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DH is torn about new job offer, so am I.

(83 Posts)
Twopeapods Sun 19-Mar-17 08:16:28

DH has always worked 10 minute walk from home. He has flexi time, good holidays and a good pension scheme. The pay is OK. We can pay our bills but there isn't much left over. We usually book a week at a caravan once a year on the credit card and pay it off over a few months. He is home at lunch, and for dinner and we both put our DDs to bed.

A job opportunity has came up that he is really torn about. It's a company that he deals with through work. It's about DOUBLE the salary, but he could potentially be working away during the week. Just home weekends.

We have just had a week of hell with our two DDs being quite ill requiring two night time out of hours visits and if something like this happened I would be worried on my own, having to drag both girls to hospital in middle of the night etc. Also being on my own during the week for the bedtime routine and basically doing everything myself. I also have to work Saturdays, so we only have a Sunday together, so it would just seem like we would not see each other much.
We are paying off a loan which has less than two years left and once this clears we would be much better financially anyway. So in his current job things would get easier anyway. And once our DDs are both at school (2&5) I could go back an extra day. I have said the money would be nice, but money isn't everything. He is really torn. Jobwise he would prefer to work for the new company. But he says he doesn't want to be away from us.

Can anyone give me any advice if their partners work away? Did you cope well? Does it put strain on a relationship? He has never spent a night away and we are a team.

TheSparrowhawk Sun 19-Mar-17 08:19:56

Can you move closer to the new job?

LadyintheRadiator Sun 19-Mar-17 08:22:03

Personally if you're managing financially, and there is potential for that to be better anyway (as you describe) I'd pick family time over money.

anotherdayanothersquabble Sun 19-Mar-17 08:22:58

Double his salary is quite something. Presumably you could negotiate no longer working on Saturdays and I would move.. no point in commuting Monday to Friday presumably adding the cost of accomodation especially as your children are not yet in school.

lampshady Sun 19-Mar-17 08:24:04

I'm a single parent so don't know what it's like to have support, but it could potentially breed resentment if you feel as if you're doing all the shit work and he feels as if he's working all hours. I grew up with my dad working away all week and I know he regrets it.

Can you work on your career instead? Fill in the financial gap that way?

Batteriesallgone Sun 19-Mar-17 08:25:17

DH works away a lot.

It's hard. It really is. His work varies location so no chance to be near to it IYSWIM but if he was in one location we'd move near to it in a heartbeat.

DH works a day or two at weekends sometimes too after working away so I've experienced the whole only spending one day together thing - I'll be honest it makes my heart hurt.

Luckily his job is flexible so all the working away is made up for by quite a lot of holiday and time at home on weekdays sometimes. That makes it all worth it.

Astro55 Sun 19-Mar-17 08:26:00

Double salary would be great in the future -

DH worked away a lot 3 under 2 - it's quite possible to do the day to day stuff alone and you find friends help pick up the slack knowing you're on your own!

DH earning potential will only increase- and you could live and go more part time

Lapinlapin Sun 19-Mar-17 08:28:13

I think the new job certainly sounds very tempting if it's double the salary and he would be happier doing it.

I think I'd want to know more about the 'potentially' working away. Does this mean business trips to different places or based in one location?

ILikeSalmon Sun 19-Mar-17 08:28:29

My OH works away 5 days a week sleeping there 4/5 nights
His two days off per week are when I am at work
I work full time and we have 3 kids.
So we get no days off together.

So already you're in a better boat than me.

Once you're used to it it's fine

frenchfancy Sun 19-Mar-17 08:29:05

Work to live or live to work? I think you seem to have a good work life balance. I would stay as you are while the kids are small. Their relationship with their dad is worth a lot of money.

Oly5 Sun 19-Mar-17 08:32:05

Double the salary could sort your finances out and give you savings. Could you agree he does it, say, for two years and then you reevaluate? You can go solo during the week if you put your mind to it - lots of people do it.

Crumbs1 Sun 19-Mar-17 08:32:38

I've been there. We were a simple class teacher and stay at home mother - we managed, just, but knew long term with another baby we wanted more. We decided to allow his career to take precedence. We moved 250 miles away for promotion which came with a bigger house. We knew nobody. He worked all hours, started a masters and NPQH so was away a lot. First week, daughter ended up in hospital and I had a baby. It was horrid but actually others were incredibly kind. The office staff stepped in to help and quickly became surrogate grannies/aunts.
He moved to another job where he was away three nights a week. I'd got a bit more used to managing but we'd moved house again and I had five children by then. I developed confidence in my own parenting and ability. I worked half time for sanity, had a good friends network and delightful neighbours, who again became surrogate grannies, treating the children, babysitting, collecting from school etc. They said it gave them a new lease of life as their own children had flown but not had babies yet and they were early retired and feeling like they were in limbo.
My husband had to work much harder at staying in touch as a parent and his time at home had to focus on the children. It as tough sometimes and I'd be lying if I said there weren't occasional resentments and arguments. He had to go to conferences a lot so we just upped sticks as a family and went with him. The deal was always he'd go but needed a suite big enough for the family, a babysitter and conference dinner tickets that included me. The children have happy memories from around the UK and Europe of collecting bagloads of 'freebies', hotel swimming pools and conference buffet lunches where they met lots of famous people (politicians rather than pop stars usually) and were treated like mini royalty because six tinies all looking like the Von Trapps or Waltons are cute.
Routine is key to success but so is a sense of humour, determination to make it work and self confidence.

