I really need some support and outside views on my current situation at home.
I've been married for 19 months to DH and we have twins aged 3.5yrs. We've had our ups and downs, but DH has a history of aggressive outbursts and uncontrollable binge drinking. His outbursts are not frequent - usually one every 9 months - and I've decided to just live with them for the sake of keeping a family unit for my children. Usually he 'flips' from an amazing nice guy, to being absolutely toxic, insulting and verbally aggressive. They outbursts usually last for 1 - 3 days, I give him space, and then he decides when they end, and I usually know about it when he starts hassling me for sex. We then move on and things get back to normal (although he won't engage in talking about what happened, or has ever said sorry for his behaviour or the things he says when he's having an outburst). I accept that he has some issues from a difficult childhood, and I try to support him and give him the space that he needs. When he's not having an episode, he is a good man, who works hard and the kids love him.
However...... we are currently in the middle of the worst bout of aggression I have ever experienced, and it's really affecting me and I don't know if I can keep living in fear of him anymore. I've been doing some research, and have come to the shocking conclusion that I'm being emotionally abused and that he is a manipulative bully. I'm kind of shocked, as I'm asking myself how I could have got into a situation like this, I mean, I would have thought I could see it coming, but have been somewhat blindsided by this. I just need some external opinion, and some clarity that what I'm experiencing really isn't acceptable.
DH is freezing me out and using the silent treatment, but won't say why! Last Thursday (9th March) he came home from work with a beautiful bunch of flowers for me. He hardly ever buys me flowers, but he said he wanted to, for no reason, and then spent all evening telling me he loved me so much. It was a bit unusual, but lovely. The next day, on Friday morning, I was woken up by him groping me in bed. I batted his hand off - not bc I didn't want to engage - but bc I had been woken up and was a bit shocked and fuzzy/still asleep. He seemed to be annoyed by this, and got up and went to shower before I had even come around from my sleep. Then he wouldn't talk to me or look at me, and stormed out the door to work. Didn't call me at lunch (usually he does every day) and came home that night and wouldn't talk to me. That night he stayed up all night drinking and got blind drunk on a bottle of whisky and a bottle of vodka (I know, serious amounts of booze) - he was up until 5am drinking.
The next day, Saturday, we were supposed to be going for a family lunch with relatives. At 11am he was still drunk and slurring as I tried to get him up and ready. I told him he looked a mess and stank, and he started saying awful things to me like, "Noone would blame me if I left you. NO-ONE." and "Wait til you see what it feels like to be alone". I was really shocked as it all just came out of nowhere. We had a huge row and he told me to f**k off and go to lunch without him, which I happily did and we had a lovely time. We came home at 5.30pm and he was still passed out in bed drunk and hadn't moved all day.
Ever since then, he has refused to speak to me. He literally just ignores anything I say to him. With anyone else, and the kids, he is normal - smiley, happy, fun, - but he acts as if I don't even exist.
He's been ignoring me for 10 days now. I have talked to him and said I want to talk about things - he ignores me. I have got upset, and asked why he is doing this - he ignores me. I have laughed at him for his childish behaviour - he ignores me. He did say a few things the other night, he said "Well, giving you the silent treatment is clearly working isn't it? The quality of the meals served has improved, the house is clean and you're looking after the kids" .... I was GOBsmacked. He basically just admitted that his freezing me out was designed to manipulate me into being a 'better housewife'.
He is now doing petty things like putting on the laundry, but not washing my items. Or, cleaning up the kitchen, but not touching anything that I might have used. He's now doing things like telling the kids "we are going to the Aquarium without mummy", and takes them off without me.
He's freezing me out, but also manipulating my kids to be on his side. They're only 3.5yrs old so they have no idea what's going on.
Last night I went for dinner with a friend because I needed some space. I left him at home with the kids. When I got home, there was a kebab wrapper in the kitchen. I asked how he had got a kebab, and he answered "I went and got one", I asked where the kids were, he said "in their room". So - he went out to get food and LEFT OUR BABIES ALONE IN THE HOUSE!!!! Am I wrong for thinking this is completely unacceptable???? I don't care if he was only 10 mins, it is not acceptable to leave two 3.5yr olds alone in the house at night, right?
I would also like to add that he has a history of watching teenage porn, and has voiced some seriously concerning attitudes towards women previously. He is South African and does have a history of a difficult chidlhood - mentally ill mother, father who abandoned him etc. He's been in a lot of therapy over the years to try and get on top of his baggage, but this is starting to scare me now.
So sorry for the long post, but I had to get it all out.
I feel like I'm stuck with a monster who is making me afraid to be in my own home, and I'm worried for my children's safety.
Am I going crazy, or does this sound like emotional abuse to anyone else?
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Am I being emotionally abused.....?
26 replies
Skyblue81 · 19/03/2017 10:35
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