Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Am I really hard work - or is DH BU?

(41 Posts)
JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff Sat 18-Mar-17 22:03:00

DH and I have a very loving and close relationship and he is a SUPER dad. We do not have real problems.

But.... we have very different approaches to admin/ sorting things out, and recently we have been clashing in stuff. I don't know which of us is right. I always want to plan in advance and double check things, but he thinks this is controlling.

Eg: we are going to NY soon. We have not been able to afford a foreign holiday since 2009 and DH has never been to the US. So this is a big deal. Therefore I want to make sure everything goes smoothly. I renewed my and DD passports before Xmas. DH wanted to wait to do his as "it only takes a week or so". My attitiude was, the passport office says to allow 6 weeks before you travel, and also of course sometimes things go wrong. So why not do it as early as poss?

Or, when we booked the flights, we booked seats but they could not send us confirmation. We had to ring the airline recently and I said to DH why didn't he just double check our seats? He refused as.he said we had already asked. I thought, but we have nothing written, people make msitakes, and you're on the phone to them anyway! In fact, I figured out how to check our reservation online subsequently and we are sat close to but not next to each other.

Writing this down, I feel like I abu, but I do find DH refusal to check or do things in advance really stressful!

RebelRogue Sat 18-Mar-17 22:07:29

Depends how often this happens and whether he's the forgetful type and things end up not done or ruined. I know I have to nag OH as otherwise he forgets. The man would lose his own head if it wasn't attached to his neck! However he's very aware of this so even if he might grumble,he'll do things when i say it's time to do them.

neighbourhoodwitch Sat 18-Mar-17 22:08:16

You are so correct. Always better to check. Not controlling at all!

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Sat 18-Mar-17 22:09:36

He knows he doesn't need to stress because he has you for that!!

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff Sat 18-Mar-17 22:11:29

Well stuff never ends up ruined bc I don't let it. But I am tired of always doing the thinking work and organising! When he is truly left to himself, he leaves stuff, like neglecting to organise GP appt for chronic condition or sometimes missing work deadlines. But when it comes to stuff that affects me and dd I feel I cannot let it get to a critical point, so I step in - but then we both feel resentful.

Bluntness100 Sat 18-Mar-17 22:14:27

I'm with you op, I like to get things done in advance, I see no benefit in waiting till the last minute then panicking when it goes wrong. My view is get it sorted then move on.

My husband is like your husband though. Given a choice between doing it now or doing it two mins before hand he would take the latter. Fortunately after 27 years together he gets the major stuff done. The more insignificant stuff he will just wait.

An example being,,,if it's my turn to empty the dishwasher I do it as soon as I get up and before my morning coffee. When it's his turn he will wait to eight pm and the dishes from the day are all,piled up.

Your husband is being silly over the passport, because the passport office has been known to get behind. You can renew it up to nine months before it expires and the nine months is added to your new passport,no reason to wait. I'd also check the seats before someone else nabs them and you find yourself split up on the plane.

You're not being unreasonable in my view.

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff Sat 18-Mar-17 22:15:04

He will say "you like to organise me" or "you always have to have something to worry about". It makes me feel wild inside because I do NOT like organising him but if I don't I fear stuff will fall through the cracks!!

crazyhead Sat 18-Mar-17 22:17:58

As long as your DH isn't so extremely laid back/forgetful you miss out on stuff, as RebelRogue says, I'd say you are both within the acceptable range of normal, but at either ends. from what you've written, I am in between you - I'm with you on the passports, but would have been laid back on the seats. So we're all different!

You need to talk about it with hi and agree an approach somewhere in the middle - you don't breathe down his neck, he doesn't leave you stressed and on tenterhooks. I'd talk about it away from a specific subject.

QuiteLikely5 Sat 18-Mar-17 22:20:55

Best to work to your strengths and weaknesses op.

If it's not his area why push it? Surely he's good at other things?

