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Ending a relationship that you don't want to: how to heal?

(3 Posts)
WhippinPiccadilly1 Fri 17-Mar-17 22:45:43

A week ago I called time on my relationship. We'd been together 8 months. I'm 32, with 3 children, 15, 4 and 1. He's 33, with one child who is 1.

We live extremely close to each other, but our lives became almost incompatible 2 months in to the relationship. He had a change in hours which made seeing each other difficult. He promised that he was looking for a new job. 6 months down the line, with no end in sight, I've given up. He doesn't seem to be doing much, and although he asked me to bear with him, how long do you wait before saying that this can't work?

He is a good, kind, caring man. I am hugely attracted to him, and fell in love with him. I still love him, and his little girl too.

But we both work 12 hour shifts. I work set days, he works a 4 week rota. He has his daughter 2 of his days off per week (as a minimum). I have my young 2 all the time. My teen goes to his dad's once a week on average, sometimes less.

Basically, we barely got any time together. Particularly time for just the two of us to be together.

He couldn't get a babysitter unless it was his mum (lives with his mum, hence why he can't just get someone in to babysit). At 6 months, his daughter would sleep, and she was happy to babysit. But by 9 months she had stopped sleeping, and his mum hasn't been happy to babysit much since.

We got a few hours on a Thursday, maybe 2 maximum 3 Thursdays a month when my children were at nursery. 2 Wednesdays a month he would stay over unless he was having his daughter extra days. He would come over one evening in the week but it was just an hour because he goes to bed at 9pm as he's up at 4.45am.

We couldn't go out. Dates weren't happening any more. And it just all felt like hard work too soon.

Yet I miss him. He's a lovely, lovely man. There was instant chemistry and spark when we met. There still is, for me. But my heart knows the situation wasn't sustainable for the healthy growth of a relationship. Sex every Thursday, if it was possible (not always as children present if school holidays, or he had his daughter) made me feel like there was no real intimacy. It always had to be rushed due to circumstances.

He hasn't spoken to me since I told him I couldn't carry on with the relationship anymore. I had to text him to explain the above because that's how incompatible our lives are! We never get chance to talk about anything! I don't know if he isn't bothered, or angry, or what? I don't want him to think I didn't love him, or care about him. He must think I'm horrible to do this. All his relationships have ended by him being left. And I'm yet another one to do it to him.

I'm so sad, and I know it won't be forever. But it doesn't help when you've sat and cried over a picture of his daughter, who I miss also!

I wish we'd met at a different time of our lives. I wish I was happy with the above arrangements. It seems like maybe he was, since he didn't do much when it came to finding a new job. He knew how unhappy it made me to see him and speak to him so infrequently. But he didn't make the effort to change that.

I actually cried because I had written this post as if we were still together, in present tense. I've just had to go back and correct it all to past tense. I probably just need a good nights sleep and a hug. Maybe some chocolate.

Not even sure why I'm posting. I guess sadness really.

TheNaze73 Fri 17-Mar-17 22:51:23

You ended it, he's showing you respect & being dignified. Sounds like a tough situation and you've thrown in the towel, which is your prerogative to do so. If I'd been dumped, whatever the circumstances, I'd have blocked you. Maybe that's what he's done & his coping mechanism

ddssdd Sat 18-Mar-17 10:25:30

Hi, Op. It sounds like you have done the right thing for you. Maybe he was hoping you'd see him through the hard times without him having to do much to change it. Could you not have found a different job to make things easier? Not trying to sound snippy. Some people really are happy with the status quo, or perhaps, don't know how to change it.

And, Naze is right. I would not have responded to someone finishing with me. If someone wants out of the r'ship, there really is nothing left to say. Hope things get easier.

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