Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Crossdressing husband sends pics to men while I'm pregnant with our 2nd

(10 Posts)
Davidh67 Fri 17-Mar-17 07:37:25

So I'll set the scene first. I've been with Husband for 5 yrs, married nearly 4, we have a son not yet 2 and I'm pregnant - due August. We bought a flat last year for which he pays all the bills and owes my family 10k. He pays this promptly every month. We have a car on finance at over 300 a month but it is in my name as being from SA and only in the country 2yrs at the time he couldn't get the finance. He pays for my sons Montessori nursery fees at 350 pm.
I currently work one day a week on minimum wage and family cannot commit to regular babysitting so I cannot work more than this.
The problem - we should never have married.
i instantly fell for my H, it was love at first sight! Different to others you know? I was only 19 and he is 18 yrs older. It was a whirlwind romance and within 6wks I'd moved in to his place. Soon after this my mum sold the family home and downsized.
Things turned sour about 5 months in when we (so I thought) explored his fetish together. I suspected he'd been at my underwear, but was actually flattered. I didn't think he'd been putting them on! Anyway soon we were both dressing up together, exploring with toys and even webcam chat sites. I wanted to know what I should call him when he is dressed up so we talked about it and he led me to believe this was something we shared.
Fast forward only a few weeks and I was using his laptop to enter my hotmail. When I clicked the email address box a couple of addresses came up - my own, his and another, which contained the name he wanted to use while dressing up. I wanted to be sick.
I clicked it and would u believe it the password was saved and I got in just like that! My stomach is turning as i write this. Emails directly from men and emails from CD/TV chat and dating sites went back several years so this was way bigger than he'd led me to believe.
Now I understand ppl have history and things make them tick which not everyone is into, but when I told him everything I'd seen he Denied it at first then ther was rage then turning the blame around on me, telling me I'm psycho and what do I expect when I'm not so game for it these days?!
Lots of shouting and tears later he explained more about where it all started and how he's never shared it within a relationship. the online stuff was his only way to explore this until now and has become a habit. I was hurt but this made sense and he promised not to use these methods again without me (could I have been more accommodating? I enjoyed our cam time!)
Over months I found the same things continuously - new email adresses, deleted pictures in MY clothes, chat site profiles etc. every time it was met with confrontation anger tears and apologies. Each time it broke me further and I became more paranoid. I would have stomach pain from anxiety and became very clever at finding and reading obscure deleted data from all devices.
I knew it was messed up and eventually resented the Crossdressing altogether so of course it was back to being just his secret and me foolishly hoping he would be happy dressing up and watching porn...not on chat rooms and sending pm's to men. Sometimes I would come home early just to try to catch him out and I'm positive I did a few times although the layout of our flat gave him enough time to close his laptop and run to the bedroom to undress. U can just tell when someone's lying, and I forgot to mention he tended to do this rushing on mdma so that was a big giveaway.
I think the only reason I didn't leave then was the fear of change and the hope it would just stop so I could keep loving him and us. I worked in a pub for little money, I had nowhere to go now that mum had downsized, friends all lived with their parents still and how could I begin to talk to them about it anyway?? I'd also become accustomed to the lifestyle he provided which I'm embarrassed to admit.
He asked me to marry him, and although I had doubts he was so good to me and such a loving husband otherwise! I kept hoping it would change but it didn't. I started to become hardened to it all and I suppose then he thought he could have his cake and eat it. We got married June and I was pregnant (planned) the next November. In this time I'd qualified as a beauty therapist and found a job In a workplace I loved. He was angry at the prospect of me working full time. 'What's the point if we never see each other?' So I reduced my hours to 3 days leaving me with no savings and little choice. All this spare time to think left me more paranoid.The webcam stuff continued to pop up while I was pregnant and the reality hit me. It was serious now and although I was confident he'd be an amazing dad, bringing a baby into such an environment terrified me.
