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Why am I so weak?!

(17 Posts)
Mrspotatohead18 Fri 17-Mar-17 23:38:02

I've been seeing someone for two years (very on and off - a lot has happened) I stupidly got reeled back in (yet again)

I know he won't commit, I don't know why, and I don't feel in any way he's seeing someone else, more of a 'he's just not that into you' I love him so much. Deep down I know I should leave as I'm just being strung along, he says he wants to commit and for us be together but he never does anything about it. Why can't I fucking leave it even though I know he's taking the piss? He wants us to be exclusive to eachother yet we aren't in a relationship, so I'm basically staying around for someone who's dangling carrots. I know this sounds bloody childish and I'm not a kid! I just don't know how to get myself out of this vicious circle, it's easy to leave, it's staying gone that's the problem sad

TokenGinger Fri 17-Mar-17 23:51:59

I'm interested in seeing the responses to this because I'm exactly the same. A year in. But same situation.

I question why a lot. I know my worth, I know I am a good person to be with. Maybe that's it's because I don't believe it. Or I've been with such arseholes in the past that I just accept anything. I don't know.

Mrspotatohead18 Fri 17-Mar-17 23:58:56

It's horrible isn't it. I pride myself on being strong, I took the leap and finished a long term relationship because I knew it wasn't working even though it was and sometimes is still hard, but I know I made the right decision. I just can't seem to let go of this one, I feel so heartbroken because when we are together and getting on it's amazing and we gel so well. He's done a lot and it's my own stupid fault for giving him chance after chance. I know I'm an idiot yet keep coming back for more confused

SandyY2K Sat 18-Mar-17 06:55:31

I know he won't commit

Knowledge is power. Use it wisely.

I'm not sure how old you are, but at a certain point in my life, I had little patience for time wasters like this.

I would refuse exclusivity with a man like this, who wasn't really 'the one'

You know deep down he's no good and ask if you really do want a life with him forever.

Don't settle for less, as it only ends in tears down the line.

Get the courage to tell him, it's just not working for you and go no contact.

Every day with him is wasted time and where you could be putting your energy into finding someone better.

tribpot Sat 18-Mar-17 07:00:56

Yes - I agree with Sandy. The key phrase here is "opportunity cost". All the time you invest into a relationship (that isn't even a relationship!) that you know can't give you what you need is time you aren't putting into a life that will make you happy. Who knows what opportunities you're missing out on as a result?

Cricrichan Sat 18-Mar-17 07:08:33

Please read 'he's just not that into you'.

He likes you but he'll never be the guy for you. You won't persuade him. If he really likes you then both he and you would know.

Also, he's probably more attractive to you because you have to constantly 'win' him. That happened to me in a relationship and when I ended up 'winning ' him, i realised that actually i wasn't that into him!

Leave him and find someone else who is into you.

RandomMess Sat 18-Mar-17 07:18:38

It's probably tied into your self esteem. He may like the drama of on/off or you are just his booty call and you find his carefree elusiveness attractive subconsciously.

Mrspotatohead18 Sat 18-Mar-17 14:28:51

Thankyou to everyone who took the time to read and reply. I knew these would be the exact responses I would get and it's what I want and need to hear, total impartial strangers telling me what I already know.

Sandy - I'm mid 20's. Thing is, I know I will meet someone, I'm not in the mind frame where I think I'll be alone forever and I know I'll meet someone else and this is stopping me from finding that. I had the courage to end a 7 year relationship because it wasn't giving me what I needed - so why can't I bring myself to end this shit show ive gotten myself into?!

Cricrichan - I have started reading it today, is it the same guy who wrote 'it's called a break up because it's broken'? I like him, he's very honest and I identify with a lot he says. A lot of which I know to be true, I read the last book after my previous break up and again, a lot of it resonated. I'll stick with this one, I'm actually finding it hard to put down!

