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I am my 11 year olds emotional punch bag. Please help!(28 Posts)
I am a single mum to 3 dd's 6, 9 and almost 12. I have been seperated since my youngest was 6 months. My exH does not coparent at all. He sees them once a month on a sunday.
I am absolutely exhausted. EXHAUSTED!!!
It's been tough over the years financially and emotionally but I have always always stayed strong. Always jumped the hurdles and got back on the horse so to speak.
I work and I study. I have to to enable me to pay the mortgage and better our future.
I do everything from take dd's to dance to swimming to clubs and every single parents evening. I organise their birthdays. I take them to parties. I sit and watch every single school play. Along with my mountain of washing and ironing and everything that comes with housework.
I have done it for years and kinda just got used to being busy and tired and a 0 social life but.....
For the last month or so I can not get back on the horse.
My 11 year old is a battle in herself.
She is over weight ( I blame myself as when I separated I threw myself into work/study to hold on to our home etc. My ex financially crippled me)
I was wondering if someone can please please advise me on what to do next?
Nothing I do is good enough.
I have joined a diet club and the gym. All she does is moan when I'm juggling childcare for the others to take her.
she wants to eat pizza and crisps everyday.
She won't try any new foods.
It's not all about the weight. She is never happy.
I took her to the cinema yesterday. She had 2 friends to sleep over Fri. Today she is moaning as I have to food shop and she want to go clothes shopping. She shouts and moans every single day. I have tried one to one with her as it's so difficult spreading your time with each child.
Everything is a battle and I can't cope anymore. As horrible as this sounds she makes my day harder. I feel anxious coming home to her just not knowing what she's going to moan about next. It's not just moaning. No matter how much I try to reason with her she then has a complete break down. Crying like a 2 year old. Shouting ' you don't love me' 'you don't care'
I just don't know how to do this anymore!
in order to manage u have to learn to ignore it I guess.
btw u are a heroine.
We are firmly in this territory with our 12 year old. I have stopped killing myself for her as nothing is good enough. It's like having a toddler again. Dh and I both work full time and have four children so we are exhausted.
Unfortunately talking to many parents this is a phase that will pass. Not easy but don't beat yourself up, it's not your fault.
Yes my 12 year old is the same. ALL the food I buy is crap and NEVER has any nice new clothes.
It's horrible isn't it?
Oh yes and I'm embarrassing and why aren't DH and I like all her mates' parents? Why do I dress weird? I could go on!
Start being assertive and stick with your gut.
Tell her no and mean it. When she cries like a baby leave the room.
Do not give more than you can emotionally manage she's being ridiculous so you need to tell her this. If you don't she will walk all over you!!
It is a bit like having a toddler again and they must be treated similar. You don't reason with a toddler, ignore the tantrums and give clear consistent boundaries with firm immediate consequences.
The whining I just don't entertain. I tell them I can't understand what they're saying when using that moany tone with a blank face and ignore until it's out of their voice.
At 11, unless she's obese, isn't it likely her weight is puppy fat and will sort itself out with puberty?
I would be very careful about making it an issue, as eating disorders are likely to start at this age. As long as she is active, I would encourage sports and activities, but wouldn't worry too much about diet, unless she's under the doctor about it.
Otherwise it sounds within normal boundaries, and you just need to koko until you come out the other side.
Mine had the courage to tell me today that she hates her room and wants an en suite bathroom, can she swap with me lol
I told her don't be ridiculous and she marched off in a strop "I hate my life"
I feel your pain op.
You are doing a marvellous job btw.
OK you are amazing and I agree with everyone else. I have a 12yo and sometimes they can be lovely other times a moody nightmare. They can't always help the mood swings. The other day I got told 'I'm stressed because you expect too much of me you need to stop treating me like an adult'. WTF - in my day we all hated our parents for treating us like children
Omg my 12 year old ds is in the throws of the hugest meltdown as we speak! It's utterly exhausting and it's worse than having a toddler tantrum.. the self pity and sheer anger at everything is so bloody frustrating, when he is so loved much and has everything he wants!
I deal with things better than my husband, but patience wears very very thin at times..no answers here but lots of sympathy..
Ps.. you have had a lot to deal with to put it mildly! Go easy on yourself x
It's horrible. My eldest went from being absolutely lovely to a vile person who suddenly hated me. He's fine now. He had a massive growth spurt and puberty hit and he directed all his frustrations at me.
Don't take it personally. She'll lose weight but restrict unhealthy food just like you've always done. Reward good and kind behaviour and try and ignore bad or make sure there are consequences. Don't sweat the small stuff. They're going through a difficult time and don't know how to channel it so take it out on the safest person that they trust the most.
Don't try to do too much.
Honestly it'll never be good enough.
She is looking at you to provide a magic cure for everything & wants everything her way.
