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Rape ? I keep blaming myself , very confused

(13 Posts)
Mynameishuman Tue 14-Mar-17 23:38:31

Okay so I have been broken up with my ex partner since last summer, because he became very controlling , argumentive and I actually started to be scared of what he was capable of. On four occasions things have happened and I don't know how to process them still. The first occasion was one night while I was trying to sleep kept touching me trying to initiate sex and I said no I wanted to sleep he kept on going touching my breasts and vagina then he started thrusting himself against me it wasn't until after many times of me saying no and actually having to shove him off me he stopped. Next occasion I was asleep I woke up to him having finishing having sex with me, I froze I didn't say anything I just lay there in shock while he turned off the light and said nothing. I don't even think he noticed I had woken up. The third occasion I was aslee on the sofa he woke me up and told me to go and sleep in bed so I did , then I wake to getting my head hit off my beside table from him thrusting into me, he had taken off my underwear I had on to have sex with me Even though when I was awake earlier that night I had already said I didn't want to have sex as I was treating myself for BV (tmi) when I realised what was happening I shoved him off told him to stop and asked did he realise that I was asleep ?! Which he then denied and said I should have made some noise indicting I was asleep ( how is that even possible if I am unconscious?!) he then refused to leave the bedroom , him crying saying he rather kill himself then be a rapist when I just kept asking please leave me alone again in shock and feeling rather numb. A few weeks later I discover I was pregnant so I tried to keep making a go of it as I wanted to believe it was an accident that he didn't mean it plus I didn't want to be a single parent to two under fives. So for the next 6 weeks my sex drive disappeared I couldn't have sex without searing pain and said that I didn't want sex but everytime when I was half dozing he would start having sex with me and I would have to say no as it hurts a lot he would most of the time carry on until I would have to shove him away in pain. I went to the doctors multiple times about the pain and they couldn't find any cause apart from cuts to the front the my vagina which healed and I still felt pain. A week before we broke up I asked him to sleep on the sofa as I had my toddler daughter sleeping beside me, I woke up at 3am to find him crawling in darkness along my bedroom floor to "just be close to me he said" I actually screamed for him to get out him bedroom as I was scared of what he could have done even though my child was beside me. Then I ended the relationship as he tried to stop me talking to any male friend and I realised I was becoming afraid of him and I didn't want to expose my children to that. He admitted sexually assaulting me on the one occasion but then changed his version of events three times saying he didn't hear me make a noise to that I moaned slightly to that I said I missed him and wanted it and was rubbing myself against him ( this makes me feel physically sick) as I know I didn't I woke up in the same sleeping position minus my underwear and my legs just moved slightly so he could penetrate me. Now I still get problems sleeping because of the last incident especially , I cannot sleep without my daughter beside me as I have nightmares and I'm due this mans child any day now . He is sticking with his story of it was an accident and he is going around telling people I'm accusing him of rape when he "just made love to the woman he loved as he was sure I was awake" then he is telling people I was sleeping around when I haven't at all all I have been doing is looking after my toddler and trying to piece myself together for my child being born any day now. Am I being over dramatic about what happened ? Am I wrong to call this rape ? Was I wrong to be scared of what this man is capable of ? I'm so confused and I'm finding it difficult to come to terms with this still months later. I am sorry if this has made no sense

Hissy Tue 14-Mar-17 23:49:23

Oh my love, you've been through hell here and need proper help/support and advice.

You didn't cause this, he chose to violate you and your rights.

Have you been able to call Rape Crisis? To be heard by a real person?

My heart goes out to you, is there someone who you can talk to in real life?

Mynameishuman Tue 14-Mar-17 23:57:16

I just don't know what to do , because I didn't say at the time I'm thinking would people believe me ? And they would ask why I didn't leave right away , I wanted to try and be a family but I knew it wasn't a healthy environment for my children to grow up in. I contacted rape crisis before Christmas and was thinking about pressing charges and they said they would help me think through that and that someone would contact me to arrange an appointment but no one ever did so I just left it as they have a lot more pressing cases. I feel like no one will believe me as he is so convincing as the nice guy and he is playing the poor victim here saying he has nightmares and can't sleep because of what happened (?!?) I haven't spoken to him since he told me he was telling people that I asked him to assault me. I've just disappeared off the grid hoping he won't find me as he wasn't interested in the baby just me always just me and I don't want this baby getting used as a tool to hurt and control me and the baby getting messed up and hurt in the process of his mind games

Mynameishuman Tue 14-Mar-17 23:59:00

I'm terrified of him finding me and the kids because I don't know what he is capable of as he threatened to take my eldest away even though she isn't his and he was only in her life 4 months as I didn't want them to get attached until I thought it was serious

tipsytrifle Wed 15-Mar-17 00:10:05

I've just disappeared off the grid hoping he won't find me as he wasn't interested in the baby just me always just me

Sorry, might just be me in late from work - so you're not living together now? This is an awful description of systematic rape. Are you safe right now? I think you should get back on to the police. YOU ARE A PRESSING CASE. You matter to this world and you have been (still are?) being treated like shit. Have you spoken with Women's Aid? I think you should, as a matter of urgency - they will help you in very practical terms and advice. Keep ringing - they can be hard to get through to. Or ask them to email you if that works better for you.

You shouldn't have to "disappear" and make goddess knows what sacrifices to do so. I think you might need serious counselling to help you through this too; you're clearly traumatised and have way too much on your plate emotionally.

