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Dating a man who is seeing someone else

(86 Posts)
magdaboom Sun 19-Mar-17 09:05:32

Hi all, I need some healthy perspective on a situation that is starting to bother me quite a bit. Long post, I am afraid.

I have been seeing this man for a month or so. I am nearly 28 and he is 45, so there is a significant age gap there. We are both single and no DC. We met at work, althought we don't work together directly.

We hit off really well and things have progressed quite quickly. We usually meet 2/3 times a week, we have dinner, I sleep at his, then we go out for a walk and breakfast the next day. All very lovely.

I got out of a LTR 6 months ago and I was not looking for another relationship, so at first I thought this was only going to be a casual thing.

He has been very vocal about his feelings for me, recently told me he is falling for me, that I am different from other women and blablabla. I don't know if I trust his words, although it is obviously nice to hear them. I am a lot more cautious about expressing my feelings so I don't really say much in comparison.

Last week he dropped in while I was having a drink with 3 friends and took us all for an impromptu dinner which he paid for. I was quite impressed as it was the first time he met any of my friends (I met some of his friends already) and he acted quite "boyfriend-like". It feels like things are heading towards relationship territory.

Now here's the problem: he has also been seeing this 21 years old woman for a couple of months. Apparently she is a virgin for religious reasons and they don't have sex, they go on dates and I guess they kiss/ maybe do foreplay. From how he talks about her it sounds like a casual thing, but then who knows?

He was always very open about it since the beginning, so it is not like he deceived me. At first I genuinely did not care, as I thought it was going to remain a casual thing between us.

But now I am starting to be bothered by the idea that he is seeing this woman. I also can't understand the nature of that situation, something sounds off to me.

At the same time it is such an early stage of dating that I feel it would be wrong to express these feelings. We are not dating exclusively and I am ok with that. I actually would not mind if he was dating around, but the idea of him consistently having some sort of a relationship with another woman is somewhat annoying me. I haven't been on dates since I started seeing him, but I am going on a date this coming week, partially to see if that makes me feel different about the whole situation.

I am considering to take some distance from this man as a result of the fact that he is seeing this woman. I feel like if I keep getting more involved, it will only get worse and I will potentially end up being hurt.

What do you all think? Should I end things now? Or am I overthinking this?

unicornpoopoop Sun 19-Mar-17 09:08:52

If he's falling for you, why is he still seeing someone else? I think you need to discuss where your relationship is going and if he has any intentions of being exclusive with you at any point.

Neverknowing Sun 19-Mar-17 09:14:11

I think if he was honest with you it shouldn't matter too much but it rings alarm bells with me that it's this early and he's saying he's falling for you. I'm a sceptic though. I would tell him it makes you uncomfortable and go from there!

JustSpeakSense Sun 19-Mar-17 09:17:47

I think you need to tell him that you are beginning to have feelings for him and do not want him to date other woman and see how he reacts.

Alarm bells are ringing though, nice guys don't date two woman at the same time, and also why as a 45 yo is he seeking out relationships with such young woman (he sounds sleezy) and paying for everything makes me think 'sugar daddy' I'm sorry if I've got the wrong impression of him.

Meowstro Sun 19-Mar-17 09:20:59

You were casually dating before so no alarm bells about him seeing other people but now he says he's falling for you, that needs to end. It's time you have "the talk" if he's at that stage already but I'd also be skeptical about him saying this after a month of so, what has he told OW. After you discuss where you're at, take it slowly.

juneau Sun 19-Mar-17 09:22:50

why as a 45 yo is he seeking out relationships with such young woman (he sounds sleezy)

This ^

He's 45 and he's dating a 28-year-old and a 21-year-old? I appreciate that many people are in happy relationships with large age gaps, but he strikes me as either rather immature or a sleazebag. And the PP is right about this too: nice guys don't date two woman at the same time because they just don't. If you really like someone you don't two-time them. It's as simple as that. He's making a mug out of you and you're giving it your blessing.

InTheMoodForLove Sun 19-Mar-17 09:23:31

45 and 2 GF early twenties ? and a virgin ? naaaah
OP you had your experience, time to move on.
Of course he looked so "boyfriend-like" with your mates. He has 20yr more experience than you to interact socially (to his advantage)
You could all be his kids

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 Sun 19-Mar-17 09:25:46

I would guess he is trying to have sex with a virgin.

