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Is my mum selfish? Feel like this trait in her is spooking our realtionship

(20 Posts)
Waitingforsleep Sun 19-Mar-17 14:01:13

I'm here at my mums with Dd's and yet again just feeling annoyed by her which I don't want to feel.

Late just seems so selfish and self centred it's bugging the hell out of me.
I have to listen to my kids telling her how great her food is (after she has asked them a lot how dinner is)
If they draw a picture and it has a house on it she says "is that grandmas house"
When there was a film with a nan type figure in she started a conversation about the characters in it asking them who was their favourite character and then she told them the grandma was hers (if was just called nan)

I have dd's who has additional needs however I have no acceptance of this and no support. "They will grow out of it" comments
My aunt has dementia and my cousin struggling for help but she can't go once a week or for night as she is "too busy" - she is retired! she moans about her ringing her a
Lot although I keep saying she has dementia she doesn't know!

Just feel I don't like my mother very much!

Waitingforsleep Sun 19-Mar-17 14:02:21

Spoiling not spooking! Lol to title!!!

bluebannana Sun 19-Mar-17 14:08:35

Sounds like my MIL, if she does anyone a 'favour' she makes sure everyone knows how wonderful she is for doing it.

BonnyScotland Sun 19-Mar-17 14:22:52

Me Myself and I syndrome... she's sounds like hard work x

Waitingforsleep Sun 19-Mar-17 14:25:10

I feel I'm being so harsh and its
Making me feel bad but honestly it's making me feel crap.
She doesn't seem that interested in me. If I say something I get a "MM." Response unless it's interesting to her.

Waitingforsleep Mon 20-Mar-17 07:25:40

This goes beyond me being annoyed.
I feel really down today sad
My step dad said I was struggling with the kids as I had them in my 30's and not my 20's.
I said that wasn't true it's because of the additional needs they have makes it harder work and the fact they don't sleep.
But nothing ...
I feel so let down

Crumbs1 Mon 20-Mar-17 07:34:28

She doesn't sound like she is actually doing much wrong. Lots of people ask how a meal,they've cooked is. People, including children, are generally meant to wax lyrical about how good the food someone has cooked is. It's usual social expectation- even if food is grim.
Why would she not ask whether a picture they were drawing was her house if that is where the children were when drawing it?
Sounds more your problem, to be honest.

Helping someone with dementia is very hard. It's really painful to see someone you care about no longer recognise you. It's too much for some to cope with. Assuming it's your mothers aunt, it must be pretty scary for her wondering whether it runs in families and whether she might have it too. Denial is a powerful coping mechanism. Sounds like your cousin needs proper help not your mother. Maybe a discussion about residential care?

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad Mon 20-Mar-17 07:41:27

What a ridiculous comment from your stepfather!! Having children is hard work whatever age you have them especially if they have additional needs.
Ignore him and pay no attention to your self absorbed mother. People can often become more self absorbed the older they get - as their lives get less busy and they have less to focus on, they themselves become the centre of their world.
Just bear with it and ignore stupid comments about your age until you're able to go home.

Waitingforsleep Mon 20-Mar-17 07:46:28

It's my mums sister. Yes denial is what my mum lives in all the time but denial does t help anybody.
It's not the asking how the meal is - it's the way she always has to bring everything back to her.
For her birthday my son who was 5 didn't write his name in her card as he didn't feel like it so just signed my my daughter- hours later we were at the cinema and she had a bag of crisps my son asked for one to which my mum replied " you won't write your name in my card but you want one of grandmas crisps! "

We were playing a game and I got a higher score than my mum so she starts teasing oh mummy must have cheated.

Waitingforsleep Mon 20-Mar-17 07:47:26

Her chips are "the best chips" - " who's ate the best chips?" Of course the kids say hers!

