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Why am I stuck on this man?

(19 Posts)
lovesick25 Sun 19-Mar-17 09:40:37

I met a man last year. We got on amazingly well, he is gorgeous, we had great chemistry, I've never experienced sex like it.
He is funny, intelligent, successful with a great group of friends. I thought he was too good for me but he seemed keen.

We dated for around 8 months. Then we were both relocating to new jobs. We both sort of knew this but it was becoming the elephant in the room so I asked him where I stood. He didn't want to try long distance, in his job he moves a lot and said it has never worked for him. So we broke up. I carried on seeing him every few weeks and it would always be the same - great sex, him saying he misses me, amazing conversation and then we would go our separate ways. I'm pretty sure he wasn't dating someone else at this point.

I moved away in November as planned. Right before this the job he was going to fell through. I went 2 months no contact as I was upset about this (it being in my eyes the reason for us breaking up for no reason now). But we got back in touch and last week after 4 months met up again and it was just the same.

This time I can't be sure he isn't dating someone else as it's been so long. He's not in a good headspace at all though. I've come away from this feeling absolutely distraught as I still love him. I've accepted nothing is going to develop but I still hurt so much. I don't know if I ever meant anything to him and it's tearing me apart.

Why am I so stuck on this guy after all this time and attempts to get over him? I want to move on because he can't give me what I want really but he is just like a drug.

iremembericod Sun 19-Mar-17 09:44:19

I think I'd really try to just meet someone else to get him out of my head.

I know that's possibly not the 'ideal, strong woman' solution but it works.

It's not the right time and place for this relationship to work. You can find someone that is in a position that works for that!

shesnotme Sun 19-Mar-17 09:52:14

I don't get it, you had moved so it was still LD?

Right person, wrong time?

Have you had a frank convo with him? If he doesn't want a relationship, you can accept FWB or try and move on.

Good luck!

lovesick25 Sun 19-Mar-17 09:52:16

I've tried doing this but no one ever matches up so I just end up going back.

lovesick25 Sun 19-Mar-17 09:54:48

I moved in November but knew this was happening around august. He also said he was moving away but hadn't said where or when. Knowing that I was getting feelings for him I asked him where he was moving and when, he said November also and that's when the LDR conversation came up.

Between then and November we carried on meeting up. Then since I moved I haven't seen him, up until last week.

I've told him how I feel before. I also got drunk on Saturday and text him a stupid message but he hasn't replied.

I want to move on as I hate myself. But I just can't.

shesnotme Sun 19-Mar-17 09:58:09

There is need to hate yourself. Give him time to reply if he doesn't, you have choices.

lovesick25 Sun 19-Mar-17 10:13:04

I do know he doesn't want a relationship though. This might out me but it is a forces job. He tried to leave but can't for four years due to return of service, hence why he's not in a good headspace. The reality is he will be posted at some point.
I guess I just want to know that at some point in he past he did like me.

If he doesn't reply I presume he thinks I'm crazy. I don't know what my options would be then.

TheNaze73 Sun 19-Mar-17 10:29:28

I think he did, just the wrong person at the wrong time. For a lot of people, a strong sexual connection & relationship can overrule everything.

Isetan Sun 19-Mar-17 10:58:00

He just ain't into you. Accept it and move on or, waste your time making an increasingly desperate fool of yourself.

lovesick25 Sun 19-Mar-17 11:25:11

But how do you even move on when a) no one will match up to him and therefore b) it means you're not good enough for what you want?

Do I just give up on everyone and stay single forever?

Shayelle Sun 19-Mar-17 11:30:40

You keep saying 'no one will match up to him', but thats a self fulfilling prophecy. It hasnt even been 5 minutes, truth is you dont WANT to move on from him.

lovesick25 Sun 19-Mar-17 13:22:52

I do want to get over him, but I've dated a lot and no one has even come close. I just want to know how to accept you're not good enough for what you want.

FizzyJapes Sun 19-Mar-17 13:35:09

aahhh ... OP flowers

Its hard if someone you're really into, doesn't reciprocate in the way you'd like.

To make matters better or worse you've actually had a conversation about it, so at least you are assertive enough to do that.

He may just be a fool who can't see your worth, but unfortunately you can't "make him". And that is maybe what is upsetting you most - he can't see your true value really, though happy to continue with things in the same way, even though it is not what you want and is affecting you negatively. All this is naturally upsetting and not good for your self-esteem. If I were you I'd try to focus more on building your self-respect and self-esteem. I am guessing but reckon, deep down, you don't feel good enough for him. When you should. You are the prize, remember.

Isetan Sun 19-Mar-17 18:08:05

Here's a gentle slap. If he was so damn perfect you wouldn't be on here, you're idolising a fantasy and unsurprising most people don't match up to those. As for not being good enough, with that attitude you really are setting yourself up to be taken advantage of and maybe you are better off not being in a relationship right now with such a warped attitude.

Him not being into you, isn't because there's something wrong with you it just means that he's not into you. A more productive and rewarding investment of your energies might be with talking to someone to help you work through your feelings of inadequacy.

lovesick25 Sun 19-Mar-17 18:51:39

Thanks everyone. I don't know why I can't snap out of it. I've sobbed almost all day - even through 12 miles of running this morning - everything seems hopeless.

Pretty much every man I've fallen for hasn't liked me enough in return, and those that have have always ended up cheating. So I guess it's pretty obvious I'm just not enough for anyone.

Plentyoffishnets Sun 19-Mar-17 19:34:01

Lovesick, you may well be aware of it already but take a look at the baggage reclaim website and /or her book "Mr unavailable and the fallback girl" I am work in progress on this but it is so illuminating and great to help you work through issues of going for guys who aren't or don't want to be in a relationship and for those of us who keep falling for them

lovesick25 Sun 19-Mar-17 19:59:42

Ive read quite a few of these but again, thinking of myself as just his 'fallback girl' makes me feel hideous.

shesnotme Sun 19-Mar-17 21:51:48

You just havent met the one. You are

Usermuser Mon 20-Mar-17 07:01:45

Lovesick, if all the guys you like have either not really liked you back or have cheated, maybe you're unconsciously drawn to guys who are unavailable or don't treat you well. Your self esteem seems a bit low which would tie in with that. Plus humans often want the things we can't have. I remember having a phase of thinking a guy was lovely but as soon as he liked me, I'd lose interest because I'd assume that he couldn't be worth much if he liked me. I'd work on your self esteem. You do that and find you'll go for guys that are nice to you.

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