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My instincts are screaming, but nothing has happened yet

(40 Posts)
MollyHopps Tue 14-Mar-17 18:51:02

What do you do in this situation?

I am someone who is very in tune with my instincts and trust my gut feelings nine times out of ten, but right now I am at a complete loss as to what to do.

I have managed to get myself into a situation with someone I met at a new job I started back in October. He messaged me on facebook and I made polite small talk. Since then he has escalated to messaging me three or four times in a row, about four times a day, regardless of whether or not I reply. All very polite and just being friendly, a little bit flirty which I don't respond to. Nothing sinister.

My alarm bells are deafening. I have made it crystal clear that I am in no way interested in him, yet he continues to send kissy faces and make innuendos. The problem is, to the average reader they would just think he is being kind.

What do you do when your instincts are screaming at you to do something about it, but nothing has actually happened to warrant any action other than blocking and ignoring at work (which I can only do so much of because of our working relationship)?

MollyHopps Tue 14-Mar-17 18:51:40

Also, I wasn't sure where else to post this. Sorry blush

Notanotherpawpatrol Tue 14-Mar-17 18:53:00

Can you speak to your manager and say his behaviour is making you feel uncomfortable. Being kind of not, sending 3 or 4 emails a day when you aren't responding, is weird.

Kikikaakaa Tue 14-Mar-17 19:00:45

Kiss face and innuendo is not being kind it's being creepy.
I would confide in your manager - being warned it's inappropriate by a 3rd party may help him understand.
I used to find myself in these situations until I became a hard faced cow and went for 'sorry I am it interested' and then a block if they didn't listen

Kikikaakaa Tue 14-Mar-17 19:02:16

Don't reply at all.
I did this with one guy and I seem to have been giving him false hope, that if he tried harder I would come around to it, because I felt bad I would respond sometimes and expect him to know I wasn't interested so that can be confusing if people do not have great social skills

Ecureuil Tue 14-Mar-17 19:05:21

Well I'm not surprised your 'intincts' are screaming, surely it's fairly weird behaviour by anyone's standards?
Ignore ignore ignore

ReginaPhalange1 Tue 14-Mar-17 19:08:02

If you're not at all interested you must nip it in the bud! I had similar experience at work about 4 years ago.. a colleague gave me his number on a piece of paper saying it would be nice to go out for a drink blah blah.. .. I politely took it said yeah maybe(in mind I was wtf??? I don't fancy you one bit but didn't say those words out loud which in hindsight I should have done) I then discarded the piece of paper and forgot about it.
Couple of weeks later one of my now ex colleagues who was friends with him out of work pulled me to side saying he's been speaking with her and told her about how he asked me out but I haven't responded... I said to her he shouldn't be bothering you etc sorry about that leave it with me... Fast forward couple of weeks later he caught me at work and asked me again and I said no I am no interested thank you very much ... and then all hell broke loose.. he became obsessive. Started calling me on my work phone on the weekends etc... it became so bad I had my line manager involved and he ended up speaking to him to tell him to back off or he will have to take it further. He then backed off for couple of weeks. Again fast forward month or so it started again .. now I went to the directors and they called the police and reported him for harassment ... we both had to sit down with police officer - separately and give our statements... long story short again he didn't get charged in the end but was cautioned and got written warning. We both still work in the same company but is not allowed to speak to me and to be fair keeps his distance from me.

Moanyoldcow Tue 14-Mar-17 19:51:17

If he's messaging you on Facebook block him. If he moved to a new medium say very clearly you don't want to hear from him anymore. Then if he continued report him.

There is nothing wrong with wanting someone to leave you alone.

NotTheFordType Tue 14-Mar-17 21:31:55

"What does that mean?" when he send you an emoji.
You need to pretend you are thick as mince, basically.
"Hurr it means I like you"
What does that mean?"
Just keep repeating ad infinitum.

As soon as he crosses the line, report to HR.
If they do fuck all then take for constructive dismissal.
Ka ching!

alternatively go the non-political route, just go up to him at work and tell him to fuck off or you'll hurt him. Then twist his nuts.

MollyHopps Wed 15-Mar-17 10:02:15

Thank you all for your advice. So far I have had to block him on facebook, whatsapp, kik, snapchat and his number from my phone and explicitly told him I am not and never will be interested in him like that. So far, no contact but I have to liaise with him at work frequently so can't escape him if you know what I mean.

I think the next step will be to report him, but it is really difficult. To make things a little clearer we both work at a hospital. I'm a nurse and he is a porter. The porters at work are hired under a different company as the hospital outsources them so I actually have no idea who to go to, my ward deputies, senior sister or his seniors, or HR.

I am hoping it doesn't come to that. Another issue I have is that since blocking him he has become very clever. He will make comments to me at work when there is no one else within ear shot (which is often as he only works nights), regardless if I ignore him or not. I need someone to catch him out so I have some sort of evidence against him. I have already started keeping a diary, just so I have something.

