03:29

You don't actually need to prove his unreasonable behaviour. At least I didn't when I divorced xh. I just had to detail several incidents (3 from memory, but I may be wrong), and that was it! He's already unreasonable, and abusive. Everything you've written shows that.

You will get a financial settlement, but nobody can guarantee what that will be. You may need worse off, but you'd still be better off with him out of your life!

rockhardplace78 Sun 19-Mar-17 17:07:05

Child maintenance would be a pittance - he has 4 other kids. He said he wouldn't discuss any financial settlement with me and I'd have to "wait and see". I know I'll be worse off but I don't want to be financially destitute either.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 19-Mar-17 17:14:59

Re your comment:-
He said he wouldn't discuss any financial settlement with me and I'd have to "wait and see".

He will be dealing with your Solicitor and that person is never going to accept such from him. He cannot dictate such terms and he really thinks he is above the law. He is not.

"I know I'll be worse off but I don't want to be financially destitute either".
This is mere supposition on your part. Until you have sought legal advice I fail to see how you will be worse off in a financial sense.

CMamaof4 Sun 19-Mar-17 17:21:03

Just a word of advice the child maintenance service are useless with people who are non compliant for example if he doesn't answer the letter there is nothing they can do.
Make sure you get it arranged through the courts.

rockhardplace78 Sun 19-Mar-17 17:50:28

Thank you everyone for your advice. He just told me he's happy to keep living with me and ignoring me. That's preferable to him. He said he will just come and go as he pleases and fake it in front of the children. I can't live like that.

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