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I shouldn't marry him should I?

(225 Posts)
Tryhardfailbetter Sat 18-Mar-17 08:13:01

Yesterday dp and I had an argument.

It culminated in him upending our coffee table (well actually MY coffee table that he knows I really love) throwing it across the room and breaking the leg off it.

His temper is getting worse. We can't argue now without him hitting doors, banging things or getting up in my face. I've told him it needs to stop, but now he's broken my only nice bit of furniture.

I feel like it's my fault because I went through a stage of getting up in his face if we argued. I stopped though because I know it's wrong. He's just carried on.

We're getting married in August. How can I marry someone who's temper is escalating all the time?

He says he wants to marry me, loves me, he's really sorry for breaking table and knows it's wrong. He says he feels disconnected from things though and can't think straight?

I don't know what the fuck to do. He works longer hours than me, which I know is shit and he doesn't like his job. However I do 90% of housework, nearly all our life admin and most of the cooking.

He says it's not my fault, but I feel like it is. I feel like I need to ask him to leave, but it's so hard. None of my friends would believe this is happening. He's the sweetest person you could ever meet. I am in total disbelief that our relationship has ended up here.

Mrsfluff Sat 18-Mar-17 08:14:43

It will only continue to escalate, get out now.

Lostpangolin Sat 18-Mar-17 08:15:45

Unfortunately try hard, I think you know the answer. If he's like this now, I don't imagine it'll improve because you're married. Put yourself first.

user1483972886 Sat 18-Mar-17 08:16:50

What are you arguing about? Is it small stuff or something material? Are you also bad tempered?

If you feel it's not right then it's not right.

SheldonsSpot Sat 18-Mar-17 08:16:52

Of course you know what to do.

Tryhardfailbetter Sat 18-Mar-17 08:17:13

This is what scares me Mrsfluff It's already escalated. I already get the "you made me do it" speech when he's angry. Although when he calms down he admits that's bollocks.

I'm so sad.

Naicehamshop Sat 18-Mar-17 08:17:27

Leave now op. This is escalating - what's the next thing going to be? His hands round your throat?

Knifegrinder Sat 18-Mar-17 08:17:35

Of course not, his violence is escalating. Get out now and do not consider giving him a 'second chance'. Good luck.

ChuckDaffodils Sat 18-Mar-17 08:19:50

Close your eyes and imagine him telling a police officer that he felt disconnected as he had his hands your your neck and didn't feel connected again until your body went limp.

No you should not marry him and he needs to leave, today.

Naicehamshop Sat 18-Mar-17 08:20:00

It's very difficult to leave someone when you have invested a lot of time and energy in the relationship, but imagine how much more difficult it's going to be in 5 years time when you may have young children. Imagine a child witnessing that behaviour? sad

Tryhardfailbetter Sat 18-Mar-17 08:20:56

I'm really bad tempered. I admit that.

We were arguing because I feel like he's not showing enough interest regarding wedding. It's not an expensive one, but I've knocked myself out trying to make it a special day for everyone. I feel he isn't helping enough or appreciative enough. He says it's because he just wants to marry me and feels disconnected to the other stuff. I've tried involving him though. It's so frustrating.

I never thought we would end up here. I don't know what the fuck has happened!

Dappledsunlight Sat 18-Mar-17 08:21:11

Sounds like he might be a bit depressed if you say he's not happy at work. This can have a huge impact on us. Does he need some psychological support and practical help to look for a different job? Maybe it's making him feel pressured as he wants to feel in a secure place before your wedding. However, he must understand that such physical violence is totally unacceptable. Suggest you make this clear to him and then express your concerns​ about his anger being a cover for his work stress....Or ask if there's another reason. Good luck.

Tryhardfailbetter Sat 18-Mar-17 08:24:10

I would die if our child witnessed it •naicehamshop* Not that we have any of course.

I don't know what the hell all the disconnected shit is all about? Part of me wants to sympathise and the other half just thinks fucking we'll get over yourself.

RandomMess Sat 18-Mar-17 08:24:47

So you both have anger issues? You both need to seek help then.

Yes I would postpone the wedding and yes you should live apart.

Perhaps you can both change and still end up together.

jmh740 Sat 18-Mar-17 08:25:50

The violence is totally unacceptable he sounds depressed can you take a break from each other can one of you move out? The he could contact his gp and get some support. Cancel or delay the wedding until he has got help.

StewieGMum Sat 18-Mar-17 08:26:55

This is domestic violence. He is blaming you for the violence he commits. You are afraid to have an argument with him because of his violence.

The violence will get worse. Nothing you will do or not do will change the fact that he believes he has the right to threaten you, break your belongings and, eventually, physically hurt you.

You deserve to happy with someone who loves you and treats you with respect. The longer you stay with this man, the more violent he will become and the harder it will be to get away. Please reach out to Women's Aid for support.

RandomMess Sat 18-Mar-17 08:27:01

Disconnecting is common in depression. Also you are very into the wedding and he just isn't! In eyes wedding details aren't important at this moment in time.

Tryhardfailbetter Sat 18-Mar-17 08:27:22

Dappledsunlight He probably is a bit depressed. I've helped him get on a waiting list for counselling already. He needs to find another job, but he's really bad at doing application forms etc. I know it won't happen until I do it (I applied for his last two jobs for him) and why the hell should I? Nobody is helping me find a new bloody job!

LimitedSedition Sat 18-Mar-17 08:27:47

There's a million reasons to leave and none to stay- pack your stuff up and get out.

It's getting worse so he can test how much you'll take. He'll break you next.

StewieGMum Sat 18-Mar-17 08:28:03

Depression does not cause violence. That is a myth peddled by abusers to excuse their behaviour.

Batteriesallgone Sat 18-Mar-17 08:30:09

If he's like this now, it will escalate if you ever get pregnant. Honestly the stats on this kind of thing are terrifying. Please look after yourself.

DH and I are both bad tempered, very tempestuous. Sometimes we even throw things, but we always contain it and it's always harmless. For example he tore up some waste paper once and threw it at me. I picked a cushion off the couch and forecefully threw it back down.

If he's destroying not just furniture, but a piece he knows to be your favourite that's not losing control that's deliberate. Look at it as a metaphor, what else will you love that he will seek to destroy or remove?

DragonNoodleCake Sat 18-Mar-17 08:30:15

The only way you could possibly save this is anger management counselling. If you want to. You probably both need it

Chinnygirl Sat 18-Mar-17 08:30:17

Postpone the wedding. You both need anger management classes or a rrlationship therapist. You cannot go on like this.

RandomMess Sat 18-Mar-17 08:30:37

Unresolved anger can be the cause of depression though!

Depression could also be why he's not interested in the wedding. Separate asap and then take stock.

expatinscotland Sat 18-Mar-17 08:32:08

FFS, here comes the 'depressed' brigade. This person is violent, escalating it and blaming you for it! LISTEN TO THIS! There is NO excuse for that.

He is an adult - it's his remit to take responsibility for his work life and mental health. Do NOT try to sort it out for him.

As for the rest, it's almost classic with a person like this - you're doing all the donkey work because he sees that as part of your job.

NO, you cannot marry him and you know you need to leave or he does.

And don't go there with the 'I have a bad temper'. Are you the one breaking furniture and escalating things? I thought not.

Cancel all the wedding stuff today and start making an exit plan.

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