Twopeapods Sun 19-Mar-17 08:34:02

The work could be based anywhere in UK. But also could be based within a commutable distance just the same.
I have my own business, a retail company, and Saturdays are when I am most likely to get new custom so I like to be there. It's a hard very niche market so I could train someone but would take a while.

The boss of new company also said they are trying to change the way they do things, so he might be able to leave Monday morning and be back Thursday evening with a Friday working from home.

He also said that during holidays we could actually book somewhere and go away and have some nice holidays with the kids. Like I said it would be nice, but not essential.

Wheresthattomoibabber Sun 19-Mar-17 08:34:40

Dont forget that double the salary won't mean that - take off tax, national insurance, travel costs, meal costs, any extra childcare you would have to pay, reduction in tax credits and it may look very different.

Underthemoonlight Sun 19-Mar-17 08:34:57

If my dh had a chance to earn double we would snap there hands off even( we have three DC) if he meant working away sometimes you've got to make sacrifices to get further up in the employment ladder. I think if he doesn't take it he would regret it.

chocolateshortcake Sun 19-Mar-17 08:35:04

My dh works away. I suppose we are lucky in that when he's not away he is a 10 min walk from the office and he can do nursery pick ups, dinner and bed.
When he is away I manage. I also work full time but my base is an hours drive away so while the work in the house is all mine, the pressure to get home in time at rush hour is worse than managing dc on my own at home. We only have one at the moment though.
I think I would say go for the new job. It will be tough for a couple of years until your 2 year old starts school but long term financial security would make up for that. Have you got family support around you? That would make it much easier - if one dd was ill would there be a grandma or close friend that could come and sit with the other dd? I haven't got that and I so wish I did.

I actually find it easier to manage the tidying/cleaning when dh is away as he is a contributor to the mess grin

I should say, dh doesn't work away every week. Usually about three weeks in four.

Sunshineandlaughter Sun 19-Mar-17 08:37:30

We are in similar position and I am saying don't take new job. I've asked that he looks for more appropriate new roles. I'm sure this isn't the only new job available to your oh. Money isn't as important as family

Crumbs1 Sun 19-Mar-17 08:38:54

Sorry missed out whether it was worth it? At the time, not always. Now, absolutely. If we hadn't made the sacrifices that allowed him onto first couple of rungs of promotional ladder he might be a provincial head and we'd still have a large mortgage and be just managing with university etc. That move helped him become one of the highest paid in his profession so we can have the larger house, no financial worries, help the children and we both have jobs where we feel we make a real difference. When I developed cancer, we could afford to send the children boarding to minimise the disruption around exams. We can pay for university. Conferences are now international and I get fantastic holidays around the world out of it. I love my life, I like being able to give the children deposits for houses and cars.
Depends what you want.

BikeRunSki Sun 19-Mar-17 08:42:48

Sorry, I've done the big(ger) salary, working away etc and proximity to home and flexi time etc now wins for me hands down.

Cricrichan Sun 19-Mar-17 08:44:16

Is this type of job offer likely to come up again? Also, has he got the potential to move up in his current company? If he takes the offer, is it likely to lead to better things eventually?

Double the salary means how much in real terms? How much better off will you be? Who would pay for his food, accommodation and transport when he's away?

Twopeapods Sun 19-Mar-17 08:45:51

Yes my in laws and my parents are within 10 minutes drive. Mine are already retired and are getting on a bit with a few health issues creeping in. (They had me quite late), his parents are mid fifties and taking early retirement next year together and said they will be happy help with girls more. They are all hands on anyway.

We have no savings currently and would like that to change desperately. The children have more money in savings than us!

He could do it for a couple years for experience with potentially coming back to the local authority. He has always worked for local authority and has good experience in different departments.

gleam Sun 19-Mar-17 08:46:17

It seems to me you have a great work- life balance now. Things will improve financially fairly soon in the great scheme of things, you have said, so in your shoes, I'd stick with what you've got.

My dh has worked away a lot. Although I coped, I would have preferred your set-up.

shirleycartersaidso Sun 19-Mar-17 08:46:19

I had similar recently and got offered a job that was £40k more than I am on but I would have lost the flexi hours that I have now and wouldn't be able to drop the kids to school or pick them up a couple of days a week like I do now and would have been home past their bed time most of the time.

I decided to stay where I am they're only 6 and still need me and I don't want to miss them growing up.

Porpoises Sun 19-Mar-17 08:48:39

Can you use the new offer to try to negotiate a raise with his current employer?

It sounds like a dream how much time he gets with the kids at the moment, it would be a shame to lose that.

Twopeapods Sun 19-Mar-17 08:51:15

His accommodation and food is covered when he would be away, as would be the travelling expenses.
The job is in IT consultancy, but he has been endorsed by a couple of the consultants to the boss, who he has spoken to and wants him on board. I'm maybe giving too much away now.
The job could sort us out and set us up financially. We moved a couple years ago and have a big mortgage, a loan and a car to pay off. The car and loan have less than two years left anyway. They come to £500 per month so once that's gone we could start saving that.

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