Tribpot - I often ask myself what happiness I'm missing out on. And I know I shouldn't be thinking like that, and I wouldn't be if it was giving me what I want/need, which is why I feel so weak and stupid, I'm allowing it and I don't know why sad

Randomness- I hate the drama - there's a lot of it too as I'm sure you can imagine. Maybe it is my self esteem, I've recently been diagnosed with low mood and I've suffered anxiety for years. I don't know if maybe that is a contributing factor as to why I'm allowing this behaviour and this situation to spiral. He is having his cake and eating it, the girlfriend experience if you like, without the commitment that I want.

I really am a fucking fool angry

Anonymoususer1938 Sat 18-Mar-17 15:01:16

I'm older then you and have been in the same type of relationship for a lot longer. It's off at the moment and has been for 6 months. I've gone total no contact for the sake of my own mental health and I suggest you do the same thing. You see the problem I have is that when we're 'off' I can't stop thinking of them and I think I only get back together to relieve the awful ruminating when we're not together. That's my latest theory anyway. Anyway my advice would be to break up with him and go no contact and keep your fingers crossed that you will move on and meet someone else.

Neverknowing Sat 18-Mar-17 15:12:05

Tell him it's over and then if he wants you back then you'll know. Tell him you're only going back if he fully commits though, also don't go back straight away. I know it sounds like it's playing games but it will help you know or just be enough for you to walk away smile

Mrspotatohead18 Sat 18-Mar-17 15:12:17

That is exactly what I think it is. It's a vicious circle, and the NC inevitably fails (on either end not just mine) I think we both know it's wrong, but we both need to relieve the hurt. It's a horrible feeling to be heartbroken sad

TheNaze73 Sat 18-Mar-17 16:00:10

What does your ideal of "fully commit" mean? Does he understand? Are you direct enough?

Mrspotatohead18 Sat 18-Mar-17 16:08:46

Thenaze73 - yes I am direct, he knows exactly how I feel and he gets arsey about it - 'why are we having this conversation again' etc. I feel like I'm a 'side part' off his life. I've met some of his friends, they know about me. His family also know about me yet I've never met any of them. We've done things (holidayed etc) like a couple would do. The not fully immersing me into his life is the big fat red flag that I have the issue with. It's not so much the boyfriend girlfriend label - it's the fact he wants me all to himself yet doesn't want to commit to a relationship, I suggested keeping it causal where we see eachother but are free to 'interact' with others (not sex) and he said sure we can do that. But if I want to talk to other men then not to bother contacting him again confused it's not what I want obviously, I just wanted to gauge his reaction. He knows that it's him I want and that I want is to commit to eachother - but there's always something going on, things that I know are going on his life but I feel like he just uses them as excuses, or should I say I know he does. I know the answer to the questions I'm asking, I guess I just need other people rather than the ones who care for me to tell me.. abit of Swiss neutrality if you like sad

OurFlo Sat 18-Mar-17 16:23:45

Firstly flowers
This guy sounds quite controlling to me.
if I want to talk to other men then not to bother contacting him again

Right now you should be taking his failure to commit as a blessing, he doesn't want you but won't let anyone else have you. He's waving a big red flag in your face and whilst you can see it, you're not believing it.

You're not weak...many of us have been there at some time or other but making that break is hard, for whatever reason. You've made the first step, you know that this isn't going to work out; now you need to work out how to walk away. You sound intelligent and obviously have a big heart...share it with someone who is willing to share theirs with you

Lovemusic33 Sat 18-Mar-17 16:34:35

I think I might be in a similar relationship (Early days but starting to think he will never commit), after reading this thread I'm thinking I may have to end it. It doesn't feel like I'm in a relationship but he says we are, tells me I'm special, tells me he loves me but he doesn't make time for me, always busy and expects me just to hang around until he has a bit of spare time. I feel like I'm wasting my time sad.

Mrspotatohead18 Sat 18-Mar-17 16:47:20

OurFlo - that's was really lovely of you to say, thankyou smile

LoveMusic - if you're feeling like that now, then please get out. I ignored it and I'm in this mess after two long years. It's easy to give advice to someone but really hard for me to take my own!

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sat 18-Mar-17 18:11:46

Go NC and date other people, take up a hobby, study for another qualification, move to a new town, make an effort to make new friends, basically fill your life with good stuff.

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