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AIBU about returning calls?

(19 Posts)
WildBelle Wed 15-Mar-17 10:05:56

I'm in a long distance relationship, so to me it's important to speak on the phone. Generally when I phone my bf, he quite often doesn't answer, and so I assume he will call me back when he gets the time, but he very rarely does.

We had quite a long text argument conversation about this last night, I said that I found it rude and unusual behaviour, I see it as a social norm in the age of mobiles that if you get a call from a friend/partner, and you miss that call, you return it when you can.

On one notable occasion recently I called him in the morning (he wasn't working that day), and he put the call through to answerphone after about 2 rings, so I thought 'ok, he's busy', assumed he would phone back at some stage but didn't call me all day! He wasn't at work and when I did finally speak to him he said he hadn't really done much that day, had just been mooching around the house. That's one example but it happens a lot. He thinks my expectations are too high, and can't understand why I'm annoyed.

I have never encountered this before, AIBU?

Kikikaakaa Wed 15-Mar-17 10:09:25

I mean this is rude of him, part of me feels his pain. I don't want to talk on the phone all the time to my BF either, I'm not always sure why I just don't feel like it! To counteract being rude about it I will send an 'sorry I'm busy call later' text even if I am not busy. So he's being rude to ignore you.
Instead of berating him about it open up a chat about whether he's comfortable with the calls, the length, the frequency and that you don't want him to be rude about it but bloody honest. You do deserve that

Ahmezia Wed 15-Mar-17 10:11:32

My first thought is that he's just not into you sorry.

I've been in a number of LTR and if I miss a call I will ring back as soon as I can because I enjoy speaking to that person, finding out what they've been up to etc. Etc. If it starts becoming a chore to ring that person then I know it's not really worth continuing the relationship.

As Maya Angelou said ' Never prioritise some for whom you are only an option'.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Wed 15-Mar-17 10:14:24

Sounds like he isn't as invested in the relationship as you are. Sorry.

AshesandDust Wed 15-Mar-17 10:27:50

I often ignore the phone. I think it's because I don't want to have to talk on demand iyswim.
I prefer telegram or viber because it's more like real life chatting - it
doesn't need answering right away and I can reply or not as I feel like it.
I really resent that unspoken demand of a phone, 'I'm ringing so answer it right now.' Bloody thing pisses me right off.

JustSpeakSense Wed 15-Mar-17 10:28:40

I don't think he feels the same way about you, sorry.

Why don't you try texting him 'phone me when you are ready for a chat' or something similar and see if he calls when he's free.

ocelot7 Wed 15-Mar-17 10:29:28

My LDR bf rings me every night we are apart - unless one of us is out too late - its never been an issue to him. And if I call he rings back when he can. It made me reflect on all the uncommunicative men I've known before. And how I wouldn't put up with it again! smile

WellyT Wed 15-Mar-17 10:32:23

I hate talking on the phone. Even in a relationship where there is some distance between us I never cared for it.

I'm happy to text back and forth most of the day, but would hate feeling obliged to pick up the phone to my DP all the time.

I'm usually the needier one in a relationship too- I like frequent contact and plenty of attention but phonecalls make me feel pressured into finding things to talk about and interrupt my day. Even if I'm lying on the couxh watching shite tele, sometimes its nice just to have that time to yourself without having to answer to anyone.

I suggest you ask him outright about it and.come to a compromise.

user1479305498 Wed 15-Mar-17 10:36:23

Welly, Im with you. I too hate phonecalls

WildBelle Wed 15-Mar-17 10:39:30

Thanks for the responses. He did say last night that he didn't answer sometimes because he just didn't feel like chatting. That's fine, but would be nice to get some kind of acknowledgement that I'd called...a message to say he'll ring later or whatever...but its just completely ignored by him.

I've left it by saying I'll leave it up to him to call me if/when he feels like it, that way I can't get pissed off with him for not answering or returning my calls.

EatsLeavesAndShit Wed 15-Mar-17 10:44:32

He's just not that into you.

I hate talking on the phone too, but the difference here is that he didn't text you instead of ringing, he just doesn't want to contact you full stop.

SleepFreeZone Wed 15-Mar-17 10:46:48

Do you keep him talking for ages? I sometimes don't pick up calls from my mum for that reason as I know I'm going to be on the phone for an hour and I'm just not in the mood for it

WildBelle Wed 15-Mar-17 10:49:53

When we do talk sometimes it's quite long -an hour or more, but sometimes it's just 15/20 minutes or so. Either is fine, I just think it's nice to have some kind of catch up with the person who supposedly loves you, at some point in the day.

TheNaze73 Wed 15-Mar-17 10:52:02

I'm with Sleepfree, there are certain calls that I dodge as I know it'll be half hour, I'll never get back.
I don't necessarily think he's not into you, just that phoning isn't for him. He should be direct & tell you

Gallavich Wed 15-Mar-17 11:10:43

He didn't call you because he didn't want to speak to you. I can't guess as to why but that's the bottom line.

EBearhug Wed 15-Mar-17 13:19:53

It mght not be personal, though, that he doesn't want to talk to you - he might not want to talk to anyone. I can easily ignore my phone if I'm not in a talking mood, and I have always been far more likely to respond to text, email or other electronic things. It's about me, not anyone else.

I do usually respond once I see a missed call, but it's more likely to be a text to acknowledge it, rather than a call back. So I think there is a middle ground between always answering the phone instantly and ignoring it entirely, so I think I would try to point out that I need my needs met with some form of acknowledgement, even if it's not a call back. I do assume that if it's urgent, the caller will leave a voicemail or text asking me to call.

(In reality, I would probably sit there wondering whether it was too soon to call again, whether I should send a text or email instead, whether that would seem too needy, so being cool and silently aloof would be best, and probably he's just not that into me, and I should be glad of what we had while it lasted, and why's he calling now, when I'm not in the mood to talk to anyone, because I've upset myself with worrying about him not calling back, and... Life's easier single.)

UpYerGansey Wed 15-Mar-17 16:41:32

I've been seeing someone for a while now. We've spoken on the phone maybe twice in total. Neither of us are into phone conversations. But we text A LOT. Long chats in the evening, every morning, and quick messages, or snapshots of funny/interesting things we come across over the course of the day. This suits us both.
Maybe your communication styles are currently mismatched, and you need to address this...
Is there a time difference to be considered as well?

Stripyclouds Wed 15-Mar-17 16:49:16

Well, only your boyfriend can answer the question of why he does what he does.

But I get annoyed when my partner wants my attention when I don't feel like giving it. He is fully aware of this as we have discussed it and he accepts it as a part of being with me.

Some people simply need more time to themselves with their own thoughts and this does in no way mean they're incapable of loving as deeply as others.

I would suggest you have a calm conversation with him regarding what you need and allow him the space and time to express his needs. Hopefully that way you are in a position to find a level that works for the both of you, even if you are apart.

roarityroar Wed 15-Mar-17 17:19:17

You sound needy

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