Our son was born prematurely and had colic the first 5 months so it was really hard on our already strained relationship. Initially Sex was often but a bit dull and as we became more stressed and tired it just stopped. Every day became a struggle for me mentally as I realised how trapped i was and generally found it hard to accept my new life. When my son was 18months (enter car finance and mortgage) I found out I was again pregnant and honestly I didn't want it. I couldn't face adding another baby to the mix when we were barely afloat as it was; both in our relationship but also just as being parents. He told me if I terminated that would be the end of us. Really that should've pushed me to make a change but I'm so scared of ruining my sons life when it's hardly began! He is a very emotional from one extreme to the other let's say and since he went to a Montessori school we've seen huge improvements. I'd hate to stop him going there due to finances. If I left who's to say my H would keep paying? Not to mention the money he owes my family and the car payments which I can't afford and still have a year left to pay?!
His heart is in the right place as a dad. He's so hands on but definitely has a short temper; in all aspects of life. Although I don't think he'd ever aim it at our son, parenting definitely brings this side of him into full view and I tend to be on the receiving end. I would think my H would do right by our son but I also wouldn't be surprised if he had a total meltdown and ran away abroad (half joking!) Nothing is more important to my H than his boy but he likes to throw his toys out the pram. I'm worried he'd leave me in the s***. And if I left before having our second baby perhaps he wouldn't connect emotionally with it and this would make it easier to sever ties with us.
It's been a while since I saw any online activity but there's been s definite increase in eBay purchases of used underwear shoes and wigs. He hides them in the attic because I'm scared of the spiders. I knew he was up to something though and braved a look. The clothes didn't bother me it was the extreme secrecy that freaked me out. That was 2 was ago. Between that, hormones and fear, the paranoia has crept back. I check his devices regularly and usually find nothing but porn which I really don't care about. I hate what it has turned me into!
Last week I found (only for a second, it was like a glitch on the iPad) on the private Internet tab the profile of a crossdresser on a chat site. It was on the screen long enough to spot the username and site. I used that data to search for the profile and although there were no images, certain details told me it was my husband. Scary thing was he always puts the correct location. He told me in the past he'd entertained 2 men (different times) In his flat. He now tells me he was just winding me up but again, I know my husband he's backtracking and the lies drive me crazy. I'm unsure as to wether this has happened while we were together or if it could happen in future but certainly the fact we've had sex maybe 4 times since October - in our now pretty much loveless marriage - makes it more likely.
This morning while lying in bed next to him, thinking about today's 20 wk scan, i took his phone to find a pic of myself I'd like to upload to Instagram. I couldnt find it so unable to sleep, I went back into neurotic mode and scanned his phone quickly finding in his deleted images a picture of His bum. He took it in the bathroom mirror at work Monday 10.30am. Hardly for personal use I'd say! So who is he sending this to? It was a girly pose but in his usual clothing. That tells me it's someone he was in touch with at least for that morning in order to think oh just before I see my next client I'll rush downstairs to the toilet and send this person a pic?! I'm more inclined to think it may be someone he's chatted to for longer though as my H is very well built and is hardly a good candidate for someone looking for a quick 'chat' on a Crossdressing site without actually dressing up.
Here I am looking into it all when the reality is I'll never know. I'll put him in the spot. He'll deny it, then shout at me, partially admit it by saying what do I expect when he gets nothing from me, then we'll sit on either end of the sofa seething and nothing more will be said. I die a little more inside and he bides his time til the next opportunity, and reminds himself to clean up the evidence better.
I guess I'm offloading because really I have no choice but to stay. I can't see us ever being close again as I resent him and can't play happy famillies. He needs me to play happy famillies and for there to be intimacy in order to show me love but I need his love in order to do so. It's crazy I still want that even with his fetish and lies killing who I am. But there's no trust and I'm not stupid enough to think it'll be alright.
This feeling of being trapped consumes every day, even the good ones. Having ownership of the property means that although I have no money I can't get any council help...which it would pain me to need in the first place. If I'm wrong on this please let me know. It may sound like I'm with him for money and it really isn't the case. He often says I am so I'm very aware of it coming across that way. It was always love and passion til recently.
A friend recommended women's aid but it's not abuse, it's just me making stupid decisions over the last few years and not admitting I can't accept my husbands fetish.
Anyone else ever looked at their lives and thought not me. This was never meant to happen to me.?

