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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Unwanted sex with husband

27 replies

Sarah2023 · 18/03/2017 21:18

I have been having problems with my husband and he has just found out that his mum has cancer. The last couple of weeks we haven't talked or been close to each other and then last night he started talking to me and then he starts touching me I knew he wanted sex and I said no not tonight it was late and I was tired but he carrys on and pins my arms after awhile I kinda froze and then just let him do it so it was over and done with ( I was sexually abused as a child and my way adventully to get through it was just to lie there and wait till it was over because then it wouldn't hurt as much) after my husband was finished I just went to be but I'm just shocked today I don't think he knows he's done anything wrong because he's acting like nothing has happened. I'm just confused

OP posts:

Report

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/03/2017 21:22

What happened is not your fault.

You did not give consent and I would state that he raped you.

I would call Rape Crisis and talk to them further on their helpline listed on their website detailed below. 0808 802 9999 is their helpline number

rapecrisis.org.uk/

seven201 · 18/03/2017 21:23

That is not ok! Yes he's going through a shit time but that is no excuse. Is he otherwise a good man? To do that knowing your abuse history too. I don't think I could stay with a man who did that to me. How do you feel about it?

PurpleDaisies · 18/03/2017 21:24

attilla is spot on. This is rape. It doesn't matter if he's your husband-he had sex with you without your consent.

Rape crisis would be good people to talk to. I'd seriously covsudet staying with a friend or family member to give yourself some space to think clearly.

highinthesky · 18/03/2017 21:26

Did you make it clear you wanted him to stop?

Some men are slow to recognise rape within marriage. They think sex is their God-given right, it's not.

Make sure your husband is under no illusion on this occasion. Nothing he's going through justifies him using you like a piece of meat.

Sarah2023 · 18/03/2017 21:28

He's a very self centred man and can be emotionally abusive. I feel shocked, and sick I couldn't sleep last night I'm worried this will be a trigger for me, I don't know

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Sarah2023 · 18/03/2017 21:30

Yes I made it clear, I told him no 3 or 4 times and pushed him away a few time he held my wrists so I couldn't after

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SlothMama · 18/03/2017 21:33

This is not okay, not matter what is going on with his family. Please speak to rape crisis as you shouldn't have to put up with this.

Rarity75 · 18/03/2017 21:35

That is very clear that you weren't consenting. I'm really sorry. Does your DH know about your past history? Have you considered ringing rape crisis? Because what he did to you was rape.

troodiedoo · 18/03/2017 21:37

I

Tweedledumb0 · 18/03/2017 21:38

I'm so sorry; he raped you. Please don't think there's any confusion.... There's no confusion at all in what you've described.

Getting out of the situation might help you feel more confident in thinking things through. Do you have anywhere else you can go? And please, ring Rape Crisis for support as others have suggested.

I'm so sorry. It's not just a trigger for previous abuse memories... It's rape.

Sarah2023 · 18/03/2017 21:40

Yes he knows about my past history, I thought about it but I feel stupid

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PaperdollCartoon · 18/03/2017 21:41

I'm so sorry, this is rape, regardless of whether he's your husband or what he's going through

Sarah2023 · 18/03/2017 21:44

Thank you tweedledumb, I was in the middle of making a plan on leaving as we have two children and no where else to go I wanted to have something in place before i left.

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JaneEyre70 · 18/03/2017 21:53

Please phone rape crisis and get some professional advice. What he did is appalling and completely unacceptable. You are allowed to say No - being your husband does not entitle him. Ever. Try to get away from him as soon as you can. Family, friends, work colleagues....anywhere you feel safe and you can think. No one would turn you away knowing this, I promise.

Lynnm63 · 18/03/2017 21:55

Were you planning to leave before the rape? Did he know? Do you think he found out you're leaving and this is a 'punishment' for daring to think about leaving him?

I think you'll need to leave sooner rather than later now.

Goldmandra · 18/03/2017 21:59

Unwanted sex = rape.

Please contact rape crisis or the police. They will look after you.

Don't stay and give him another opportunity to abuse you.

Tweedledumb0 · 18/03/2017 22:19

Sending you a big hug, Sarah. Don't feel stupid; you're probably very shocked. But you sound so sensible and strong.... Please try to ring Rape Crisis to get some expert advice and support to help you sort out a path away from this.

Foxysoxy01 · 18/03/2017 22:27

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

He raped you it's as simple as that. You need to speak to the police, woman's aid and to find somewhere safe to go to.

Do you have family you can go to for now? You need to get somewhere safe where you can have time to process and deal with the emotions for now then you can worry about everything else.

ConConstance · 18/03/2017 22:40

Please contact Rape Crisis for professional support and advice

PickAChew · 18/03/2017 22:44

It's absolutely fine for you to contact the police. With or without your horrific past history, this was rape.

Do everything you can to get yourself to a place of safety

RedastheRose · 18/03/2017 22:49

This is rape pure and simple. If your h is a narcissist he simply won't care that he raped you or that it could trigger your past experiences because with a narc it is always about what he wants, thinks, feels. Read up about narcissistic personality disorder and narcissistic tendencies. Ring rape crisis and yes ring the police too. You may be able to get him excluded from the home which will solve your problem of where to go as he is the one who will have to leave.

Sarah2023 · 18/03/2017 22:56

Thank you everyone for all your support. I am going to phone rape crisis when I can get some time alone probably tomorrow. Right now im going to try to sleep as the kids will have me up early in the morning and I'm exhausted.

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honeyroar · 18/03/2017 23:01

I hope you sleep Sarah. But just wanted to add, to do what he did is bad enough on a normal level, and there is no excuse, but to do it when he knows your history is awful.

BusyHomemaker · 18/03/2017 23:40

This is heartbreaking to read but you seem to be really strong. I agree with PPs and you don't have to put up with this.

CreamTeaTotty · 19/03/2017 00:54

I had similar treatment occasionally from my STBXH - a Narc - very entitled man. Used to say awful things like "we ARE married" and "but you're my wife". Get help and get out. It's unlikely to stop. Sending hugs xxxx

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