Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Is this what an isolating abuser might do? (very long, sorry)(6 Posts)
I am worried about my friend. She broke up with her husband after he left her for the OW whom he has since married. She very quickly met up with an old boyfriend from before she was married, and got together with him. He has never married or had children and she now believes that he is absolutely the love of her life.
He doesn't like her children. He said that he sees them of a reminder of her marriage and that he wishes he had never let her go. They are teens and although lovely normal kids, have been through a rotten divorce and haven't been easy. He would rather not have them around, and indeed told her that he had "written off" one of them as he was so rude and cheeky. (The child is 13.)
He is less hard on her other child, who is much more compliant.
Her ex husband's new wife has a very difficult and unsavoury past and she had argued for a long time that she didn't want the children to see the new wife, but yet she did because that was the only way she could get to see Boyfriend. The kids didn't want to go with her to visit, the BF didn't want them there, so they went to their Dads, even though she was adamant that they had been exposed to all sorts of horrors including drugs, and that they all slept in the one bedroom. She would complain about it but the situation would just continue.
Meanwhile, more and more red flags appeared with BF - he would dump her, leaving her absolutely devastated, then they would get back together. Each time she seems to want to please him more and more, and make less and less demands. The BF sent a message to one of our friends after they had been back together only a few weeks (after the 20 year marriage in between), thanking her for"looking after" our friend (why wouldn't we?!) and not to worry as he would be looking after her now. It was creepy and proprietorial, yet polite, and when my friend was shown the message she said it was touching that he wanted to take care of her.
Anyway, we sort of thought we would have to just let her get on with things, she is clearly smitten. She has decided to move to be near him, and her 13 year old is going to stay with his Dad, and the 12 year old might too. She isn't moving in with BF, she is renting nearby.
What has prompted me to post is what he posts on Facebook. He added me as a FB friend when we all met up when they first got back together and so I can see his FB feed. There are a LOT of really nasty sexist memes, pictures of women almost naked, their crotches out, and then the next post will be what a lovely day he and the dog have had with our friend! It just seems so disrespectful to her and as though he is almost pushing for a reaction. He appears to have upped the ante today though, and is now posting pictures of very sweet little girls of about 6.
Meanwhile her FB feed is chock full of meme after meme about relationships and how important he is to her. Really utterly cringy stuff. I thought all of this was just stuff to kind of wince at and then ignore, but a colleague pointed out that it all might be a part of some grand plan to isolate her, embaras and demean her and control her. I'm suddenly thinking that could be right, but I know nothing at all about such things. Is that how it works? She also said he is a massive drinker, 4 bottles of wine or 12 pints in a night, but not every night as he works shifts (forces.)
Is my colleague right, and this guy has red flags all over him? And if so what can we do? She is very prickly about it all and has already fallen out with people.
You can't do nothing apart from be there for her.
He sounds awful but you have to play the long game here, if you fall out with her or let him isolate her he has won.
How can i make her see that this is what he is doing???
You can't make her do anything.
Is she in MN? I wished I'd been on MN years ago when I was with somebody abusive. You could possibly get her s book about abusive relationships but you run the risk if her turning against you - or him exploading if he sees it.
Nothing my friends said to me made me leave my ex, he was physically and emotionally violent to me, I had to be ready on my own. She must be very very low on her self esteem and not know which way is up. When your in that space you cling on for attention and love - no matter how toxic it is.
I lost a lot of friends over my ex a couple hung around even after I was quite rude to them but it took me a long time to build relationships back up.
Also this man is not making her leave her kids. That's her own choice.
I feel sorry for her poor children. What a horrible man he sounds like. She's gone from the frying pan to the fire.
It's no wonder so many kids are messed up with parents who dont prioritise them.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.