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I've just ended it a lovely man...

(28 Posts)
Lucyben14 Wed 15-Mar-17 22:20:58

I've just finished it with a lovely, kind and caring man - probably the most genuine guy I have ever met, because I am hugely struggling with intimacy. I think that ultimately the sexual attraction isn't there.

Other contributing factors - he is struggling to find stable work, I am tired of feeling like the breadwinner... and we don't have much in common in terms of humour.

Am I doing the right thing? Will I come to regret this? I'm 28 and have no children or ties but feel very easily alone when faced with only my own company. Any advice very welcome...

SleepingTiger Wed 15-Mar-17 22:23:28

We can be alone when we are with the wrong person. You did good.

BusyHomemaker Wed 15-Mar-17 22:44:55

It sounds like you made the right choice for you. And also, what SleepingTiger said!

Ginkypig Wed 15-Mar-17 22:45:06

If he isn't right for you, he isn't and that's ok! Trying to mould yourself or him to fit always ends in unhappy outcomes.

Being alone is always better than being with the wrong person for you.

Without wanting to pry do you think you should look at the intimacy issues you've mentioned.

Imo it is probably a good idea to work on them before you embark on a new relationship as they could be a barrier to a happy relationship even with the right person.

Ginkypig Wed 15-Mar-17 22:47:41

Oh an by the way 28 is still really young,

loads of people meet in their 30's onwards, there's no timeframe!

Lucyben14 Wed 15-Mar-17 22:55:04

I think I am finding it hard to be intimate because I don't feel drawn to him in that way anymore.. I love his company but I think it's because he feels safe and secure. We've been together about 8 months... the 'spark' shouldn't of gone that quickly - surely?

I met him very soon after coming out of a miserable 4 year relationship that should have ended years before it did... maybe this was a rebound of sorts? And I want to stop that now rather than lead him on.. he doesn't deserve that.

I just get so wrapped up in worrying about him being upset and feeling rejected that I'm worried I'll go back on the break up to try and stop myself feeling guilty and to make him feel better.. but I know from previous experience that's worse for all involved in the long term.

Howlongtilldinner Thu 16-Mar-17 06:40:20

You need to finish this now OP. He is an adult an you're not responsible for his feelings. You are 28 with your whole life ahead of you, don't 'waste' it. He may tick a lot of boxes, but if you don't want to be intimate at 28, you have a very long unhappy road ahead of you.

I'm in the throes of separating from my partner because of the same issue (among others) but I'm in my fifties. We've been together 5 years and it's gotten worse and I feel resentful, I too stayed because I didn't want to hurt him, but I'm hurting myself.

He will get over itflowers

SorrelSoup Thu 16-Mar-17 06:45:04

You don't owe it to anyone to put their happiness above your own. You're not married, you don't have children. He's just not right for you. You're still in your 20s, enjoy life for you while you can. You can be truly selfish, embrace it!!

fedupandnogin Thu 16-Mar-17 06:46:41

I can so relate to this. I'm in my fifties too Howlong (I love your name by the way!). I've recently tried to finish with a very nice person. Just no spark (as far as I'm concerned). I've gone back on the break up too as I felt guilty and to make him feel better. We've been together nine months.

NormaSmuff Thu 16-Mar-17 06:47:17

the intimacy is probably not right because you dont respect him for being out of work?

ImpetuousBride Thu 16-Mar-17 06:58:44

Him being lovely and caring makes it difficult to break up without feeling guilty or horrible. But at the end of the day, could you stay in a relationship if you dont have much in common and are not physically attracted? He is also unemployed, and I suspect has been for awhile, as you mention that you're tired of the breadwinner role. It's probably taking a toll on you having to worry about and cover all expenses on your own. On your own you can save or spend money for yourself and look for someone who ticks more of your boxes.

HebeBadb Thu 16-Mar-17 07:01:04

3 reasons and you doubt yourself!
Stop doubting yourself

Dozer Thu 16-Mar-17 07:01:14

Not fancying someone anymore is not an "intimacy issue", it just means you don't want to be intimate with THEM!

He wasn't right for you so you did the right thing.

Dozer Thu 16-Mar-17 07:01:57

Also, hope after such a short time you weren't subsidising him.

