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Help me advise my best friend(12 Posts)
My best friend has found out her husband of 17 years has been having an affair. He's in love with the OW and is leaving my friend.
She has 3 small children and they live the other side of the country to me. I want to give her good practical advice as I think he has the potential to screw her financially.
She's suspected so whilst it's not a complete shock, she's been very calm and I'm worried. He's doing the classic 'it's your fault for being too needy' bollocks and blaiming my friend. She's the nicest person in the world and I'm worried he's going to walk all over her.
He told her last night. He's still in the house 'to keep things normal for the kids' and OW is apparently leaving her husband today, so assume he'll leave then.
I don't know what to say to her. Told her to get any paperwork together re mortgage and finances. He's money savvy, she has been financially dependent on him since having the children.
Is she allowed to move any money from a joint account? Can she change the locks?
Sorry no advice really but you've had no replies which isn't nice.
Yes she should move some money ASAP before he moves it. I don't think she can change the locks no but she should tell him to leave.
Can you go and see her?
Tell her to get a solicitor pronto, not to pack her bags, she needs to stay in the family home. If you are able to visit her, but if not just let her know you are there - even if it's just for her to have a rant. He needs to move out.
Move money from her joint account immediately, enough to meet 3 months outgoings on the house, ie mortgage, council tax, food, clothes - literally everything. It is reasonable to do that if she has genuine concerns for financial survival. Go for six months even. If there is £50k in the account and her needs are £2,500 per month it would be aggressive to transfer the whole amount.
Transfer what she needs now. Add to that £3k for immediate legal fees and then (and only then) telephone the bank and say they are divorcing. They will then freeze the account.
She should stay in the house.
As for financial records it would be useful to keep bank statements, wage slips, contracts of employment, etc etc - everything financial. Not essential because he may have to produce them anyway for a financial settlement. If they are obtainable get them anyway and peruse every income and outgoing to see if there is evidence of another account. Look for evidence of extra money. If the employment contract say a 10% bonus then where is it? If not received in the bank then he has been opening another. when a person plans a divorce and a new life with another partner almost invariably the money has been squirreled away into other secret accounts - sometimes even other property.
Safeguard all personal items eg jewelery and family photographs etc.
Keep a diary of his conduct. If he is a dick over contact and financial settlement it will count against him.
Do not attempt to survive financially. If the kids need new shoes then ring him and tell him follow it up with an email on Tuesday. If there is a school trip announced on Friday then send him an email straightaway and ask for the money, ditto car service, TV licence, saving for holidays. Do not send the message you can go it alone or make do. Send messages, keep evidence. Set out clearly what you need financially.
Take the high moral ground and stay there.
Sleeping tigers post is excellent.
I would add to put the money in a COMPLETELY separate bank to him - as in even check it's a different banking group - I got caught that way,
Is she working? Doesn't sound like it. How old are children?
She needs to look at a benefits calculator either entitledto or turn2us are good, to see how much if any benefits she would get.
Child benefit people are open until 4 to get it paid into her account, and tax credits same.
Csa/cms till 430.
Just posted that quickly as conscious of time.
What support does she have where she is?
Encourage her to try and eat, certainly to keep hydrated and to sleep when and how she can. It's a horrible situation and she is lucky to have you.
Thank you all for your replies. We are at opposite ends of the country and I offered to drive there as soon as she told me (and many times since) this morning. It she's said no.
He's still in he house. Apparently waiting to hear from the OW as to how it's gone with her telling her husband (and she has three kids too). I've told my friend to get him out of the house but she insists she's using him to look after the kids so she can get things done (like the shopping?!).
He's asked her not to tell anyone, it's such a cliche. He's the boss of a very large business and the OW works there too. There's considerable financial entanglement, she needs a solicitor pronto
Kids are all under 6, one just 11 months. She's the nicest person I know and doesn't deserve this to happen to her lovely family
No she doesn't, sadly deserve doesn't come into it , the nicest people get shat on !
Nobody deserves such treatment. I agree with you he needs to go now. I'm wondering if ow had chickened out of telling her husband. It happens I've seen threads on here where one or other affair partner chickens out and the ones that didn't try crawling back! Only for the affair to continue anyway.
She needs to use her time seeing a solicitor and getting evidence of all financials, even if that means going to the bank and getting them to print off at least 3 months worth of statements for all accounts personal, joint and business, just incase he has started hiding money.
No real practical advice, and there are lots of good comments above. Emotionally I would say she needs you take control. So, he needs to leave, not piss about waiting to see what happens with the OW. She needs to stop listening to him eg nonsense about it being her fault: a) it's not and b) it doesn't matter whose fault it is, they have three children and his responsibilities don't end because he's decided to fuck it all up and start again. He is trying to manipulate her and she needs to protect herself and her kids from that.
Men in this position tend to follow a script which has already been posted on this board several times. They will blame the woman and re-write history (eg saying the marriage has been bad for years). You friend may well be in shock. I was initially when I found out. I then had a period of strength which I needed to sort things out and then fell apart again. Lots of ups and downs. No real practical advice for you to give your friend other than what others have posted. Sounds like she's lucky to have you as a friend.
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