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Should my family spend time with my ex-h?

(14 Posts)
PunkScience Fri 17-Mar-17 13:19:22

Ex and I divorced 3 years ago. We were together for 6 years and have 3 DC. We don't get on. He has DC 2 days a week.

My mother, with whom I have fraught relationship, continues to support and spend time with my ex. She claims this is in order to send time with the DC.

My brother and his wife along with my mother had Christmas with him and the children last year and all meet up for meals out every few months (along with DC).

This makes me feel uncomfortable. Ex has given me a lot of stress over the past few years and assaulted me during break up.

I have a partner of two years. He also finds this uncomfortable, especially as my mother and brother make no effort whatsoever with him.

nigelforgotthepassword Fri 17-Mar-17 13:22:21

I Would find this massively hurtful and I think I'd struggle to forgive it actually.In a normal break up then maybe at a push but if he had assaulted you I can't understand the mentality of socialising with him.They can see the kids when they are with you cant they?

xStefx Fri 17-Mar-17 13:22:29

OK, to me that sounds weird and like they all like hurting you. They spent Christmas with him? and not you? leave them to it OP.

shaggedthruahedgebackwards Fri 17-Mar-17 13:24:03

I can understand why it makes you feel uncomfortable but if your family choose to spend time with your ex then that is their prerogative and there isn't really anything you can do about it

Are your family aware that he has been abusive?

fallenempires Fri 17-Mar-17 13:50:33

Yes I can identify with all of your post almost word for word!It's very hurtful and frustrating.True,you can't stop them socialising with him but he shouldn't be taking your place at family gatherings.I also have a fraught relationship with my DM,it's never been great but is virtually non existent now.I keep contact to a minimum and leave her to it,it had to be done for the sake of my own sanity,however I do miss spending time with my DF.

PunkScience Fri 17-Mar-17 14:13:37

So Christmas day my brother wouldn't spend with us and the DC as he was spending it with my mother. Boxing day was 'their' Christmas day, long with ex-h and the DC.

My parents aren't together, my dad is great and spends lots of time with us.

My mother and DP don't get on. DP and I had an emotional affair while I was still married to ex. Ex had a drink problem and things weren't great at home, it's a long story. He punched me when he found out. My mother has never spoken to DP and DP doesn't like her because of how she's treated me.

It's all very complicated.

xStefx Fri 17-Mar-17 14:19:00

Gosh that is complicated OP
With family like that your gonna have no choice other than to rise above it. You ADNBU

SandyY2K Fri 17-Mar-17 18:51:01

It sounds like they've taken his side over yours.

I don't understand how your mum won't see the DC and feels she has to maintain a relationship with your Ex to see them. Surely she can see them when you have them?

Do they know he was violent?

At the end of the day, you can't stop them having a relationship with him, so your DP will keep have to suck it up.

It does sound like a betrayal of sorts though.

Do you get on well with your family?

springydaffs Fri 17-Mar-17 20:40:47

Precisely this happened with my family. They were all besotted with him.

I am now NC with my family I'm glad to say. You don't need that toxic shit op.

PunkScience Sat 18-Mar-17 07:51:29

Wow, sounds like it's quite a common theme!

My mother justifies her behaviour as she claims it's all for the children.

She wants to support their father as it will benefit them and wants to keep things as they were so they'll. e less disruption for dc.

PunkScience Sat 18-Mar-17 07:52:05

I can see this view point though, which makes the situation even. Orr confusing.

Oddsockspissmeoff Sat 18-Mar-17 15:05:13

Similar story here Op. I got rid and left them too it.

HarmlessChap Sat 18-Mar-17 15:27:48

It may feel disloyal but he is the father of their relatives and if they get on with him and like his company then why shouldn't they spend time with him.

He punched you when he found out that you have been cheating (EA is cheating), while that's not OK I doubt its an uncommon reaction from either gender TBH.

Does he still have a drinking problem? If not your family may be questioning whether he had one at all but they're probably blaming you for the break up of the marriage because of the cheating and may even feel sorry for him.

fallenempires Sat 18-Mar-17 15:30:09

Oh the doing it for the children's sake,that's my DM's line too! I'm guessing that she sees your DP as the OM and responsible for the break-up of your marriage hence why she isn't friendly or welcoming to him.

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