Its all about being a team and utilising each other's strengths

gobbelinothewitchescat Sat 18-Mar-17 22:21:36

I don't think you're unreasonable OP - nor controlling. How annoyed would you both be to get to the airport and find the seats are all in the wrong place and it's too late to fix it, especiallly if you and DC are split up? There's nothing wrong with planning to make sure things go smoothly but I imagine it must be frustrating if you don't want to have to do it, but feel like you have no choice.

FATEdestiny Sat 18-Mar-17 22:25:02

Some people are planners and organisers. Some people are not.

Instead of assuming you could/should turn him into s planner like you are, find a way to ensure his nature doesn't adversely affect your nature.

I'm a "get organised early" person. DH is a "no stress, it will be fine" last minute non-planner. He dislikes my need to control and tell him to do stuff. I dislike being rushed in the last minute or not having things done.

So, 20 years of getting used to this, here's what we do:

- agree ahead of time what needs doing.
- agree ahead of time who is doing what.
- agree a time scale.
- forget about all aspects of the other's responsibilities, just trust they will happen.

An example is any day trip we do (we have 4 children, days out need to be heavily organised). I will want to get up, get kids breakfast and dressed and leave. Anything I need to do in addition will have been done the night before, packing bags, sorting out car etc. DH will do all his stuff in the morning we go - make picnic, plan route etc.

So he will get up and rush round like a blue arsed fly. I will get up and serenely drink 3 cups of tea while sat on sofa, directing children to eat/dress, as he whizzes around.

Point is, I don't stress that I'll have to do it because he won't. I know he will do it, he knows what he has to do and knows what time he has to finish by. Plus he diesnt get be stressing around him, making matters worse.

We just work differently. That's not a massive problem.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sat 18-Mar-17 22:28:21

Shared responsibility doesn't seem to work for you. It doesn't flee and DH either. Hand over whole jobs to each other then do not check up each other For example, one is responsible for flights, one for passports, one for hotel, one for hire car.

This does mean you have to step back and let him be an adult and he has to step up and not let you be his mum.

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff Sat 18-Mar-17 22:45:14

Rabbit I think that is probably wise. He will generally do really important stuff, like financial stuff.

Fate the problem with that is, we would be late. DH would do his bit but so that we would arrive 5-10-15 mins late. He would say it is fine as people are often late. I would feel stressed.

A classic eg is DD swimming lesson. She is just 2. I feel we should get her there 10 mins before lesson starts so she has time to get in, get her feet wet, acclimatise. DH is happy if we get there in the first 5 mins of the lesson.

Goldfishjane Sat 18-Mar-17 22:46:57

I am someone who likes to do stuff in advance
But even a person who doesn't wouldn't just leave a week for a passport?!

I would say to him that you're happy to leave it when it doesn't affect you but the compromise has to be that if it involves you or DC you have to be organised and he shouldn't complain about that.

Goldfishjane Sat 18-Mar-17 22:48:57

X post
I don't do late either
Again if it's you or DC he has to work with you
He can be late for his own stuff as much as he likes.

RebelRogue Sat 18-Mar-17 22:55:22

YAkinda NBU but you need to prioritise stuff and compromise. For example,passport needs done sooner the better. Seats,you could check yourself,as you ended up anyways but save both of you the stress and hassle of arguing. So stuff that is important he does when they need to be done,stuff that is important just to you,you do,stuff that's somewhere in the middle you split and leave the other to get on with it. OH has no idea how much everything is micromanaged and how many routines,schedules,x done on x day at y time i have. But he also knows that if i ask him to do something it must be really important to me,otherwise I wouldn't ask.

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff Sun 19-Mar-17 07:47:42

Rebel yes. I need to not cry wolf with organising stuff! I am prob guilty of that.

He had booked the flights so they would nit talk to me but I figured out how to lognin on the airline site using his details. Kinda gutted about the seats, as we are now sat me, random person, 2yo dd, random person, dh. I am just hoping random ppl do not want to be sat between a 2yo and her parents for 6 hours and will kindly move!!

