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Emotional psychological and coercive Abuse

(6 Posts)
user1489677782 Thu 16-Mar-17 16:41:34

I'm not sure if this is the right topic but have to ask for help. I don't know what to do or who to try for help. I just know all of this is so wrong and probably very damaging all round.
There is a DFF (dear female friend) who is a hard working person. She had a partner who is the father of her child. This man did not work and was quite fond of drinking and some drug use. Anyway he is no longer in the picture.
DFF has had a new man for the last 2 years. Former very close friends are no longer around. I don't really know why apart from my own reason. Siblings are not around either. This new man does not seem to like anyone. Even parents are getting tired of the changes.
The DFF was once the first person to arrive to help in times of trouble or illness. Recently a close person was in hospital but DFF did not appear.
The now partner of DFF has decided that the RF (real father) can not see the child. The RF has not seen the child for about a year.
The partner drinks a lot and thought nothing of going to friends and relatives houses while drunk. DFF did not seem to see anything wrong with this.
The partner's wish to play golf on the child's birthday meant that no family or friends could see the child on their birthday. Again DFF did not see what was wrong with that. (Perhaps friends and family would have been glad to see child and DFF without partner tagging along)
Despite earning a good salary DFF is now is serious debt situation, including housing costs. I am very worried that this will result in an eviction, especially now when others are alienated. A lot of items are being sold off on Ebay
The partner is under the radar as he is not officially living there although he has for well over a year. He apparently does not contribute to household costs. If this were to come to light I think that DFF would be the one in serious trouble. (Can anyone confirm or deny that it would be DFF in trouble for this)
I have done some research and spoken to Women's Groups who feel quite sure that the partner is controlling DFF and any questioning or confrontation from friends and family would only result in this man using it to say what bad people we all are and how hard done by he is. Apparently all we can do is to wait for DFF to actually see what we see and get rid. I can see how it would be best that way but I really do not want the situation to escalate any further.
There is a child to be considered in all this. I don't think the child is very happy. Sometimes the Child has said it is such a long time since I saw A B & C, other children that a lot of time was spent with. The Child does not see relatives. The Child spends a lot of time without screens on the say so of this partner. DFF has also been taking the partner's side if anything is debated concerning the child. The Child spends so much time alone. Even days when the theme should be child centred.
Can anyone think of a way to deal with this so that the Mother and Child can live a good life without the partner causing so much animosity?

user1489677782 Fri 17-Mar-17 00:58:08

Bumping. Anyone? Any comments at all?

tallwivglasses Fri 17-Mar-17 02:07:46

No, there won't be a way until she's ready. I'd be wanting to shake her til she sees sense, but she won't - til she's ready. At least forward her the pinned post on here, plus useful links - Women's Aid etc and tell her you love her and you're there for her. No harm in suggesting she peruse the relationship topic here either. I learnt loads from just lurking. She's lucky to have you as a friend.

Isetan Fri 17-Mar-17 07:57:30

When you say escalate what do you mean? Unfortunately, being evicted, being accused and convicted of benefit fraud etc are the only things that may be catalyst for acknowledging her situation.

Your DFF is an adult and has apparently chosen to prioritise this relationship, you don't get a say. If your DFF is in receipt of benefits based on her being a single parent and she hasn't declared that she is living with a partner, then yes, if she is caught she'll be in trouble. It's got nothing to do with his lack of financial contribution to household expenses because the benefits agencies will expect that your DFF costs will be reduced if she's living with someone, more fool her if they aren't.

All you can do is be there if or when, she chooses to stop prioritising this relationship. The father of the child can pursue contact through the courts but he will have to want to do this. Lack of screen times and no relationship with relatives aren't considered grounds for child endangerment.

BantyCustards Fri 17-Mar-17 08:29:42

She could well be in trouble if she is claiming benefits. One of the exceptions to this is domestic violence but it is hard to prove.

user1489677782 Fri 17-Mar-17 10:41:45

Thanks all for info.
It seems it is exactly as I have been told so far that I just have to wait until she sees it all for herself
Isetan- What I meant by "escalate" is that I don't want DFF to be any more isolated than she already is and for the control of the child to be taken any further I do not want them evicted or found out to be making a single parent claim when they should not. As far as I am aware there is no physical violence but I worry that may be a issue.
I had a gut feeling on the partner. I didn't like him from the get go and a few others were the same. I didn't trust my gut but it seems I should have.
I know that the lack of screen time is not an endangerment but I do think it is wrong to keep child away from relatives though. There does not seem to be any recognition of this.
I knew the RF but he does not keep in touch with any of us. He is starting legal actions last I heard. I will see how that goes.
I was told that the decision not to advise Benefits people of the partner's presence in the house was his decision and I thought at the time that DFF would be the one in trouble if it came out, meanwhile he contributes nothing.
Obviously if anything really bad happened such as eviction I would be willing to help DFF and child who could stay with us but I would not want the partner in my house. Whether that would be the end of him for DFF is not really clear. This of course would me being nasty to render him homeless.
It is going to be a long heart breaking slog to sit a wait for her to see sense. She seems to believe him more than anyone else which is hurtful but part of abuse is to isolate.
I only hope it is not too long before DFF comes to her senses.

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