Unfortunately she will just have to accept sometimes life isn't all about her.
They really are a nightmare. I have the same issue with DS1 and his dad. Sees his dad once a month and the sunshines out of his backside. Hates me (the person who does everything). I reassure myself that he behaves like this with me because he can, I'm safe, I'm secure, he can vent his frustrations and knows I'll love him unconditionally. But it is exhausting and I do try to (unsuccessfully most of the time) keep a dialogue open with him and point out when he's being ridiculous.
I've got 3dc's and I'm a lone parent and work FT too but get more free time than you OP. Can you ask your ex to interact more and see your DC's more?
Thankyou all so so much.
I am obviously not alone. Yes! It's exhausting!
Food shopping was an absolute nightmare today. Too much to type but all I have heard today is my own mouth shouting as I can not reason or do anything right.
I can't wait to go and have a hot bubble bath and hide for half hour.
I'm trying not to make 'dieting' an issue. No matter what I do its a battle.
I just can't remember being this awful to my mum at her age.
Thanks for all your messages. It helps!
I have literally begged my exH to help for the sake of our dc's but he just won't. I have been into her school twice as there is bullying going on. This was a huge worry. It's been so upsetting. He won't go in. He hasn't even been concerned. I had time off work to do so which isn't the problem. I just have to make the time up which then stopped my dc's going to a couple of after school activities. Of course, I was the ogre then. Just can't win!
My youngest has had hospital appointments. He doesn't even ask.
Of course I will have time off work any time I have to but it's got a knock on effect and I'm then the ogre as I'm not able to run them here there and everywhere. I tell them. I can't do it all. If my ex would do just something. Anything. It would help but he won't.
I feel like I'm moaning. I'm sorry. I'm just desperate as I feel emotionally and mentally exhausted.
The bullying will be a huge issue for her!! I would ensure that the school deals with this and don't let it go until it is dealt with properly.
Girlie time all cuddled up in your bed watching DVDs? You may even manage a sneaky nap for yourself?
I wouldn't bother your headspace communicating with your ex tbh have you any extended family or friends who you can spend time with to help change the dynamics for the day?
I think you need to stop taking on all her woes as being your fault if that makes sense? It's part of growing older finding your place in life and it's horrible tbh .
you are doing so well be kind to yourself.
OP you are doing an utterly heroic job. But you have GOT to play the long game.
Do you feel guilty about your twat of an ex? Well don't. Just don't.
How many pairs of hands do you have? One? Thought so.
She had cinema and two friends to sleepover? I'm a single parent and that's birthday-style weekend. Any whining after that need not be tolerated.
Look at the marvellous incredible job you are doing and take a deep breath and be massively proud of yourself and confident and know that you are doing more than enough for your 11yr old and screen out the whiny pre-teen selfish white noise!! Tell her to talk to the hand. It actually won't kill her.
The bullying is probably making her feel angry at home as she feels impotent when at school. Be very strident with the school - they are usually not very good at sorting out bullying and will only be active if the parent is pushy. Read up on the anti bullying policy and hold them to it or take it higher!
When your DD is demanding/tantruming take a big deep breath and put the shields up around you - let it all wash over you and when she is spent tell her calmly how much you love you and what you can do to help - let the answers come from her. Discuss how you might be able to meet some of her demands.
As others have said don't sweat the small stuff.
Can you get shopping delivered? I have a DD with SN and going to the supermarket was a nightmare. It is well worth the cost of delivery and being able to order just what I need (and not what would be demanded) to avoid the hassle. Some shops have free delivery slots/days.
You sound amazing - it must be really hard not having the support of your Ex.
Sounds as though you're doing an excellent job! I'm in the same position, and it's my tween DD who's morphed into a monster! Gee, I did not see that coming!
Tantrums, and emotional angst, crying that she's fat (she's a wee bit chubby but will stretch) the works!
Great hearing all the stories that it will get better! xx
A small suggestion in the scheme of things but have you tried doing an online shop to avoid the need to visit the supermarket for food shopping?
It might not be much consolation to you now, but when DD has kids of her own she'll realise what a kind, patient mum she had herself.
I don't have extended family. I am sorting g the bullying. I won't have it! It will be sorted. I'm just struggling with absolutely everything right now.
This is why I posted as I need all of your help. I am so grateful. I don't have anyone to ask or talk to. It's all got a little too much. Some days I want to run away. Obviously I won't. It's just how I feel.
Now you have mentioned that about this weekend. It's true she has had everything she wanted. I just can't make her see that. I can't reason with her. I must find the strength to keep trying. I suppose it is a guilt thing. They only have me. I'm just trying to make her happy.
Thankyou I needed to read this so so much today!
Posted and the had more messages....
Thankyou all. It means alot.
I should really try having it delivered. I am going to actually start doing that as of next week.
My gosh I feel better knowing I'm not alone.
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