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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I shouldn't marry him should I?

224 replies

Tryhardfailbetter · 18/03/2017 08:13

Yesterday dp and I had an argument.

It culminated in him upending our coffee table (well actually MY coffee table that he knows I really love) throwing it across the room and breaking the leg off it.

His temper is getting worse. We can't argue now without him hitting doors, banging things or getting up in my face. I've told him it needs to stop, but now he's broken my only nice bit of furniture.

I feel like it's my fault because I went through a stage of getting up in his face if we argued. I stopped though because I know it's wrong. He's just carried on.

We're getting married in August. How can I marry someone who's temper is escalating all the time?

He says he wants to marry me, loves me, he's really sorry for breaking table and knows it's wrong. He says he feels disconnected from things though and can't think straight?

I don't know what the fuck to do. He works longer hours than me, which I know is shit and he doesn't like his job. However I do 90% of housework, nearly all our life admin and most of the cooking.

He says it's not my fault, but I feel like it is. I feel like I need to ask him to leave, but it's so hard. None of my friends would believe this is happening. He's the sweetest person you could ever meet. I am in total disbelief that our relationship has ended up here.

OP posts:

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Mrsfluff · 18/03/2017 08:14

It will only continue to escalate, get out now.

Lostpangolin · 18/03/2017 08:15

Unfortunately try hard, I think you know the answer. If he's like this now, I don't imagine it'll improve because you're married. Put yourself first.

user1483972886 · 18/03/2017 08:16

What are you arguing about? Is it small stuff or something material? Are you also bad tempered?

If you feel it's not right then it's not right.

SheldonsSpot · 18/03/2017 08:16

Of course you know what to do.

Tryhardfailbetter · 18/03/2017 08:17

This is what scares me Mrsfluff It's already escalated. I already get the "you made me do it" speech when he's angry. Although when he calms down he admits that's bollocks.

I'm so sad.

OP posts:

Naicehamshop · 18/03/2017 08:17

Leave now op. This is escalating - what's the next thing going to be? His hands round your throat?

Knifegrinder · 18/03/2017 08:17

Of course not, his violence is escalating. Get out now and do not consider giving him a 'second chance'. Good luck.

ChuckDaffodils · 18/03/2017 08:19

Close your eyes and imagine him telling a police officer that he felt disconnected as he had his hands your your neck and didn't feel connected again until your body went limp.

No you should not marry him and he needs to leave, today.

Naicehamshop · 18/03/2017 08:20

It's very difficult to leave someone when you have invested a lot of time and energy in the relationship, but imagine how much more difficult it's going to be in 5 years time when you may have young children. Imagine a child witnessing that behaviour?

Tryhardfailbetter · 18/03/2017 08:20

I'm really bad tempered. I admit that.

We were arguing because I feel like he's not showing enough interest regarding wedding. It's not an expensive one, but I've knocked myself out trying to make it a special day for everyone. I feel he isn't helping enough or appreciative enough. He says it's because he just wants to marry me and feels disconnected to the other stuff. I've tried involving him though. It's so frustrating.

I never thought we would end up here. I don't know what the fuck has happened!

OP posts:

Dappledsunlight · 18/03/2017 08:21

Sounds like he might be a bit depressed if you say he's not happy at work. This can have a huge impact on us. Does he need some psychological support and practical help to look for a different job? Maybe it's making him feel pressured as he wants to feel in a secure place before your wedding. However, he must understand that such physical violence is totally unacceptable. Suggest you make this clear to him and then express your concerns about his anger being a cover for his work stress....Or ask if there's another reason. Good luck.

Tryhardfailbetter · 18/03/2017 08:24

I would die if our child witnessed it •naicehamshop* Not that we have any of course.

I don't know what the hell all the disconnected shit is all about? Part of me wants to sympathise and the other half just thinks fucking we'll get over yourself.

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RandomMess · 18/03/2017 08:24

So you both have anger issues? You both need to seek help then.

Yes I would postpone the wedding and yes you should live apart.

Perhaps you can both change and still end up together.

jmh740 · 18/03/2017 08:25

The violence is totally unacceptable he sounds depressed can you take a break from each other can one of you move out? The he could contact his gp and get some support. Cancel or delay the wedding until he has got help.

StewieGMum · 18/03/2017 08:26

This is domestic violence. He is blaming you for the violence he commits. You are afraid to have an argument with him because of his violence.

The violence will get worse. Nothing you will do or not do will change the fact that he believes he has the right to threaten you, break your belongings and, eventually, physically hurt you.

You deserve to happy with someone who loves you and treats you with respect. The longer you stay with this man, the more violent he will become and the harder it will be to get away. Please reach out to Women's Aid for support.

RandomMess · 18/03/2017 08:27

Disconnecting is common in depression. Also you are very into the wedding and he just isn't! In eyes wedding details aren't important at this moment in time.

Tryhardfailbetter · 18/03/2017 08:27

Dappledsunlight He probably is a bit depressed. I've helped him get on a waiting list for counselling already. He needs to find another job, but he's really bad at doing application forms etc. I know it won't happen until I do it (I applied for his last two jobs for him) and why the hell should I? Nobody is helping me find a new bloody job!

OP posts:

LimitedSedition · 18/03/2017 08:27

There's a million reasons to leave and none to stay- pack your stuff up and get out.

It's getting worse so he can test how much you'll take. He'll break you next.

StewieGMum · 18/03/2017 08:28

Depression does not cause violence. That is a myth peddled by abusers to excuse their behaviour.

Batteriesallgone · 18/03/2017 08:30

If he's like this now, it will escalate if you ever get pregnant. Honestly the stats on this kind of thing are terrifying. Please look after yourself.

DH and I are both bad tempered, very tempestuous. Sometimes we even throw things, but we always contain it and it's always harmless. For example he tore up some waste paper once and threw it at me. I picked a cushion off the couch and forecefully threw it back down.

If he's destroying not just furniture, but a piece he knows to be your favourite that's not losing control that's deliberate. Look at it as a metaphor, what else will you love that he will seek to destroy or remove?

DragonNoodleCake · 18/03/2017 08:30

The only way you could possibly save this is anger management counselling. If you want to. You probably both need it

Chinnygirl · 18/03/2017 08:30

Postpone the wedding. You both need anger management classes or a rrlationship therapist. You cannot go on like this.

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RandomMess · 18/03/2017 08:30

Unresolved anger can be the cause of depression though!

Depression could also be why he's not interested in the wedding. Separate asap and then take stock.

expatinscotland · 18/03/2017 08:32

FFS, here comes the 'depressed' brigade. This person is violent, escalating it and blaming you for it! LISTEN TO THIS! There is NO excuse for that.

He is an adult - it's his remit to take responsibility for his work life and mental health. Do NOT try to sort it out for him.

As for the rest, it's almost classic with a person like this - you're doing all the donkey work because he sees that as part of your job.

NO, you cannot marry him and you know you need to leave or he does.

And don't go there with the 'I have a bad temper'. Are you the one breaking furniture and escalating things? I thought not.

Cancel all the wedding stuff today and start making an exit plan.

AtrociousCircumstance · 18/03/2017 08:32

Disconnected from helping you plan the wedding. Disconnected when he commits violence. Blaming you for it.

If you stay with him and have a child, I'm betting he feels 'disconnected' when you need help with the night feeds or are on your knees with fatigue...

And yes a child would see and be terrified by the escalating violence. It would be hugely irresponsible to bring a child into this picture.

So don't do that. Get out now.

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