Mynameishuman Wed 15-Mar-17 00:16:39

I ended the relationship back in the summer and I haven't had any contact with him since Halloween roughly. I am safe now I've moved home and area, changed my number and have no social media and cut off contact with nearly everyone except my family so he can't find us. Just as the birth of the baby is anytime now I can't stop thinking about it , this baby could every well be conceived through what happened , this little innocent perfect baby who I love more than anything could be conceived through something so awful. I just want to protect my children so badly from this guy and I'm scared incase one day he finds us . I don't even know if I have the courage to press charges now , the more time goes on the more terrified I get. I've heard through people that he has moved on to someone else now which in a sense makes me relieved but at the same time worried for this girl and incase he still is obsessed with me and tried to find us

tipsytrifle Wed 15-Mar-17 00:31:22

You're an amazing woman to have escaped this high level of abuse. Do you know how amazing you are? Nevertheless you are still living in fear and that is totally understandable. I think you should contact the police again because it might be wise to get some kind of restraining orders in place for him, should he try to track you down. First off might be some discussions with WA and Rape Crisis. You need to share the load of this while also celebrating your immense courage in getting away. Do people who have shared this latest info with you know where you are?

Trickycat Wed 15-Mar-17 00:44:00

I also think you are amazing. Please get professional help to deal with what he has done.
Do not put his name on the birth certificate (sorry to state the obvious)

Mynameishuman Wed 15-Mar-17 00:58:06

Thank you both, if I'm honest I don't feel like I'm amazing , I feel scared senseless and like I'm losing my mind through worry of what he will do, have expecting him to show up at my door one day or start some online group trying to track me down. No they don't know where I live no one does apart from two of my family, I've cut myself off from everyone incase he manages to get info from them. I just keep going round this whole year and what happened in my head now over and over again, my close family members know what happened but I haven't really spoke about it that much or voiced my concerns as I don't want to worry them or sound crazy. I've been bottling up how I feel and how scared I am while trying to pretend I'm okay to everyone else and trying to do my best by my daughter and my unborn child but I feel like I'm always looking over my shoulder and waiting for something to happen. It feels like this is all just ready to burst out of me all of this emotion which I've been trying months to repress, I've honestly never felt this terrified in my life , my main worry is what if he gets to my children , I just want to protect them from all of this and I don't even know what he will do , if he has given up and won't do anything or if he will try and find me and harassing my family and friends to find information and then take it through courts. How can I prepare myself to fight something if I don't know what I'm up against.

tipsytrifle Wed 15-Mar-17 01:21:19

Precious human - your fear is utterly rational. I also think you may have an extreme case of shock going on, I don't know if it's ptsd but it's not something you should deal with alone in RL. Your protection of yourself and dc is awesome but it's time to share the load, it really is.

While your protection of family from the whole truth is also understandable, I think it worth considering that you tell them everything. I think they would want to know and be better equipped to knuckle down and support you even more. If you were my daughter I would NEED to know what you are dealing with in full, so that I could seriously protect you from any further harm; walk beside you as an equal ally against his evil and his legacy in your mind.

In your situation I would also be looking over my shoulder all the time. I don't know if that helps, I'm just trying to reassure you that what you feel is real, true and totally justifiable. But you can't sustain this level of fear forever. It will break you in a different way than he tried to. Equally, HE didn't succeed despite his psycho efforts and I don't believe you'll "go under" - which is what might also be troubling you.

You DO know what you're up against at every level. I can't tell you what to do for the best but I think you're right in a gut instinct that is driving you to do "something" to really really protect you and dc in the future. Talk with WA and RC. They would have much more refined methods and coping mechanisms to offer.

I don't know if he's given up and let you go, nor do you. For now he has other interests but who knows how he may jump in the future. It would just be better to know you had asked for expert advice and done everything you can to pave the way for some sense of recovery to set in for you, in the here and now, without a crystal ball available.

You are amazing. Believe it and believe it until you KNOW it.

tipsytrifle Wed 15-Mar-17 01:27:02

I think you also need to take steps to prevent him from gaining access to dc btw. Without anything at all in place but the hope he won't, that would be too vague and a little late should he ever decide to go through court for visitation/access. He is a dangerous man, as you know to your cost. You need expert advice on what would be best to do now.

Mynameishuman Wed 15-Mar-17 10:55:13

Sharing about it with others in RL is so hard to do, makes it seems more real hearing the words come out of my mouth , if I'm scared if I talk about it I will just end up in a sobbing mess and the wall I have up will crumble. He has no possible way of finding me unless he hires someone to find us , I don't even know if he would go that far as he knows I would show the evidence I have of what he has done I have kept record of him admitting what he has done and his emotional manipulation thus ruining his nice guy persona he tries to achieve. I can't get any orders in place right now I don't think as the harassment and social media posts about myself from him have stopped for about 3 months now and he has erased everything about myself he has written from social media . But I feel like I'm on tender hooks still waiting for something to happen. But fortunately at the time even though I was a mess I have recorded everything he sent me including the threats. I'm willing to fight through hell and back to make sure my dc are safe

tipsytrifle Wed 15-Mar-17 13:18:33

It may not feel like it but you're out of hell already. It may take a while for your emotions to catch up though. However, preventing him from contact with you or dc would surely be a good thing to have by way of protecting your and their future? I don't know if what he did counts as historical rape, but rape it was; I'm thinking that this should be recorded? I guess it's likely that it can't just be recorded without a view to something happening order wise, which is why talking with experts could clarify the what-ifs. Obviously it's your choice but don't be afraid of being a sobbing mess. All that pent up rage, fear and even the "waiting for something to happen" are "better out than in". Avoiding the tears never does much good anyway. Your courage is immense!

If it would be better for you to focus purely on the emotional recovery path, speaking to Rape Crisis or GP might be helpful in terms of accessing counselling and maybe how you can help your mind to settle a bit?

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