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How do yo trust again?

(10 Posts)
CalineF Fri 17-Mar-17 22:02:37

I am a single mum. I separated for over two years ago. There is no risk of the father of my child reappearing in our lives. My daughter is four and the past two years of my life has been me being there twenty-four hours for her. I am her mum, her friend and her teacher. Everything we do is done together, except when she goes to school. We sleep in twin beds in her bedroom (I do have my room). We shower and bath together. We dress up and groom together. She suffers from separation anxiety and fear of the dark.
I love my daughter, yet I can not help but feel lonely, isolated and restrained. I wanted a family but instead ended up in three bad relationships over the past fifteen years. Consequently, I am afraid asking someone I have liked since breaking up with my fiance over two years ago. I am scared of getting into another bad relationship that will affect my daughter's upbringing. I am afraid because my child is a beautiful child. I am afraid because I haven't had a social life for over the past five years. I fear of being boring and talking only about me, my child and the joy and struggles of being a single mum.
The man I like always compliments me when we meet three or four times per week - on my way from dropping or collecting my daughter to or from school, or while going to church. My daughter loves him, and each time she jumps into his arms and smiles. He is treating her like a princess and recently gave her the most beautiful flower bouquet ever - which he made himself.
We have a lot in common, but I have realised that most of our talking is about my daughter, how she is doing, how I am coping as a single mum, etc. He tells me he admires me. That my daughter is amazing and that it is all due to me. He repeats he can not believe my age - he is younger than me. I don't know much about him. Except that he is a respected member of our community and that we share interests in plants and flowers.
Should I keep our relationships as acquaintances or should I give some hints that I am interested in knowing him more. I am adamant he was flirting with me over the past two years, but I wasn't really. I hadn't healed from the breakdown of my family and my daughter was my priority. How to get across the signals? How do I start the flirt without him confusing it for a tease because I don't want him to think I am offering my body just my attention.
Can a man become a good stepfather?

FritzDonovan Sat 18-Mar-17 04:04:28

You may be getting ahead of yourself a bit. You say you don't know much about him, past the fact he is a respected member of the community, and you have a shared interest in plants. You also think he has been flirting for two years. That's an awfully long time for a man to stick to flirting alone, unless he is actually attached and wasn't intending anything else to happen. Maybe suggest a coffee, or a few leading questions to find out more, before you 'start the flirt'?

Ellisandra Sat 18-Mar-17 07:41:37

You just "ended up in" three bad relationships.
At some point and on some level you have chosen to accept bad behaviour.
So personally I'd forget about this man and concentrate on the reasons behind that.
When you know that you can identify bad behaviour and not accept - right from the early signs - you may find it easier to trust.
Because right now your brain telling you not to trust is a good thing.

CalineF Sat 18-Mar-17 18:56:24

Lol... If I was such a bad woman unable to recognised bad relationship then I will still be with those men. I left them all. Not the reverse.

I choose to raise my daughter on my own instead of with a man who lied to me, his employer and his friends for years before he got caught after the birth of his child. He was introduced to me by friends because they worried I would never trust a men again. Ironic isn't it.

As for the previous two relationships, I met the men while socialising in pubs and clubs. One turned out to stalk me after I dumped him and the other couldn't accept I left him so he spread malicious lies and rumours about me as reprisal. I left the pub and club scene ten years ago.

Why do people have to assume that bad relationships means bad choice or weakness from the woman or man who suffered it?

As for a cup of coffee and small talks. This man and I do that every week - he sells coffee 😂

What's wrong with flirting over two years with a single mother of a young child? I actually find it refreshing. I made it clear that my daughter is my priority and that no one will come between us until she can speak, be less dependant and tell if she likes or dislike someone. I kept that promise. I will never bring someone into our lives without her approval. She is my world.

My insecurity isn't about fear of me being hurt but my daughter being hurt. My insecurity is about not being able to trust anymore.

Ellisandra Sat 18-Mar-17 19:51:36

I didn't call you a bad woman hmm

CalineF Sat 18-Mar-17 21:12:29

According to the mass, only bad women accept bad behaviour and bad relationships. That's why I used that term. 😉 That's why I didn't tag a name it was a generalised comment.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sat 18-Mar-17 21:14:29

Do you have friends? Do you socialise much? I wouldn't seek a man to solve problems of isolation.

FritzDonovan Sat 18-Mar-17 21:22:10

Nothing wrong with flirting over an extended time period. As I said though, if he was interested, I would have expected him to make it clear well before two years had passed. Unless he is otherwise engaged already, relationship wise.

CalineF Sat 18-Mar-17 21:29:17

I am not seeking a man to solve problem of isolation. I am seeking companionship.
Yes, I have friends. They all work and have home lives raising their families or visiting their grandchildren. I couldn't have children until I reached 40. I babysitted my friends kids and now they are babysitting their grandkids. The isolation I am feeling is from the parental age gap with my friends. We are so busy. All we have time for is small talk. The only socialising things I do is when I volunteer in Church events with under 5 years old parents and carers sessions and Sunday School. I don't drink. I don't have a night baby seater. Everything I do resolved around children and my child.

CalineF Sat 18-Mar-17 21:41:43

@FritzDonovan He is ethiopian. Those man loves a woman hard to get 😆😎
I have a Kenya friend of mine. She was chased by the same man for almost two years before you accepted to know this man more. Her baby boil four year old. My friend and her son have been with that man for offer twenty years. The man calls my friend's son his son and he added his name to the birth certificate. The son call him dad

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