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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

RELATE - good/bad idea? Experiences please!

(7 Posts)
Bobby2013 Thu 16-Mar-17 15:49:05

My husband and I are going through a rocky time, I've suggested RELATE and he is skeptical but has agreed. When we try to talk through our issues we both have different recollections of what has been said or done and I feel that having a third party/expert there to guide us rather than keep mowing over the same points and not getting anywhere would be of benefit. However, I'm also wary of raking up issues that might lead to more of a rift! If you went down this road please do let me know your thoughts. Cheers

noodleaddict Fri 17-Mar-17 21:20:09

I did it, but after both of us were assessed separately I ended up going my own. I think it can be good but depends a lot on what counsellor you get. The one we had as a couple was so-so, the individual one I had was amazing. I think this goes for counselling in general, it depends a lot on the counsellors style and whether it suits you. I do think a third party input can be helpful though, especially from someone who isn't invested in any way.

Wrt bringing up more issues, I'd say if they are there anyway it's probably best to get them out in the open as they will only cause problems further down the line.

Best of luck.

Bobby2013 Mon 20-Mar-17 10:05:57

Cheers, that kind of sums up a lot of the advice so I think we'll have to go for it. I'll just have to brace myself!!

Mumfun Mon 20-Mar-17 10:21:04

Yes very much thinks it depends on counsellor. I now know the one we got was rubbish. She didnt know enough at all - too idealistic and inexperienced. My friend went at same time and got much more experienced counsellor who sussed out the situation very well and was good.

nihilist Mon 20-Mar-17 10:21:55

Unfortunately I had a really bad experience. In hindsight I should have complained. I ended up walking out of the counsellor's pink and kittens office when it became clear that she spent the session simpering at my partner while berating me. Put me off the idea of counselling for a long time until I found a good one. This was about ten years ago.

WeAreNotInKansasAnymore Mon 20-Mar-17 10:30:54

Good experience here. Nothing was achieved, but that was the point!

It took us 3 goes to see the right person. Our counsellor was careful to listen to us both and to suggest different types of therapy for us to engage in, if we wanted to save the marriage. She was very fair and careful not to give opinions or bias. She helped us to articulate what was wrong with the marriage. I did look her up to check her qualifications and experience, and was very pleased that she had had a range of difficult circumstances to deal with (similar to ours).

We saw her for about 10 sessions, and she told us the point at which we had to decide for ourselves about saving the marriage. It was like a slap round the face to have it confirmed, but we did both need those boundaries. A good counsellor will tell you what s/he can offer and give you a timeframe - also with ours, she gave an indication of what was/not acceptable behaviour during the sessions (there was a lot of anger!).

After it ended, I contacted her for further sessions. I felt she understood me, was supportive and, most importantly, that I could trust her. I've been seeing her alone for about 7 or 8 months now and benefit hugely from it.

Good luck, OP.

Bobby2013 Mon 20-Mar-17 11:30:37

Thank you - I think one of the reasons I want a third party is that my DH is very good at revising history and also, he is feeling very insecure at the moment and that's coming out in the way he gets envious when our 3 year-old DD wants to spend time with me. My fear is that as he looks after her while I work, he will subtly drive a wedge between us. That's me possibly being paranoid, but it's a concern. So best to have someone else repeat back to him what he's saying so he cannot deny it later!

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