And i would also guess the falling for you is bs or he wouldnt be pursuing another woman.

Why not discuss the change? Since he is the one suggesting there hasnbeen a chane

KatieScarlett Sun 19-Mar-17 09:26:09

Urgh. Tell him you're not interested in being part of his harem. Unless you are?

geordiedench Sun 19-Mar-17 09:26:51

In that situation as soon as he started saying he had feelings for me I'd laugh and then say, but you still see other women. Men get very thrown when you laugh at actions they'd assumed they could make you fall for. Refuse to take him seriously or fall for his smooth talk until his actions match his words.

JoJoSM2 Sun 19-Mar-17 09:26:54

OMG...Have some self-respect. I wouldn't be ok with it at all. If you have sex and have met each other's friends, then I'd expect 100% exclusivity regardless of whether you'd call each other bf/gf yet or not. To be honest, the guy sounds like a psycho and a manipulator.

Littleballerina Sun 19-Mar-17 09:29:40

of course they don't sleep together. Keep telling yourself that.

TheNaze73 Sun 19-Mar-17 09:31:54

I think he's free to do what he wants & maybehowever, if I were you, I'd end it, if he's falling for you.

PurpleDaisies Sun 19-Mar-17 09:32:04

Irony think a woman who is a virgin for "religious reasons" would be happy dating someone who is having sex with someone else. That just doesn't make sense to me. Strong enough religious views that they won't have sex themselves but they don't care about what the guy they're dating does?

I think you're being spun a yarn here.

PurpleDaisies Sun 19-Mar-17 09:32:24

Irony should be "I don't".

Fanciedachange17 Sun 19-Mar-17 09:33:07

End it my lovely. This Guy is a creep hanging around with girls young enough to be his daughters. Probably because most women his age will see straight through him.

Bluntness100 Sun 19-Mar-17 09:37:50

I don't think I believe the line she's a virgin and religious.

I'd also wholeheartedly agree, a 45 year old man dating a 21 and 27 year old. Sleazy. Particularly the 21 year old. He sees you two or theee times a week and he sees her the times he is not seeing you.

If you're not using condoms I'd get an sti check and Id end it.

Bluntness100 Sun 19-Mar-17 09:40:12

And he's lying op, I'm sorry, and not just on the mad she's a virgin and we don't have sex thing, he is also lying about falling for you as if he would have ended it with the other woman.

BertsBlanket Sun 19-Mar-17 09:49:37

He's hedging his bets, having his cake and eating it, whatever you want to call it.

Is that really the foundation you'd like to a meaningful relationship?

I wouldn't even give him the chance to end it; the fact that he hasn't already of his own accord speaks volumes. Move on. Sorry flowers

thethoughtfox Sun 19-Mar-17 10:03:02

This is grim. You are better than this. Older sleaze targeting young women.

TurnipCake Sun 19-Mar-17 10:07:22

You're being played like a fiddle

And 'You're not like other women I've met' I don't trust guys who use this line

HappyJanuary Sun 19-Mar-17 10:22:34

I know a guy like this. He likes younger women because they think he's mature and sophisticated while more experienced women can see he's a sleazy creep. He openly admits they're 'more innocent' and 'easily impressed'. Preying on women the same age as his kids? Ewww.

JK1773 Sun 19-Mar-17 10:48:22

He sounds like a right creep IMO. You don't date 2 women if you are 'falling for' someone. A 21 year old virgin??? Seriously? Why would you want to be with someone who is trying to get into the knickers of another young woman? Yuk

magdaboom Sun 19-Mar-17 10:51:25

Thank you all for your kind advices.

I just want to make clear that I entered this casual arrangement knowing that he was seeing her and as such I don't feel like I've been played. I knew what I was signing up for and I willingly decided to start seeing him.

I am now starting to feel uncomfortable with the arrangement, but until now I happily went along with it as it suited my needs very well.

Trollspoopglitter Sun 19-Mar-17 10:53:58

Cultural? Marry the young virgin and have the western "experienced" girlfriend for side sex. He wouldn't ever consider you marriage material as he expects to marry a "good" girl from a "good, reputable" family.

He may be falling for you, but all he'll offer is that your his bit on the side.

There may be a well-rehearsed script about how you understand him the way this traditional girl never will, your soul mates, but he can't go against the family, his mother suddenly on her deathbed should he actually try to defy her and date only you, etc.

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