TheNaze73 Thu 16-Mar-17 08:07:01

Being with somebody for their company as you said, maybe good when you're 88 but, not at 28.

Humour & sexual attraction are "must have's" for most people in a relationship & you being saddled with the additional burden of carrying him financially, just says to me 100% that you've made the right decision. Well done for not settling. Nice really isn't nice. You can & will find more

expatinscotland Thu 16-Mar-17 08:16:33

You so did the right thing!

Lucyben14 Thu 16-Mar-17 12:15:07

Thank you all for the reassurances - you're making me feel like less of a horrible, heartless cow! Just don't want to end up with a cheat or liar and look back and think how lovely and genuine, kind and gentle this one is and have regrets...

MaeveTheRave Thu 16-Mar-17 13:59:42

You need to date yourself for a while. Go to films you like. Eat what you want to eat. Go where you want to go. You say you got wrapped up in his feelings and needs.

You need to be more consciously aware of your own needs.

I understand your worry though, that by ending it with a ''nice guy'' you'll end up with a liar or a cheat. Don't start berating yourself that you are bringing liars and cheats down on yourself because you have rejected this one nice guy.

Well one person's nice boring guy is another woman's quirky cute nice guy. I am now seeing somebody who objectively is no more selfless or giving or generous than a man I ended it with four years ago but this guy is a million times more on my wavelength.

nonameinspiration Thu 16-Mar-17 14:06:01

Hi op. I ended a relationship in 2014 mostly because of his employment situation. We didn't live together so I wasn't dependent on him or him me but I just couldn't accept it. He was a lovely man but some of the life choices he was making I just couldn't accept at this point in my life. I was freshly divorced, stable career and two dc and I was 35 then. I was open to a relationship but I couldn't parent an adult it was really wearing. I've seen him in the community and it looks like he made a decent career change and retrained as a teacher and I'm so so pleased but it wasn't in time for me. I have no regrets and I dated a few others before I met my dp who is very settled with work - it's a non issue completely! Don't feel bad

scoobydoo1971 Thu 16-Mar-17 14:35:18

I ditched someone similar aged 30 who wanted to marry me, have kids etc. We were good friends, but his employment record was awful and he didn't seem to have any drive or ambition to do anything stable with his career. Frustrations about carrying the financial load and working 2 jobs while studying for a better future made the romance fade on my part quickly. I ended up sleeping in a separate room as I couldn't stand having him touch me. I didn't fancy him anymore because he wasn't the man I needed him to be. I didn't want a life of paying for him and having him mooching around the house while I worked a 10 hour day. So I told him he had to go, and no regrets on my part in hindsight. If I had stayed, got married and had kids with him then it would have been a terrible mess in the end as the resentment would have kept coming and coming. Sometimes you have to do what is right for you. At 28, the world is your oyster and you were kinder to set him free for someone who is better suited to his needs.

Lucyben14 Thu 16-Mar-17 19:07:42

Everything you've all said makes such perfect sense yet I've spent all day feeling so guilty and wondering how he is and what he is doing.

bananarama75 Thu 16-Mar-17 19:27:49

flowers OP totally get where you're coming from. FWIW I think you've done the right thing. I'm sure you feel a big sense of relief for having mace you're decision and cut the ties. At 28 you really have your whole life ahead of you so embrace it..... no more looking back.

Fedup and howlong.... I'm 47 and feeling very confused about my long term partner/fiance. Have posted on here before. Do you regret your decision to break up at all?

Lucyben14 Thu 16-Mar-17 21:51:22

I do feel relief bur also so scared of being alone and looking after myself- is this normal? I'm totally independent in terms of income, owning a home etc but still always feel a bit lost without a man... pathetic!

Howlongtilldinner Thu 16-Mar-17 23:00:31

Lucy..if I could turn the clock back to age 28 I would be single and having a ball! Go and enjoy yourself and most probably find a man while you're doing it!

And please..NEVER EVER settle..

fedupandnogin Fri 17-Mar-17 06:16:19

Bananarama I've not split up with my partner of 8 months. Just thinking about it. He's a really nice man....just not feeling the spark...I've not seen your messages before I don't think.

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