Waitingforsleep Mon 20-Mar-17 07:49:22

Complete denial about my kids and the difficulties I have with them, makes me feel inadequate. I moved my daughter to a different school and told my mum I was doing that and why she replied "MM" he. When I was upstairs I heard her asking my daughter why is she moving school does she like school etc. She never believes what I say hence the comment about her sister when she visited "oh she's not as bad as you say"

diymania Mon 20-Mar-17 07:53:52

I totally get where you're coming from. It's the pattern of behaviour you're describing in the examples you've used. I'm guessing there are plenty more. This is the trouble as in isolation when you're describing them you feel it's you being petty and you feel mean. But it's the consistency of the actions that make the issue. My MIL is the same. I think it comes from insecurity so I try to frame it in my mind in that way and try not feel too irritated by it. I try and remember the good things too - her love for the kids, heart in right place etc. And also remember that no-one is perfect (certainly not me....I'm sure I annoy her about stuff too)

About the dementia....I take it it's her sister who has dementia (as you said your aunt). She might have her own issues about dementia - it is a very hard illness to cope with. I agree though i would probably feel she could help out more. But maybe helping would be getting proper support for your cousin. V hard situation.

Ragwort Mon 20-Mar-17 07:58:29

It does sound a little as though you are over thinking all this, plenty of people do the 'aren't my chips (or whatever) routine the best' - yes, it is mildly irritating but why not just gently tease her 'oh come on mum, we all know you make the best chips, mine aren't nearly as good as your's' - or something like that, it makes it all sound totally petty really.

Take the usual mumsnet advice ' smile and nod ! And as others have said, none of us are perfect.

Waitingforsleep Mon 20-Mar-17 08:02:29

With the demenita it's just the fact she isn't prepared to help said she was far too busy ( is retired and goes on holiday a lot and out with friends etc)
I said it was up to her as to what she wants to do but I am disappointed in her.
I offer help and support to my cousin who is doing really well and she has her starting at a day centre etc and my aunt has a good friend who visits each week. I am just sad my mum hasn't stepped up as they were so close.
With me yes I frame it that it is coming from a deep insecurity to be loved and I get that however how much do I put my feelings aside. I see my kids trying to get her approval and I feel I get dismissed and put down a lot which doesn't make me feel good. I'm jealous of other friends mums who don't seem to do this. I would feel a healthy response to a grown up daughter struggling with her dcs would be to offer an ear, or whatever but o feel I don't matter at all

Waitingforsleep Mon 20-Mar-17 08:04:19

It doesn't feel petty though but I appreciate it sounds that way.
When my Dd was a baby and was crying so I was sorting her milk the response from my mum was " oh what's your mummy doing to you..."
Wtf? I wasn't doing anything to her!

AnitaPallenbergsKnees Mon 20-Mar-17 08:18:42

I understand completely, I honestly do.
It's such hard work.
I can only suggest that you try ( and I know how difficult it can be) to think it really is her problem and not yours. Almost detach yourself from all the silly little comments...

Waitingforsleep Mon 20-Mar-17 13:29:26

Probably worse it's is Mother's Day coming up and I feel how bad when I see the mushy cards thanking their mums.
Also I had a meeting re my kids and the counsllor asked me if my mum was supportive and I had to say no. It just really hit me sad

FaFoutis Mon 20-Mar-17 13:39:16

It is a hard thing to get used to. I'm lucky if I get an 'mm' if I talk about myself, usually I get just get silence. I avoid mine as much as possible, and she gets the plain mother's day cards.
She would have no idea I feel like this, she probably thinks she is a perfectly lovely mother.

Waiting, I would say don't expect anything, don't see her for too long in one go and don't talk about yourself to her. All very difficult because you never really give up hope.

diymania Mon 20-Mar-17 20:45:08

I'm really sorry....I didn't mean to make you think I thought you were being petty. I really don't. I find the behaviour hard to put up with with my MIL - and she's not my Mum, which would be infinitely harder as your parents are the people you hope/want/expect to put aside their own egos and be the lion protector for you, their child.

StrongerSingle Mon 20-Mar-17 21:11:53

Sound so like my DM. I try not to let her irritate me ... but she does!

But I live over 300 miles away from her now so I just have to tolerate short bursts.

waiting, you have my sympathy smile

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