Ecureuil Sun 19-Mar-17 07:53:51

DH and I are both like your DH blush. It can sometimes mean things are a bit rushed/stressed but it always gets done. We've never missed out on anything/left anything too late.
It's not ideal (and I can see why it's frustrating to you when you're at the opposite end of the spectrum) but it doesn't sound too extreme in his case.

Corroboree Sun 19-Mar-17 08:01:30

My husband is the same, but FATE's approach wouldn't work, because he wouldn't have bought stuff for the picnic, so we'd leave about three hours late! He doesn't care about lateness either.
The only reason the children are in time to school each day is because they want to be, so organise themselves.
We all needed new passports this year... guess who's hasn't been done hmm

rumred Sun 19-Mar-17 08:13:20

I think you're perfectly reasonable. Have you left things to him rather than jumping in to save the day? I'd be tempted to.
The fact he's criticising you is horrible. You will come a cropper using his approach, and your child will suffer for it. I think he's being selfish and thoughtless, like with the swimming lessons. He seems not to be caring about other people's feelings /situation just his own

Oliversmumsarmy Sun 19-Mar-17 08:19:19

It depends if you plan everything when you are on holiday.

Whilst I make sure flights passports estas hotels etc have written confirmation and if we are going somewhere where there is a place we particularly want to visit then I might look at opening times on line but everything else is a discovery.
Dp will have planned our itinerary for the whole holiday it isn't relaxing and isn't fun and at one point we didn't go on holiday for 8 years.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 19-Mar-17 08:21:17

You are not being controlling here. You're being an adult and acting like one. He is not.

I was wondering whether this is all deliberate on his part so that he does not have to do anything at home. He knows then you will pick up the slack and indeed you have done. He does this because he can and it works for him. This deliberate incompetence is exactly that; deliberate in nature. His lack of action creates more work and more stress for you and that impacts on your family as well.

There is a thread on Relationships about a H and deliberate incompetence; it may be eye opening to some of you. The first part was deleted but the second should still be accessible via the MN search facility.

This may also be helpful for you to read as well:-

www.huffingtonpost.com/matthew-fray/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288.html

I reckon he is not as incompetent at work is he; they would likely have demoted or otherwise got rid of him long before now.

And no he is not a super dad if he acts like this; his overall incompetence impacts badly on all his family and they get the fallout from that. One consequence to you here is that you will not all be seated together as a family.

What do you think your children are learning about relationships here?
These are also not the relationship lessons you want to be imparting to your children either.

Autumnchill Sun 19-Mar-17 08:38:47

I get tired of being the adult. I love organising and don't mind being in charge of the finances but recently it came to a head when for the fourth time of asking him to ring Barclays and get his credit card balance so I could pay it, he stormed off, made a big drama out of it and ended up arguing with an automated voice system (you know the sort 'sorry I didn't understand, did you want to hear your balance').

I stayed calm which annoyed him more and he stomped off to bed so I slept in the guest room and left for work the next day without a word. Didn't talk all day and when he finally came home from work, he apologised. No way was I backing down on this occasion. I told him that by me asking four times (every bloody month!) makes me sound like a nag. Why couldn't he just do it the first time of asking as it causes me stress having to keep ask and I've got enough on my plate.

We didn't have a problem this month although he has now said he will organise the travel insurance and holiday money......we go in two weeks

Inexperiencedchick Sun 19-Mar-17 09:01:26

I would say controlling. Allow him to be a man, not your child.
But then again depends on the situation and you live with him and you know better.

delilahbucket Sun 19-Mar-17 09:09:46

I am a planner and organising, dp is not. He knows this and therefore I do it all. If he needs to help then he will. On the flip side, dp is very practical and fixes anything that breaks. He's also better at navigating! We all have our strengths and weaknesses and in a relationship we work alongside each other.
I would say your dh is BU in saying you are being controlling. There is nothing wrong with being organised.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now