I am glad that others do think his behaviour is strange. I have doubted myself so many times and, like you Kikikaakaa felt I was overreacting blush Stupid me!

NotTheFordType I like your idea of the non-political route grin the thought makes me laugh.

Kikikaakaa Wed 15-Mar-17 10:04:06

Ok this is officially bad.
I am similar to you and know similar workers wink
My manager would take this VERY seriously, and has done in the past.
This is really really inappropriate and next level shit

Kikikaakaa Wed 15-Mar-17 10:04:54

Go to your direct line manager: you do not need evidence. Please don't feel you do because that's what he is banking on

DevelopingDetritus Wed 15-Mar-17 10:09:49

alternatively go the non-political route, just go up to him at work and tell him to fuck off or you'll hurt him. Then twist his nuts. grin

Hope you have no more trouble now OP.

Alice212 Wed 15-Mar-17 10:11:44

Omd he's not called Steve is he?!

Tell your manager. Even if it's just so she can be on alert. Btw if the messages are still there, you do have evidence. No one would think those messages were kind. They're creepy. If you have them all then it can be seen that you never replied and he kept sending them.

Kikikaakaa Wed 15-Mar-17 10:12:54

I was wondering if he was called Mike. It is bizarrely common in health care I don't know why

MichaelSheensNextDW Wed 15-Mar-17 10:19:53

Report incidents on Datix as harrassment from a colleague.

Gunpowder Wed 15-Mar-17 10:35:17

It's not kind at all. Apart from being extremely unprofessional this is sexual harassment. Absolutely speak to HR and get it logged and ask them to take action. From now on I would screenshot any future correspondence he makes and keep a diary of any comments he makes to you.

You poor thing. No one should have to feel threatened at work.

EatsLeavesAndShit Wed 15-Mar-17 10:41:30

Nobody would think kissy faces are normal between work colleagues. Please report him to your direct manager, you should not have to tolerate this at work.

Gingerbreadlass Wed 15-Mar-17 10:48:15

As soon as he harasses you on company email or phone (taped lines?) pls alert your manager and tech guys and get him formally warned off further comms

Kikikaakaa Wed 15-Mar-17 11:28:32

As a porter who is working for s contractor it sounds like he's harassing on his personal phone/social media but harassing in person

MollyHopps Wed 15-Mar-17 12:05:25


I didn't even consider that I could Datix this. Perhaps this is what I will do at work. I am dreading going in, am on a night shift and know he will be working, and probably lurking around on our ward at some point hmm

Alice no not a Steve (and not a Mike either Kiki ) but I wouldn't be surprised if his name comes up and he has form for this sort of crap. The whatsapp messages have been deleted, when I blocked him they vanished? I don't know if I can somehow retrieve them. I still have facebook messages though.

Gunpowder I am just checking out the policies regarding work and the company he works for, then I am going to draft something up by way of a complaint.

Urgh, he gives me the creeps so much.

Kikikaakaa Wed 15-Mar-17 12:12:43

I would DATIX but essentially draft a chronology of events and email your manager for a heads up that you have made this complaint. I think if my manager read this DATIX and no one had approached her before hand she would feel very concerned as to why.
At the end of the day, you are supposed to feel safe at work and you don't. He's giving you attention when it's clear it's not welcome. Where on earth did he get all your personal details from?! Because where I am, we have no crossover with contracted firms in this setting apart from passing one another in the work place.

All that will happen to him in the first instance is that they will tell him that there has been a complaint about his behaviour, and that he is to be mindful of personal boundaries etc. They may even move him from duty to another area. I'm sure he will try deny it all or maybe just say he was being friendly but I bet you £100 it isn't the first complaint and actually other people will feel equally creeped out by him.
your manager will talk to his manager about this and it will be dealt with by his manager. Your manager is there to support you.

Paperdoll16 Wed 15-Mar-17 12:20:41

Please report him. He's not going to stop until you do. Working nights you're in a more vulnerable position too- you never know if he tries to get you into a cupboard! He's clearly not taking your disinterest as anything other than a challenge and it doesn't sit comfortable with me at all.

I'm a midwife and I know that if I went to management they would be all over this like a rash! Management with this kind of power obviously aren't around on N's so don't wait until your next shift to act upon this.

I also think that an individual as persistent as this shouldn't be around patients so even if you feel bad reporting him for yourself do it for them! I can appreciate it's unfair that you're in this difficult predicament so I hope it all goes okay for you x

JoJoSM2 Wed 15-Mar-17 12:28:42

I'd go straight to HR. He's gone way too far.

Arkengarthdale Wed 15-Mar-17 12:52:13

Every time he says something creepy whip out a pen and scribble a note of exactly what he said, adding date and time. I would tell him his behaviour is making me extremely uncomfortable and if it doesn't stop I will report it. Then note everything in a very obvious way. And report, report, report.

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