Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
To stay or go?(15 Posts)
My partner of 1 1/2 years has 3 children and i have one daughter. We dont live together, he has a mortgage on a 3 bedroom house, i live in a 2 bed flat. So usually he stays at mine a few nights during the week and has the children at his house of a weekend.
His house is ok, but certainly not homely, he has been there for 7 years and only done the bathroom and kitchen (mainly because his dad does this as a living) the house needs a lot of work. He only has single glazed windows downstairs, and a few double glazed upstairs. The windows have keys to them but when he split with ex he went to his moms and left her and the children in his house until they found somewhere. She lost the keys apparently and now he can't open his bedroom windows. His daughters room window handle has broken and so if pushed will open. Now if this was my house i would want it fixed or preferably pay to get this window and the single glazed replaced with new ones. It has been like this for a year now and he has no intention of getting them fixed, well not that he has mentioned.
He has an old style boiler where he has to turn on the heating to get hot water. He has a decent job and earns around 2000 a month.
He is tight with the heating so when it was winter and i went round he would have a hat on (he is bald lol) and a jumper, which is fair enough but i have a different attitude and if im cold i simply but the heating on.
We were talking the other night on the phone about possible moving in together and how we would deal with bills. I joked saying well the gas bill will certainly be higher and he went silent.
I was talking about wanting to take my daughter to see disney on ice and he said its expensive which i know but its hardly something you do everyday. He doesnt do anything like this with his children. I understand he has three but if your not willing to pay to take them places i dont know why you would have three. It makes me weary as i would love another baby but i cant see him doing this kind of thing as a family. He takes them to the cinema sometimes, but even down to parties i dont think they have ever had one apart from a house party with their cousins.
I can't remember the last time we went for a meal, and have never been ro one with the kids. he likes to eat well so never have a takeaway if i say i fancy a curry he will say i will make you one
Im worried that if^^ we moved in together i would always have to work because he is so tight with every penny. He ordered an xmas games from eBay at xmas for his son. Was glad because he got a bargain. It got lost in the post and told me he was annoyed because there was only one for sale. When i asked him how much cheaper it was he said £3. The way he went on i thought he was saving like £10-15
I understand he has to be careful with money but surely if your paying for a mortgage you want your house of a decent standard. AIBU/princess or do i have a point? He isnt exactly struggling to get by.
It sounds like you have very different attitudes to money and it is going to cause serious friction in your relationship if you ever did move in together. I think you have to reconcile yourself to staying as just dating or think about moving on to another relationship. Neither of you are likely to chance fundamental values like those in relation to money and it will make you unhappy being forced to penny pinch when it's not necessary or him unhappy seeing you being (in his eyes) profligate.
Thank you for your advice. Yes i feel as though i already roll my eyes at certain things he penny pinches on. Deep down i cant see a future and although everything else about him is great, i hate feeling restricted and i feel if we did move in together i think i would feel trapped. Maybe we do need to go our separate ways as i doubt he will change, neither do i want to change him.
Yeah, neither of you are wrong, you both sound within the bounds of normal, but you don't agree. If he's not a spender he's going to see you as extravagant, and you're going to see him as tight. Definitely worth very seriously thinking about as this sort of thing doesn't change easily.
Im worried that if^^ we moved in together i would always have to work because he is so tight with every penny
Sorry, but why shouldn't you always work?
That aside, I think you should walk - you have very different attitudes to money and he does sound quite on the, erm, careful side. That said, £2K/month isn't exactly vast wealth territory and presumably he's paying maintenance, so maybe he genuinely doesn't have a lot left over? Plus, he already has 3 kids and isn't necessarily going to want any more, so if that's important to you, maybe it's cards on the table time...
I meant always have to work when we have another baby as i would have liked to be a sahm until the baby went to school as we wouldn't afford the childcare.
He says he would like a baby with me and rather sooner than later, but its me holding back for this reason.
I wouldn't become financially dependent on this man. I wouldn't move in with this man. I wouldn't have a baby with this man.
He's as tight as a duck's arse. You never go out together, he's tight with the kids, he chooses to be cold and not make repairs. Tight as fuck.
And additionally, you would be foolish to move in with him, make yourself dependent on him in any way and have a baby with him without the protections of marriage.
Yup. I'd move on. Fundamental differences. And if deep down you know this, then I'd be doing it sooner rather than later.
We were engaged by following an argument and fear it was moving too fast i gave him back the ring, he would get married tomorrow. But even with our engagement party he didnt want to cough up and wanted to do the food himself. I would like a church wedding and do it properly. Hed be happy with a registry office, which is fine, im by no means a snob, but see it as my one and only wedding day it would be important to me.
Fundamental differences as per pp. Don't do it.
Do NOT have a baby with this man.
You already have 4 between you.
You say he earns well at 2K!
That is not enough to support you and 5 kids! It's really not.
5 Kids - sorry but fuck that!
You don't sound compatible at all.
I'd be running in the other direction to be honest!
Where i'm from 2k a month is classed as a decent wage, considering we dont have careers. Yes i think I will have to break it to him gently. Thankyou guys, you have just made me make up my mind along with my gut instinct.
Don't get me wrong - it's not a bad wage.
But if he has to pay maintenance for 3 kids and then support you and 2 others as well - it's just not that much!
I'm glad you are making the right decision for you.
Very true. He has to pay £300 a month and his mortgage is £600 plus bills. Hes left with more than me but i guess as everyone has said we have fundamental differences. Thankyou ladies
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.