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i am tired of his anger, is it me or him the problem, please help

(67 Posts)
at37 Sat 18-Mar-17 04:03:28

Hello. I have been in two relationships in my life both lasted 10 years each. This is my third one and counts one year so far. This person is nothing like i knew before and thats why is so confusing for me to understand. He can be sweet and caring one minute and get a fit of anger the next . When this happens is like he is changing to someone i dont know, he constantly insults and pulls down and threatens and he needs time to calm down. While in that state anything i say is wrong and gets him more angry. I decided not to talk but he finds this is wrong too because "i block him out" so i have no idea how to act. Tonight he had some issues at work and i tried to support him, listen to him and offer advice to the best i can with my experience. It seemed that he wasnt listening so i said that if is any way i can help he can let me know. His reply was that i try my best and even if i dont offer anything good he can see that i try. Later he carried on ignoring me talking so i stopped and was waiting to watch a movie with him. He asked what was wrong and i said nothing , but he can be rude sometimes.That was enought to set him off. He went into a fit of anger constantly insulting me . Among other things he said that he has no idea how other people come to me for help, that he can not rely on me, that he wishes i was a normal gf that listens, that i have delusions that i am a good person but i am not because ei clearly dont care about him etc etc. I kept quiet but i said that have no idea where all comes from as the only thing that happened is that i said he can be rude sometimes. That set him off even more, he carried on the insults and started threatening that "i do everything worse" everytime i was trying to talk. Then he left to "cool off" and return saying sorry and that i am a good person. Then he carried on that he doesnt need anyone and he only tells me his problems because he makes me the favor to include me in whats going on in his life. I said, well if you dont feel like telling me then dont. That set him off again and started that i dont care and he can not do that anymore and that i ruined his night and he doesnt know if he can go to work as i made him feel drained etc etc you get the picture. He insisted i apologize for my behaviour and think what i did. I really dont think that i did anything wrong but said that to him it just made him angrier. I need opinions , i need to understand if is me that i do something wrong or him. This sort of behavor happens often and it got me to a point to not care anymore and just to want it to stop when is happening . Thank you

nespressofan Sat 18-Mar-17 04:25:13

angry, angry, angrier? this sort of behaviour happens often and has got you to a point not to care any more. Nuff said.

Bananamanfan Sat 18-Mar-17 05:26:37

That is not normal behaviour. It is not ever acceptable for him to talk to you like that no matter how he is feeling.
There's a difference between being angry/stressed about something and hurling out personal insults and character assasinations.

EmeraldScorn Sat 18-Mar-17 06:24:51

It's not normal behaviour, it's abusive and you do not have to put up with it!

ClemDanfango Sat 18-Mar-17 06:29:30

You've been with him a year and this is how he's treating you?
Bin him off. He's an abusive twat.

Atenco Sat 18-Mar-17 06:39:00

Well if you have been in two long relationships and never had this before then it is obviously not you.

I think you should throw this one back in the sea.

Allofaflumble Sat 18-Mar-17 07:21:02

He sounds vile. Get rid of him. What a waste of your precious life he is.

Cricrichan Sat 18-Mar-17 07:23:41

Woah. Get rid of him immediately!

MangoSplit Sat 18-Mar-17 07:25:27

He sounds awful OP.

Megatherium Sat 18-Mar-17 07:26:19

It's clearly something wrong with him, not you. You don't need this in your life. Get rid.

Semaphorically Sat 18-Mar-17 07:27:50

It's not you. That's not normal behaviour he's displaying.

MrsMozart Sat 18-Mar-17 07:34:40

It's him.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life feeling like this?

Shayelle Sat 18-Mar-17 07:51:53

He enjoys it. Its going to get worse. Hes abusive. Leave him
flowers

Thebookswereherfriends Sat 18-Mar-17 07:56:06

He sounds exhausting! What do you get out of the relationship when you're having to second guess every word in case you say something to upset him?
You don't have to put up with it.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 18-Mar-17 07:57:36

at37

Its not you, its him. He is simply projecting his own stuff onto you and enjoys the power and control it gives him as well. You end up tip toeing around him and modifying your own behaviours.

Abusive people can be "nice" sometimes but their nice/nasty cycle is a continuous one. You are already seeing that the "nice" part of him reappears less often now. Walk away now from him before you get even more hurt.

He does not want your help or support either; such men really do hate women, all of them.

PollyBanana Sat 18-Mar-17 07:58:45

Sounds exhausting.
Can't see any point in continuing with this relationship

Dontsayyouloveme Sat 18-Mar-17 09:55:29

I have lived with someone like this for 9 years and only last year did I realise it wasn't my fault. This is his stuff not yours but they are very clever at making it out to be you who is as fault and making them behave like that. It is not true. I had very low self worth up until the start of last year and Have got rid. He manipulated me and gaslighted me all that time. Unfortunately he is a narcissist and I have to co-parent with him. Apparently now when I assert myself I'm nasty and callous!!! It's incredulous how they operate actually! So my advice would be leave. I will never be spoken to or manipulated like that again. What's wrong with a reasonable adult conversation without it turning into an aggressive arguement?

GallivantingWildebeest Sat 18-Mar-17 09:59:14

If you've had successful relationships before, then it's not you - it's him!

You've only been together a year. This is meant to be the honeymoon period, but he sounds awful - and he's getting worse.

Dump him and don't look back!

happypoobum Sat 18-Mar-17 10:01:50

Bin him. You deserve better than this.

KnockMeDown Sat 18-Mar-17 10:04:07

I read the title and immediately thought, HIS anger, HIS problem. As PP have said , he is no good for you, get rid of him.

And maybe take a careful but kind look at yourself, to see why you would even think that this could be your fault?

FruminariaBandersnatchiosum Sat 18-Mar-17 10:22:01

Even if every single bit of it was your fault (it's not) it still doesn't work does it? LTB. It shouldn't be like this a year in. He sounds like he needs psychiatric help not a girlfriend.

at37 Sat 18-Mar-17 14:53:00

Thank you all for the answers, it helps a lot. Even if i know that it isnt my fault, living with someone like this and have to deal with this sort of behaviors often ,it makes you at the end doubt your own sanity and reason. On top of this, every time he gets in that state of anger, he will constantly blaming me for everything that goes on, it is always my fault. Seeing that everyone agrees that his behavior is not normal helps me get rid of whatever doubts he created in my mind, thank you all

MangoSplit Sat 18-Mar-17 14:57:32

There was a thread on here recently about what makes a good partner. One of the most frequently mentioned characteristics was kindness. He doesn't sound very kind OP.

despicableshe Sat 18-Mar-17 15:05:43

Nah. Fuck all that! Life's too short. Dump him, methinks.

thethoughtfox Sat 18-Mar-17 15:29:19

It's not you; it's him. Hopefully you don't have ties to him yet. This would be an unhappy family.

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