Husband lying.

[motheroftwojedi]

I'm fairly new here and am aware this topic has been done hundreds of times before but I could really do with offloading as I am too embarrassed to say anything to anyone in real life.

Me and my husband have been married 10 years, together for 12. We have 2 DC (6&2). Up until DC2 was born we have had a happy fulfilling relationship troubled at times by debts.

Since DS2 was born our eldest son was diagnosed with ASD and ADHD and the challenges this brings has put a strain on us especially as his challenging behaviour and unusual traits became more apparent around the time I fell pregnant. DH has struggled with adjusting to us becoming a family of four and I have to carry much, if not all of the responsibilities in terms of family life as well as juggling a full time job. That said, DH will always help out with housework and childcare. It's just he wouldn't initiate it, I would need to ask/tell him what needs to be done.

DH has always had mental health issues (severe anxiety and depression) but it has largely been well controlled for the last 7 years. However he has always struggled with anything emotional and treats emotions/ feelings as facts. We now suspect he may also be on the autistic spectrum and he is undergoing investigation for this.

When we first met he used to smoke, drink and take some recreational drugs (mostly weed when we met but prior to that he had experimented widely). This was not an issue for me. I didn't used to smoke or do drugs but it didn't bother me that he did- his body, his choice etc.

He always said that when we wanted children he would stop and I thought that was a good idea. He gave up smoking 9 years ago but became addicted to nicotine gum (£30 a week habit). He finally kicked this about a year ago which was a blessing financially.

Things were strained financially due to his flippant and irresponsible attitude to money and so I have started to take control of the finances to get us out of debt once and for all. In addition to this he would often become shouty towards the boys and this is something I dislike strongly as they were becoming anxious as he could be unpredictable.

We have been doing a course for parents of children with ASD alongside a CAP money course and I genuinely felt that things were improving as a family and that we were on the same page in terms of managing our family life and our finances.

Yesterday I woke up about 1.35am and he wasn't in bed (this is not always unusual as he sometimes falls asleep downstairs after having taken the dog out for a walk) so I went downstairs and found him asleep on the sofa and a vaping device on the floor next to him.

I asked him about it and he said he had started vaping because he couldn't resist the temptation of people smoking in work. The thing is I know he's been working alone since Christmas so questioned him further and actually he's been smoking weed again and this is what triggered him to want start smoking again. This apparently has been going on for a while (not sure how long) and he's been paying for things in cash so I won't find out. The times when he claims to be smoking weed is at band practice but that's an hours drive away which means he is driving home stoned.

I feel utterly betrayed by the deception and deliberate covering up (paying by cash so no trace) especially as I am trying to sort out our finances and have sacrificed so much to sort out our money (can't afford new shoes- mine are leaking) but he can afford drugs and the like. I don't know what other things he is lying about. I also think he's being hugely irresponsible. He is a father and husband yet still acts like a teenager with no responsibility.

He says he was finding life hard and couldn't talk about it to me and this was a coping strategy. I think that's a rubbish excuse as I had tried hard to engage with him emotionally and he kept shutting me out.

I don't know what to do. I love him.
Things have been better lately and he's being calmer at home and the DCs seem more settled and calm. I had taken the DC to my parents for a bit so he could think about what he wanted as I wasn't going to stand by and let them be hurt by his unreasonable behaviour. This seemed to act as a wake up call to him. Things really were looking up.

But it's the lies. The irresponsibility. The feeling that it was my fault for his behaviour.

I guess I am looking for an objective view on the situation.

Sorry it's so long. I didn't want to drip feed. And thanks for taking the time to read.

[Emmageddon]

Gosh, you have a lot to contend with. Your husband has begun to behave like your 3rd child, a rebellious, irresponsible teenage one, who wants to smoke weed and vape behind your back, not an adult husband and father of two.

His behavior is NOT your fault. You say you love him, but love isn't enough when you have the responsibilities that you both have. You have to decide what is best for your family - dad going his own way with his various 'coping strategies', pissing money you don't have up the wall in the meantime, or a trial separation, where you leave him/ask him to leave, and see how it goes.

[happypoobum]

Well of course he is calmer, he's stoned!

I couldn't live like this, so sorry for you

[SandyY2K]

The problem is once a person has been a habitual user of any drugs, it's not that easy to give up.

He may have had every intention of giving up, but he was unable to because it's addictive.

If he could only vape and give up the weed, would you be okay with that?

[motheroftwojedi]

Thanks for your replies.

I hadn't considered that his drug taking may be what's making him calmer!

I am not overly concerned with him vaping or doing weed (apart from when he is driving) although obviously I am disappointed as he had worked so hard to quit. It's the deceitfulness that hurt me.

I think the comment that he is acting like a rebellious teenager is spot on. He's nearly 40 and needs to start taking some responsibility.

It's hard to know if this is just a phase and whether things can change. It's hard to know if there are other things he's lied about. I feel really confused.

[herwegoagain123]

By being cool about drugs is enabling him. He's an addict that's why he finds it so easy to be deceitful.
Set your rules and boundries and stick to it.

[Isetan]

Despite being the heavy lifter in the relationship, it's him whose finding life difficult. The dynamic in your relationship is that you're the one who takes responsibility and he's the one who acts out and let's be honest, you've enabled his acting out by picking up his slack.

I get the impression that you've been waiting for him to be someone else but his character is of someone who knows they don't have to fully step up because 'Mum's at home'. The lies, as disappointing as they are, are just part of the rebebellious teen schtick that his perfected and you've made excuses for, over the years.

Driving while stoned is appalling and the contempt on display is staggering. It really is high time you stop making excuses for him but you do need to accept that his behaviour is a reflection of his character and that the grown up him may never really show up.

You can not change him, your responsibility begins and ends in looking after yourself and your children.

[motheroftwojedi]

You are all absolutely right and I have known in my heart of hearts that I am expecting a change which might never happen.

Sometimes it takes an objective person (strangers) to point out the inevitable.

I will have a think and need to make some big decisions.