End of novel. Sorry sad

Notapodling Fri 17-Mar-17 07:57:22

I am very accepting of fetishes and different ways of being in a relationship, but this really isn't about his fetish. He is lying to you and continuing to lie. And bringing up the fact that he's earning and paying for most things is not on. You have a child together. It's meant to be a partnership. Your friend is right about Women's Aid. Just because a man doesn't physically abuse you, doesn't mean his behaviour is not abusive. I'm sorry, OP, but at absolute best he's shown he has no respect for you and your relationship and has no intention of changing. Call Womens Aid. They can help. Good luck. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

ocelot7 Fri 17-Mar-17 08:04:14

You are now about 23? You have thought this out very clearly & really you know you can't go on like this. It would be yr husband who moves out & you stay in the flat with your DCs.
I don't have the knowledge of practical stuff but think you could get eg tax credits if you work 16 hrs. You might be eligible for some free or subsidised childcare. In the scheme of things if the Montessori has to go its just the way it is.

numberseven Fri 17-Mar-17 09:32:10

Hon, eventually you need to leave him. This is no way to live.

But before that, and I'm sorry to bring this up, but please be careful. You say he admitted that he has "entertained" men in his flat. He might be having sex with random men and that means you need to be tested.

Davidh67 Fri 17-Mar-17 09:37:17

Thanks for your replies. I think sometimes it's hard to accept someone you love could mistreat you in such a way and justify it. I will certainly try women's aid if it could be seen by others as abuse. I'm 26 now perhaps the timelines a bit off! At 19 we dated shortly after I'd split from an ex but I got back with said ex for a while. My husband to be tried to pursue me throughout and tbh I never stopped thinking about him. It should have become so much more than this! I haven't said anything to him about the image I saw this morning. He wanted to cuddle and was affectionate as we helped our sick son together but it made my skin crawl. Now he is at work and I won't see him til late tonight when he'll want to know what gender our new baby is and I'll just want to avoid him completely. What a mess

Davidh67 Fri 17-Mar-17 09:41:36

@numberseven the thoughts crossed my mind. He openly hasn't ever used protection with past flames, I can't see it being much different with a random guy but I hope I'm wrong. Men are dogs. The world he introduced me to shows that, soooo many are married and point out they need to be quick before the wife gets home. Its unbelievable!!

Despairbunny Fri 17-Mar-17 09:42:24

Big hugs for you, first of all.

Secondly, I've been where you are. Actually, if it wasn't for the fact that your H is from SA & well-built I could've sworn that you were married to my ex. Luckily for me, this was pre-kids. I don't want to have to tell you this, but my relationship (which followed almost the exact pattern of yours) eventually turned into physical abuse, which meant I had a "reason" to kick him out.

I know that 20wks pg is not exactly the best time to break up your marriage, but getting your ducks lined up in a row might not be the worst idea. Even knowing there's a little ray of hope will help.

WombOfOnesOwn Fri 17-Mar-17 17:48:58

So a much older man gets together with a teenage girl, marries her relatively quickly, gets her pregnant, refuses to let her work full-time hours, gets her pregnant again, refuses to allow her to terminate the pregnancy.

This is a man who KNOWS his fetish requirements are an unreasonable thing to expect any woman to tolerate. That's why he's got you right where he wants you, controlled by money and babies. This is a common abuser tactic: find a woman too naive and young to know what to expect in a life partner, then grind her down until there's no way she could possibly leave, and she's reduced to being full-time fetish support.

You deserve a life that is better than this one. This man will keep impregnating you and keep you trapped. If you think you feel unable to leave now, it will be worse in 5 years. Or 10. This man has engaged in deliberate strategies with a goal of keeping you a compliant, meek mess. And make no mistake: he'll be happy to leave you for a new naive girl, too, if you don't toe the line. He won't feel the same angst about breaking up your family. He clearly already doesn't.

LivelyLima Fri 17-Mar-17 19:55:12

You don't have to accept your husband's fetish - at all. Its his issue. Personally, I think its a bit awful that he made you encouraged you to "explore" it. If it is unacceptable to you, thats it really - just get out (and thats not even including all the other stuff).

LivelyLima Fri 17-Mar-17 19:57:20

He's also being unfaithful. Find someone you can relax with or be on your own for a while, sounds a hell of a lot better than all this palava.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: